Continuing
“Hey, Viv!”, I say, as we’re all being shuttled onto the bus which will take us to our hotel, “Toss me one of those miniatures, if you please. Yeah. Of course, Vodka’ll do. It’s bloody dusty round these parts.”
Viv chuckles and asks if anyone else wants anything. He’s a consummate scrounger and somehow sweet-talked a demure and pulchritudinous female Air China cabin attendant out of her phone number, Email address, and a case of 100 airline liquor miniatures.
That he looks like a marginally graying version of Robert Mitchum in his heyday and speaks fluent Dutch, French, and Italian might explain his success. I mean, a guy with four ex-wives can’t be all wrong, right?
He’s a definite outlier in this crowd. We could be characterized as a batch of aging natural geoscientists who collectively, sans Viv, add up to an approximate eight on the “Looker” scale. Besides the years, the mileage, the climatic, and industrial ravages, it’s a good thing we all have expansive personalities, as most of us are dreadful enough to make a buzzard barf.
But, save for Viv, no one presently here is on the make. Oh, sure; we’ll all sweet talk some fair nubile into a free drink or a double when we really ordered a regular drink, but we’re all married, most terminally, that is, over 35 years and counting. The odd thing is that save and except for Viv, none of us married folk had ever been divorced.
That is strange, considering that the global divorce rate hovers around 50%, and we are often called to be apart from kith and kin for prolonged periods. However, we are always faithful and committed to our marital units and those vows we spoke all those many long decades ago.
But, hey, we’re all seriously male and not anywhere near dead; and there’s no penalty for just looking, right?
Continuing.
We’re all loaded on a pre-war, not certain which war, by the way, bus which stank of fish, kimchee, and diesel fuel. We really don’t care even a tiny, iotic amount. It’s free transport, we’re tired of traveling, and not keen on walking any further than we absolutely have to.
Viv has been passing out boozy little liquor miniatures, and I’ve been handing out cigars since I bought a metric shitload back in Dubai Duty-Free and somehow got them all through customs.
We didn’t light up, as there was neither a driver nor handler present. So, we figured we’d all just wait on the cigars, and concentrate on having a little ground-level “Welcome to Best Korea” party until the powers that be got their collective shit together and provided drivers, herders, and handlers.
We sat there for 15 long minutes. Being the international ambassadors of amity and insobriety, we started making noises like “Hey! Where’s our fucking driver?” and “I am Doctor Academician! Of All State Russian Geological Survey! How dare you make me wait? ”
Suddenly, a couple of characters in ill-fitting gray suits and fake Rays Bans are outside the bus having a collective meltdown. Somehow, someone fucked up and put us on a ‘regular’ bus and not the ‘VIP’ bus. In other words, we got to see what the locals really got to ride around Pyongyang on instead of our supposed to be impressed by the bus that wasn’t there; but was now just arriving.
A spanking new purple-and-chrome Mercedes long-haul bus shows up. It even has our group name emblazoned above the placard that normally tells where the bus is headed or who it is for: “’국제 석유 지질 과학 연합’ [Gugje Seog-yu Jijil Gwahag Yeonhab] or ‘International Union of Petroleum Geological Sciences’”.
We are brusquely ordered off our present bus and into the opulent, obviously bespoke, bright yellow faux-leather interior Mercedes-Benz Tourismo RH M. It’s so new and so obviously a ploy to get us to think that all things here are so new and opulent, it even smells of that new car, ah, bus, aroma.
“Well, we’ll take care of that soon enough”, I muse, as the bus is equipped with ashtrays and we’re going on the scenic route to our hotel, which is only 25 or so kilometers from the airport. However, it was announced that it’ll take us about 2 hours to get to our hotel since we need to see the city in its best light and get a feeling for the town if we should ever find ourselves lost and alone.
We all know what’s going on. They’re getting our rooms ‘ready’ for our arrival and need some extra time to make sure everything’s all wired in and transmitting properly.
“Guys”, I muse to our new handlers, “I’ve been to the Soviet Union, pre-wall fall. I stayed in places where I was definitely among the first westerners ever to grace their porticos. We’re a busload of natural scientists, of eight different nationalities, covering the economic spectrum from staunch capitalism to sociable socialism to hard-core communism. You even think for a second we’re going to spill any beans about anything you’d find interesting or useful? Think again.”
In fact, it would become a running joke between us all to see what sort of fake bombshells we could drop into the normal conversation what would give the listener’s the greatest case of the jibblies.
But for now, our bags were all loaded into the cargo compartment of this very, very nice, I must admit, mode of conveyance. Our handlers: ‘Yuk’, ‘No’, ‘Man’, and ‘Kong’, are all seated upfront and please with their latest tally of bodies. We have a couple of shady fellow travelers with the knock-off Ray-Bans and shiny gray suits that just appeared out of the woodwork in the back, seated by the loo, watching over all of us, and we’re going on a fucking city tour, whether we like it or not.
We’re all present and accounted for. Let’s keep our camera in our bags for the time being as the drinking and smoking lights had just been lit as the bus fired up its new German-engineered and machined precision diesel engine.
The bus rumbled to life and after a moment or two of checking that all dials, gauges, and indicators were where they were supposed to be; without so much as a cursory glance, we pulled out into traffic.
Except there was none.
Not another bus, pushbike, tap-tap, scooter, car, truck, hover-board, or motorcycle in sight.
Nothing.
Seems we were a big deal. They shut down the main drag so we wouldn’t be encumbered by such proletariat things like traffic jams or people-things cluttering the roadway, clambering for a look at the Western scientific cadre.
So, away we whizzed, sans traffic and into the very belly of the beast, and onward; eventually, towards our hotel.
Our handlers were very kind to point out passing scenes of interest.
“Look, look! There’s the Potong River. Notice all the lovely birds, ‘eh what? See the Norwegian Blue? Beautiful plumage!”
“See here, look. Here’s the Taedong River. Many forms of fish in the river. Maybe we’ll see some fishermen. If you like, we can stop, and ask them about today’s catch.”
We all declined, as we were certain that the fish the ‘random fisherman’ we’d talk to was flown in fresh from elsewhere earlier in the day.
Besides, we were comfortable. We had our drinks, our cigars, and we were leaving the driving to someone else.
After being driven around the city and seeing all the wonderful monuments, like the faux Arch of Triumph, which looks exactly unlike its namesake Arc de Triomphe de l'Étoile in Paris.
The Arch of Reunification, a monument to the goal of a reunified Korea, which, by necessity, is unfinished. Then there’s the Tomb of King Tongmyŏng, where people are lining up, just dying’ to get in.
Finally, we all called for our hotel, the Yanggakdo, after yet another mausoleum, the Kumsusan Memorial Palace of the Sun.
Arches or tombs. Such a stunning array of monuments and places of less than moderate interest.
We were interested in Mirae Scientists street (Future Scientists street). It is a street in a newly developed area in Pyongyang to house scientific institutions of the Kim Chaek University of Technology and its employees. But we were told that it was too late, there was not much there to see, we needed to express written permission to visit, and we’d be going there tomorrow or next week.
We wheel into the parking lot of the Yanggakdo Hotel and are immediately unimpressed by the pseudo-Baroque concrete fiasco that appears to stand, wobbly, before us. It’s a page right out of the Soviet Construction-For-The-Masses Handbook. A cold, gray concrete edifice with multitudes of seemingly little, tiny windows. A perfect metaphor for our travels thus far; look at the expansiveness of Best Korean wonders, through this pinhole.
However, we judged too soon. We were told to go inside and check-in, whilst our luggage would be de-bussed for us and handled by the expertly efficient hotel staff. The lobby was opulent, tastefully laid out in earth tones of facades of veneers of marble, granite, some garnet-mica schist, if my hand lens doesn’t lie, some Prepaleozoic anatectic migmatite, displaying intricate and intense plication, xenoliths, and graphic delineation of minerals by segregation through melting points. There was a gigantic well-appointed and well kept up aquarium, complete with snuffling sharks and nuclear-submarine sized groupers.
Very handsome indeed. Impressions increasing slightly.
Then we see that there’s a bloody casino on the bottom floor of the hotel, several bars interspersed throughout the hotel, and karaoke, of which I’m not terribly fond, but some of my European counterparts almost swooned at the prospect. There are a large pool and weight rooms/gymnasia, saunas and places to relax outside of one’s room, but still under the watchful eye of the thousands of ill-concealed video cameras at every turn.
“Covert surveillance” may be a thing in Best Korea, but it’s a practice still leaves a lot to be desired. The Eastern Siberian Russians back before the wall fell were more covert with their obvious button audio microphones woven into the fabric covering the headboard of your Intourist bed than the Best Koreans here. Their cameras were ‘disguised’ as flower arrangements, overhead lights, and speakers inexplicably placed into things like standing ashtrays, refuse bins, and randomly placed holes in the wall.
The floors were all covered with exquisite what looked to be hand-woven rugs of most vibrant crimson and gold; the usual Communistic colors. Always with some sort of floral pattern or pattern that’s supposed to be reflective of nature, as I was told. Evidently, for workers to remember what nature was as they don’t get out much with 14 to 16 hours workdays here in the Worker’s Paradise.
Enough of the travelogue; we all wander up to the front desk, and each with their own passport in hand, request our reserved rooms. We supposed that we would all have rooms on different floors as the reservations were made, expired, re-made, juggled, rebooked, allowed to expire, re-jiggered, and finally formalized a scant week before we left the UK.
Nope. No such luck. We were all on the 39th floor. The place boasts 47 floors, of which, the top floor is a revolving restaurant. Evidently, food tastes better when you’re rotating.
However, it won’t spin unless you first buy a drink.
We had that thing whirling like a NASA centrifuge after its discovery the second night.
Yeah, all 12 of us are bivouacked on the 39th floor. A floor with approximately 30 rooms.
I guess we could have played “Room Roulette” and see who got which room and who’s luggage. Or we could switch every day or two to drive our handlers nuts. Or, we could just take our assigned rooms, which were conveniently located one empty room apart.
Meaning, no one had adjoining rooms. Why? Fuck if I know. We didn’t spend much time in our rooms, and that time was either sleeping or showering. We’d all meet at the bar, casino, restaurant, karaoke, bowling alley (all three lanes) or actual meeting rooms every once in a while when we thought we should get together and compare notes. It was the most inexplicable situation.
Plus, we spent an inordinate amount of time waiting on the fucking elevators to take us to our room. These elevators, and if you think you’re going to get a batch of aging senior scientists to schlep it up 39 floor’s worth of stairs, think again; are the slowest elevators in the civilized world. And that was the consensus of scientists representing not only Europe and North America, but Russia as well. 15-25 minutes added to each journey, up or down; stopping on every floor, except 5, on the way down..
Jesus Q. Fuck, dudes. If you can’t construct a bleedin’ elevator that works better than those at the Sozvezdie Medveditsy Guest House in Lesosibirsk, Eastern Siberia; then I suggest you seriously rethink your plans for world domination and new world order.
Grako and Erwin once, while waiting for the fucking elevator, figured out that we were earning some US$25 each just to wait for the lift to arrive and take us to our rooms. Every day. Sometimes several times per day.
With that, we all agreed to toss our “waiting time” funds into a kitty and on our last day of captivity here, blow it all in the hotel casino. Whatever became of that would be donated to the Koreans we thought most deserving of our largesse.
Would it be our handlers? How about the Korean Scientists we’d be meeting? The affable and most accommodating concierge? Or that plucky little Korean charwoman who was always on our floor and kept everything spotless, right down to our freshly laundered and pressed field clothes and newly polished field boots; done without our requesting or knowledge?
Only time would tell.
It could be a fortune or it could be bupkiss. Just like our expectations of the Heavenly Kingdom where we were currently sequestered.
As it was, with our official protestations, they kept only photocopies of our passports as we roundly refused and threatened a full-scale karaoke battle right here in the lobby if they didn’t relinquish our passports immediately. I had broken out my nastiest cigar and was primed to offend.
With that, we all had our keys and trooped over to the elevators for our first, of many, inexplicable waits. We made many uncharitable and potentially nasty remarks about the Anti-Western posters that made up some of the wall décor. Once we finally made it to our floor, we all fanned out to find our rooms. Viv found his first and was quite pleased to report to the rest of us that there was a “Welcome” basket in his room.
We all hoped that we would be receiving one a well.
I was in room 3914; which I considered a close call, but later only wondered as there was no 3913. Upon entering, I saw it was 1980s Hotel 6 opulent, but with an excellent over-city view. True it was late, dark, and the city was only somewhat lit up; I was looking forward to the view of the town in full daylight.
The room had a ‘king’ bed; that is if the king in question was Tutankhamen, the stubby, Egyptian boy king. The bed had no mattress pad and no box spring but it was hard enough for my liking. Many of my compatriots didn’t agree and complained bitterly. They eventually received thin mattress pads for all their kvetching.
There was an ancient Japanese color television, which only had 2 English language channels - Al Jazeera and the BBC, which was on a dated news loop. Watching the local channel is amusing though; the ads for ‘personal enhancements’ were hilarious, even without understanding a word of the language.
There were a couple of chairs and a low table, built-in dresser drawers for our clothes, a rusty and probably unusable room safe with corroded batteries, a small table built out of the wall that would serve as my travel office, and would-you-believe, a rotary telephone; how’s that for nostalgia?
There was an old-model radio built into the nightstand next to the bed. I was very surprised to find it not only received AM, FM but shortwave as well. I had brought along a pair of Bose headphones and during some rainy down days, spent many fun-filled, and I mean that sincerely, hours DXing from the comfort of my ‘enormous’ king bed.
Beyond that, the room was very nondescript. Like any other of the millions of rooms in hotels around the world that unlike here, aren’t claiming a 5-star rating. I mean, it was clean, if not a little long in the tooth. But didn’t smell too terrible, even after I took care of that with my Camacho offerings. It was utilitarian, everything worked, even the water pressure, which surprisingly could strip off layers of one’s skin if you weren’t careful.
The bathroom, though no Jacuzzi, had a large enough bathtub for the occasional soaking period. Western accouterments in the bathroom were also welcome additions. My knees can’t handle the traditional squat-holes any longer.
There were an electric teapot and several brands of tea, but no coffee. A quick “Gee! I sure wish I had some coffee!” to the four walls and damned if 30 minutes later, a porter didn’t arrive to replenish my tea and courtesy in-room coffee…
There was a small Japanese brand in-room refrigerator which I thought might house a mini-bar. Oh, no! It was actually a complimentary larder stocked with all sorts of Best Korean goodies. Multiple cans of Taedonggang beer. Several bottles of Pyongyang Soju, in various flavors ranging anywhere from 16.8 to 53 percent alcohol by volume. My fridge was skewed towards the right-hand side of the bell curve; the more heavy-duty boozy side.
Evidently, my reputation had preceded me again.
There was a selection of German-style wheat beers from the Taedonggang Brewery and the more familiar ales, steam beers, and lagers. There were some imported beers like Heineken, Bavaria, Pils, a couple of Japanese brands: Asahi and Kirin, and something called ‘Hello Beer’ from Singapore.
There were also ‘sampler’ bottles of Apricot Pit wine, and a couple of high-alcohol fruity liquors made from constituents such as apple or pear, and mushrooms. There were also special medicinal liquors like ‘Rason’s Seal Penis Liquor’.
That is going home with me unopened.
There were a couple of bottles of local sake, called Chonju. Finally, there was a couple ‘samplers’ of homemade alcohol known as Makkoli. Plus there was something called ‘Corn Grotto’, which for the life of me, looks and tastes much like a very passable Kentucky Sippin’ Bourbon.
I put our concierge on instant danger money the very next day. He’s yet to source me more than a fifth of the stuff so far.
I found that there is a popular drink here which mirrors the Yorsch of Mother Russia. Beer and soju can be mixed to create *somaek’; a foamy, frothy, funky drink of many flavors, depending on the soju chosen.
Is ethnoimbibology at thing? The science of how different cultures drink and the effects of drinking culture on different societies. If not, now I have another Ph.D. to pursue after I endow a chair at some likely Asian university.
Anyways, in everyone’s room was a “welcome” basket, just chock full of Best Korean goodies. Postcards, stamps, ads for coin sets, stamp proofs and other goodies that could be purchased at the hotel. There was a field notebook, which I thought was a very nice addition, newspapers, cookies, crackers, biscuits, candies, fruit drinks, and some fresh fruit; although tamarind chewies and durian chips aren’t on my list of personal favorites.
There were a couple of tour books, just chock full of staged photos. These were very nice as well, as so far, we haven’t had much time for shopping outside of government stores or smaller family-run shops in town or out in the boonies.
A few of us were hungry and decided to see what the hotel had to offer room service-wise.
Bupkiss.
But, they did have a selection of restaurants. There is a Chinese restaurant, a European restaurant, and a Korean restaurant on site but they all serve the same food...a Best Korean attempt at western food. And it was weird being the only ones in the restaurant even though it was fully staffed.
We grazed lightly and decided to do some late-night perambulations around our hotel. Our handlers admonished us to stay within the confines of the hotel, or see them if it was absolutely necessary to go walkabout. In the hotel, we were on our own.
We found that there were tunnels in the hotel’s basement. The basement tunnels were a real bonus. There’s a bar with pool tables, a karaoke room, bowling, and a massage parlor, where I was beaten and pummeled into submission by tiny, diminutive, little Korean lassies fully 1/5th my size.
It was wonderful.
There was a hairdresser’s, who were completely befuddled by my shoulder-length silver-gray locks and full gray Grizzly Adams beard. They did provide a lovely shampoo/cranial massage though for the equivalent of US$2.
There were a couple of shops selling Chinese goods rather than local stuff, which was sort of disappointing, a cold noodle bar, and another casino. No shops selling Korean Communist propaganda posters, as I wanted to augment my Soviet-era collection. Perhaps I’ll find something in-country later on.
We were shocked to find that the casino had WiFi that was uncensored and we were able to access; after a fee of liquor miniatures and a cigar or two. We were supposed to have access to the global internet, not local intranet, from the universities that we would be visiting. However, all of that was under the heavily squinting eyes of handlers and guys in shiny suits wearing fake Ray-Bans.
I still had my secret satellite internet lash-up available, but that was iffy, a pain in the ass to set up, and ridiculously expensive. However, it did work on the 39th floor and the times I used it instead of wandering down to the tunnels, no one appeared to be the wiser. Thus far.
So typically, we’d just head to the basement casino with our laptops, iPads, and phones. Bam! Robert’s your Sister’s Husband, we could connect more-or-less free with the outside world; hence how you are reading this now.
Herro! “Yes, I’d sure like another beer. This time a porter, if you please.”
The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the drain. Or the more they put into locks, the easier they are to pick.
Besides, we were told we’d have access to unfettered and free internet. OK, so we just found it for ourselves. Whaddya expect? We’re scientists, motherfucker, back off.
Ahem.
Back to reality.
The breakfast buffet the next morning had a wide choice of Asian and Western food, although the choices seemed to be the same every day. The main event was to beat the Chinese tourists to the egg station every morning. Breakfast always included fried eggs, a limited selection of pork, kippered fish, potatoes, rice, fruit, and a very Titanium-dioxide-white white bread
After a while, I took to going to the small market behind the lobby, buying some imported Chinese or Japanese nibbly bits and heading to the tunnels for a few breakfast beers before the long hard day’s work. It took almost a week, but I gained the trust of some of the workers in the tunnels and they showed me the on-site microbrewery at the hotel. It produced very passable, and very, very cheap beers of several varieties.
Liquid bread. Beer. Is there nothing it can’t do?
After breakfast our first day at the hotel, we were told to meet in the Conference Room “Il-sung” as we were going to have a ‘Welcome foreign imperialist scientists’ introduction and indoctrination.
Besides our handlers and the shiny-suit squad, there were several Korean folks we didn’t recognize. These were students, scientists, and scholars from the Kim Chaek University of Technology, Kim Il-sung University, the Pyongyang University of Science and Technology; all hailing from Pyongyang, and the University of Geology from North Hwanghae Province.
“Oh, marvelous”, Erlen remarked, “It’s going to be a bloody Chautauqua. We’ll be here all day.”
“Well”, I replied, “It could be worse. We could be on a bus headed off on another unscheduled road trip.”
As we found our seats, our Korean counterparts were busily setting up portable screens, like the ones your grandfather had for showing his 2.1 Googleplex worth of travel slides every Christmas or Thanksgiving get-together. They had a couple of ancient Chinese brand laptops that could have doubled for body armor, they were so thick and heavy.
While they fiddled with running cords for the overhead projectors and 16mm film projector; yes, it was going to be movie time as well, the hotel’s restaurant folks wheeled in carts laden with scones, cupcakes, and other sweet sorts of bakery. Another cart was wheeled in with pump-pots of hot water, tea, and coffee. Usual scientific meeting fare.
There was one final cart that made the day bearable. It held a pony keg of hotel micro-brewed beer on ice, with several dozen frosty mugs available for all who wanted to partake.
There were instantly 12 mugs that were spoken for.
I grabbed a cold beer and wandered around the conference room, sipping beer, chewing on an unlit cigar, and just trying to be pleasant to our hosts and their scientific guests. I was surprised when one North Korean professor, who spoke amazingly British-tinged English, offered me a light for my cigar.
“Is smoking allowed here?” I asked.
“Allowed?” he laughed heartily, “My good man, it’s practically a prerequisite.”
“Here then”, I said, offering him a nice, unctuous Camacho, “Try one of mine.”
Dr. P'ung Kwang-Seon of the North Korean University of Geology became my instant and lifelong friend at that moment.
We had a very nice chat, much to the chagrin of the gray suit cadre, who could hear what we were talking about, but probably didn’t understand anything beyond every 8th word.
After a while, we were asked to take our seats, after refreshing our drinks, and introduced to the group of Korean geoscientists we’d be interacting with during our stay here in Best Korea.
I tried to record every name, but between the students, other scholars, and professors from the various universities, I decided I’d ask for a list of participants once the day had worn on. After all, they had all our names, references, and resumes if the thick folio they kept referring to was any indication.
There were a couple of hours of introductions, as every one of the Korean geoscientists there introduced themselves, mostly through translators, told of their personal area of specialty, and their latest work.
Most were what would be considered geoscientists, but oddly enough, not one that you would consider a petroleum geoscientist, however tangentially.
There were geomorphologists, structural geologists, petrologists, mineralogists, marine geologists, engineering geologists, and seismologists. However, there were no stratigraphers, sedimentologists, paleontologists, or geochemists. We were all geoscientists, but apart from the obvious Korean:English disparity, it was as if we spoke different scientific languages as well.
That would be our first hurdle to overcome.
They had no oil industry here; none whatsoever, therefore why one would bother with the geosciences that fed directly into petroleum? That, in and of itself, would make it difficult to explore for oil in the country. Couple that with the fact that they’re so insular, think their version of ‘science’ is the best, at least that’s the official line, and think all other’s ‘science’ is capitalistic, substandard, and inferior doesn’t bode well for your country discovering anything either oily or gassy.
We were having another conclave around the beer keg, ack, err…a ‘coffee break’ and I mentioned this fact to my scientific colleagues.
“Guys”, I need input here, “We’re going to get precisely nowhere if they won’t even acknowledge that they have major problems from the start.”
Ivan replies, “Very true. I’ve seen this before back home. You get a group so entrenched in their own little corner of science, they can’t even accept or acknowledge that others exist. Not only exist but actually know more about a certain problem than do you.”
Dax joins the fray, “Sure, that’s very true, but who’s going to tell them this unfortunate fact? They could take that as a personal, national, and global insult. Imagine you’re at an international conference and a bunch of foreigners walk in just to tell you you’ve been doing it all wrong for the last 75 years.”
I add, “Remember, though. These characters are scientists as well. I think it’ll be a good measure of seeing what sort of science and scientist we’re dealing with here. If they are truly researchers, they’ll listen to and evaluate what we say as for veracity and accuracy. If they’re just a bunch of Commie goons; no offense, Comrade Academician Ivan, they’ll get all pissed off, kick us out, and we get to go home and enjoy our triple Force Majeure pay.”
Ivan walks over and deliberately steps on the toes of my newly polished field boots.
“In Soviet Russia, field boots walk on YOU.” He laughs in his heavily inflected, and scary, Soviet-era speech…
“Yes, I agree”, Joon adds, “But who is going to address this issue with our hosts? Perhaps one of our Russian comrades, as they are, or were, more politically aligned with our Korean friends and perhaps best understand the issue?”
Ack speaks up, grinning maniacally, “No, I disagree. We should have the one person here who so encapsulates the ideologies and political leanings that they love to hate here so much. You know; the quiet, diminutive, and soft-spoken North American…”
Dax recoils, “Oh, no! I’m not going out in front of this mob of ornery Orientals…”
I smile wanly and tell Dax to cool out.
“Relax, Dax. They’re talking about me.”
“Oh, yes”, a collective group of voices replies, “Yes. Let out fearless Team Leader break the bad news to our Eastern Colleagues. That way we can gauge their reactions to being bounced around scientifically by a member of the Evil Capitalist Cartel.”
“OK”, I reply, “I’ll do it. But be forewarned, my fine feathered fiends. I get stuck on a topic that’s not precisely my bailiwick, I’m going to throw your ass to the wolves. Remember, we’re all in this together.”
Whoops, and catcalls were reduced to mumbles and ‘Aw, fucks.’.
Chautauqua resumption was called and I asked for the floor.
It was a bit off the agenda, but since they’ve been chewing the air for the last several hours, they understood it would be appropriate for us to at least try and get a word in edgewise.
I downed my beer, and grabbed a fresh one as what I was going to say was going to be harsh, cut-and-dried, and rather pointed. But delivered in a pleasant manner.
I hoped.
This all had to be filtered through a series of translators, one for general conversational Korean and another for the more technical and scientific transliterations. I realized I was going to be up here for a while. So, I brought a cigar.
One way or another, I was going to deliver our pronouncements and hell, I may as well be comfortable while doing it.
.
“Greetings and felicitations, my Eastern Colleagues. Let me first say how nice it is to be here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as part of the ….”
I’m going to fast-forward through all the flowery bullshit and introductory happiness; I’ll going to just cut to the guts of the matter.
“…Now, you do know why there has been virtually no oil, gas nor any other hydrocarbon related deposit discovered here in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea?” I asked by way of a rhetorical question.
I sipped my beer and lit my cigar. In for a chon, in for a won.
I let the buzzing subside on the side of our eastern counterparts.
“Because, and please do not take this as insulting or derogatory, but as a statement of irrefutable fact, no one with the proper training nor experience has been looking. You’re historically guilty of applying the science incorrectly and letting dogma and politics guide your search, instead of the scientific method and the facts. Geology, like all natural science, is just as truth based on the facts for a capitalist as it is for a communist. Reality is not influenced by your beliefs, be they scientific or political, secular or spiritual, ‘trusted’ rather than ‘thought’; any more than by your wish that it wouldn’t rain today during a raging thunderstorm.”
Little Boy over Hiroshima was dropped with less effect.
Our Democratic People's Republic of Korea colleagues erupted into a chaotic mixture of stuttering, internecine yelling, accusations, and sputtering.
Calling for decorum, I figured that since I was this far gone, I may as well push the plunger all the way to the bottom.
“Gentlemen, I do not denigrate the science of geology as taught and practiced here in Best Korea.” I actually said that, sort of a slip of the tongue. Continuing, “However, one would not fish for Bluefin tuna from a rowboat in a pond with a fly rod. One does not hunt bear in the city with a slingshot. Just as one doesn’t search for oil and gas with mining engineers, geomorphologists, and seismologists.”
I let that sink in and after the translation, they calmed a bit and wanted to hear the rest of what I had to say. I could sense a couple was less than thrilled with what I had to say, but forging onward…
“One fishes for Bluefin tuna in the deep ocean with huge rods, reels and a specialist boat captained by someone with deep experience in hunting the elusive fish. One hunts bear in the proper environment, the taiga or forest, with the proper tools and guided by one with the education, learnedness, and experience to know how to make the hunt come out successful.”
Hit them with some analogies they can relate to and digest. Now, go for the carotid.
“Just like one does not hunt oil and gas without stratigraphers, sedimentologists, geophysicists, petrophysicists, and other oil and gas experts who have the education, experience, and knowledge to know where to look. Knowing which environment looks most conductive to hide your quarry, if you’ll pardon the pun, and how best to find them, the guys who know how to corral and de-risk them once you find them, and the engineers and technologists who know how to bring them to the surface so they can be utilized.”
They had stopped being irritated and were listening in rapt attention.
“My colleagues and I have spent the last few days going over, in detail the geology of your country. There is nothing we can see that would preclude the development, entrapment, and preservation of economic quantities of oil and gas. Ture, the geology is quite complex as is the structural history of the entire peninsula. That’s one other thing you will have to accept. Geology doesn’t give the tiniest shit about political boundaries. One must look at the big picture, and that doesn’t stop at some man-made borders. Ignore that fact at your peril, because if you continue to view the geology here as not existing across political boundaries, you are preadapting yourself for failure.”
Drs. Ivan, Volna, and Morse make certain that everyone sees the ex-Soviets agreeing with the bushy-bearded, cigar-chomping American capitalist.
“So,” I said, hoping to bring this little spit-balling session to a fortuitous close, “If we can have an agreement; scientific agreement, on these points, then I am certain we can find a way forward with not only this discussion but the program we can devise for the best Korean (notice phase shift?) geologists to take the project forward both scientifically soundly and economically successful.”
My North Korean counterpart gets up from his seat in the conference room, goes to the keg, taps a couple of beers and walks up to the podium where I was standing.
“Thank you, Dr. Rocknocker, for saying what needed to be said”, he spoke in perfect English as he handed me a beer.
I grinned and gratefully accepted the beer.
“Why, Dr. Chang Kwang-Su”, I said, as that was his name, “You old fraud. You do speak English; and very well, I must add.”
“Yes, almost all of us do”, he relayed, “But, as you said, we are most reserved. We were more or less under orders of the ‘most illustrious’, to play coy, and act as if we spoke no English.”
“I see.” I said, “I’ve worked in several FSU countries as well as Russia and saw that there as well. I guess old habits die hard.”
“That they do, Doctor.”, he replied, “But, we must now tell you the truth. We knew exactly what you said is true, and we agree. We are not as totally insulated from the outside world as some suspect.”
“Well, I was going on what your superiors related to us. Like the police that had all their toilets stolen, I had nothing else to go on.” I replied.
“Ah, ha! Quite!”, he chuckled, “We had long suspected that we were lacking in certain areas of scholarship. What you said cements that fact as it was an independent conclusion. We can now present that to our superiors with the caveat that unless we bolster work and training in these areas, the hunt of hydrocarbon resources here will be for naught.”
“I am relieved”, I said, truthfully. “I was slightly concerned that some might take umbrage to being told their science is not up to specifications. I tried to be the bearer of that bad news but deliver it gently. Here, I find you need that to use that as a truncheon to smack one’s boss upside the head and tell him that an upgrade is required. And fast.”
“Ah, so”, he replies, “We are in total agreement. Now that is out of the way, we would appreciate it if you’d help in designing a course of study for up and coming local geoscientists. Then, we can go forward with a great plan to search for oil and gas here in…Korea. Correct?”
“Absolutely”, I remarked, “You’ve got over 400 man-years of science and exploration expertise here in this room alone. Let’s shoot for the moon, so to speak. Let’s get you up to speed on scientific journals and articles that are available out there in all of academia and industry. Let’s get you communicating on a global basis. Let’s prove that you can talk science with global scientists and still not have it affect your political or nationalistic aspirations one little bit. Let’s see if we can drag you, figuratively speaking, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century.”
“Doctor”, Dr. Chang remarked, “You are the embodiment of what we were always told what Americans are. Brash, loud, confident, and evil. Except for evil, you are American as we were led to believe.”
“Hey, I take that as a compliment”, I exclaim. “You think that’s bad, I’ve got a bunch of earnest Europeans, raucous Russians, and a couple of cagey Canadians on my side as well. Before we’re finished here, we’ll have you ordering hachee, dining on Caldo Verde, snacking on salmiakki, drinking Russkaya vodka with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, eating poutine, and rooting for the Packers.”
“Doctor, I don’t know what half of that means, but I hope it comes to pass. It sounds most fascinating.” Dr. Chang chuckles.
The rest of the day was spent with various groups crystallizing and breaking off from the main crowd; then reforming as different groups. This was good, as it showed an interest across not only national borders but across ideologies and scientific specialties.
Most everyone here spoke English with some degree of fluency, so the translators were called in only occasionally.
I made certain they were included in everything that transpired that day. I want everyone to feel ‘part of the team’. How better to show the classlessness of Western science to include everyone in on both sides of every discussion and activity?
To be continued…

I like to give a bunch of credit to the casinos that offer free buffet on Memorial Day & Veterans Day to Veterans & active duty! The 3 casinos near me seem to almost rotate, though it’s probably just a coincidence. Anyway, South Point is having a free buffet for a GI & one guest tomorrow (Monday) Nov. 11th! The others that I check & have done the same in the past are the “M” Casino and Silverton. Unlimited bloody Mary’s (breakfast only?) and open from 7 AM to 10 PM at the Garden Buffet

My wife and I just returned from our honeymoon to Japan and Korea. We booked all travel accommodations using points to book a luxury vacation to Japan and Korea! Overall, we used a total of 875,000 points. I would have loved to make it a "million point vacation", but I couldn't find a way to spend our AA or MR points to add extra value :). Since this is the AwardTravel subreddit, most of this trip report will focus on the travel accommodations booked with points, but I'll still include a short description of other activities we enjoyed since I know there's a lot of other travelers looking for an opportunity to visit Japan and Korea.

The Flight - Korean Air First Class

Our travel began with a first-class flight on Korean Air leaving from IAD. Normally, KAL first-class passengers would be allowed access to the AirFrance/KLM lounge. Unfortunately, this lounge is currently closed for renovation so we were instead directed to the Virgin Atlantic lounge (although it looks like AirFrance and KLM passengers get to use the Etihad lounge). This lounge was nothing exciting. We were there for breakfast, and although they did have some hot options, the food was pretty bad. I tried a small bite of everything, but the only food there that I enjoyed was an apple. On the bright side, they did have cold beer, wine, and a small selection of hard liquor as well as a nice view of the tarmac and plenty of comfortable seating.
This was our first time travelling anything other than coach/economy, so both of us were very excited to see if first class was everything it's chocked up to be. Compared to every other flight I've had, this flight was unbelievably enjoyable. I was worried that 14 hours of flight time would be uncomfortable regardless of which class we were flying, but by the end of the flight I was disappointed we had to deplane. Korean Air uses the Boeing 777-300ER for the IAD-ICN flight, which features the new-ish Kosmo Suites 2.0. These first-class suites are huge. They have plenty of storage compartments, a USB charging port in the in-flight entertainment console, and an international-compatible AC outlet on the floor. As most reviews of Korean Air flights say, the in-flight entertainment is pretty lacking. Luckily I had the first 7 seasons of Game of Thrones downloaded to my laptop which I happily watched with the noise-cancelling Bose headphones they provide. I think what I was most surprised with was how many flight attendants they seemed to have devoted completely to first-class guests. It seemed like they had 1 flight attendant for every two passengers, but maybe some of them sneaked away to serve business/coach when I wasn't looking. Regardless, I was very impressed with how briskly I was tended to each time I pressed the call button.
The food service was great considering we were eating 40,000 ft in the sky. As soon as we left the ground, our flight attendant showed us the drink menu and took both meal orders ("dinner" as the first meal, and "lunch" as the second). Nether my wife nor I drink, but my uncultured palette thought the champagne tasted great. The meal service started with an amuse bouche of cream-cheese stuffed tomato and mushroom, followed by a serving of caviar with traditional accompaniments. For my first meal I chose Korean Air's famous Bibimbap served with soup, banchan, and a side of bulgogi. For how simple this meal looks, it was excellent - especially the bulgogi. For dessert, they served very good fresh fruit, cheese, and crackers followed by an unremarkable chocolate pound cake. After watching a few more episodes of Game of Thrones, my flight attendant asked if I would like my bed made. She grabbed a mattress topper and a nice comfy blanket, fully reclined my seat, and made my bed into what felt like a normal twin-size bed. I changed into the pajamas they provided and slept very well for a few hours. As a midnight snack I decided to try a bowl of spicy ramen, which lived up to its namsake of "spicy" by being a little too hot for my enjoyment. Luckily they also had cookies and milk on the menu, which I was very delighted to hear from the flight attendant when she said "I'm sorry, it will take about 8 minutes for me to bake them fresh for you". No worries - I have never been disappointed to wait for freshly baked cookies, and they certainly did not disappoint this time. After sleeping for a few more hours, my wife woke me up to let me know I only had a couple more hours until we landed. For lunch, they offered a nice "build your own salad" station with a blend of greens, veggies, and anchovy. It was nice to have something crisp and refreshing since I was feeling groggy after waking up. For my second meal I chose the Chilean Sea Bass with veggies. I really enjoyed it, but my wife wasn't too impressed. For dessert they served fruit and cheese again.
Upon landing, we weren't able to enjoy any of the lounges at the ICN airport since we only had 45 minutes to catch our connecting flight. After spending about 10 minutes looking for a lounge with a shower, we decided that we didn't have time and proceeded to our gate. The ~2.5 hour flight from ICN to NRT was on an Airbus A300-330. The first-class seating on this flight actually looked identical to the business class. The seats were still lie-flat, but it was about two-thirds the size. Again, I got the Bibimbap for my meal, even though it didn't come with the side of bulgogi this time. The flight was over before I knew it, and again the customer service we received was excellent.

Tokyo - Ritz Carlton

After getting our bags and going through customs and immigration, I had to figure out how to get to our first destination: The Ritz Carlton Tokyo. There's normally a "limousine bus" that leaves from the Narita airport that stops at our hotel, but because we weren't ready to depart from the airport until about 9:30pm there were no more buses for the day that stopped at The Ritz. There's also a train that goes directly to Tokyo Station, the "Narita Express (NEX)", but we also missed the last train for that. A quick Google search showed that it would cost about $300 to take a cab from the airport, we instead took a bus from the airport to a hotel about 2 miles from our hotel and took a cab from there. This was especially daunting considering my cellular data only worked for about 10 seconds every 10 minutes, it was getting late, and there was an obvious language barrier that made me wonder if we were headed in the right direction. But luckily, we made it to our hotel without too much effort. As expected, the customer service at The Ritz was great. Our bags were immediately taken for us when we stepped out of the cab and we were escorted to the main lobby on the 45th floor. When we stepped out of the elevator we were met by the live music of smooth jazz saxophone and a vocalist that made me think "god damn this is a swanky hotel". It got even better when we got to our room and were met with this view. They must clean the windows every day, because when you walk into the room you can't even tell there's a pane of glass there. It almost looks like an optical illusion. Having this great view was one of the highlights of the trip, and one of the biggest reasons to choose the Ritz Carlton when staying in Tokyo.
Again, I cannot believe how excellent the service was at this hotel. The concierge was great (for the most part - more on that later), turn-down service twice daily, spotlessly clean room and bathroom, etc. What really made them surpass my expectations were the little things. On Day 1 we used up all the complementary espresso pods, so during turn-down service the housekeeper left an extra box of espresso with a note (picture taken after we used some). Similarly, after a day when we used both complimentary bottles of water, after turn-down service we found two extra bottles of water with another endearing note. And one day when we mentioned to the concierge that we were celebrating my birthday and our honeymoon, we found this nice gift of chocolates in our room when we returned for the night (the heart and sphere were filled with chocolate covered almonds). Somehow I forgot to take pictures of our room. It was standard size as far as hotel rooms go, but the bathroom was exceptionally large. There was a bathtub, shower, two sinks, and a separate small room with the toilet. Speaking of the toilet, it seems like many toilets in Japan have built-in bidet systems with warm water and heated seats. This one was especially nice and had a "power deodorizer" that seemed to vacuum up the fumes directly from the bowl. Wouldn't be a deal-breaker if they didn't have it, but we enjoyed having a high-tech toilet for the first time in our lives :).
Like I said, the concierges were great with most of their recommendations. All of them were fluent in English and we enjoyed every activity/restaurant that was recommended, with one exception. For my birthday dinner we wanted to try some Japanese fine dining. We told the concierge our price limit of ~250/pp, and were recommended to try a traditional Japanese kaiseki at the Ritz Carlton's restaurant Hinokizaka. As expected, the view from our seats was excellent, and we were very happy to have some origami to take home with us as souvenirs. Unfortunately, those were the only things that we were impressed with. We've had the pleasure of dining at a handful of fine-dining restaurants and have never regretted splurging a few hundred dollars on a meal - until now. We were presented with two menu choices - one for $180 and the other $240. Without really looking too closely at the difference between the two menus we decided to get one of each. I still don't understand why the $240 menu was more expensive. Most dishes were nearly identical, but the $240 menu had one less course and there were no "ultra-luxury" items that would normally expect an upcharge like truffles, caviar, foie gras, etc. Without diving into detail on why each dish was disappointing, I'll just say that most dishes seemed poorly balanced - either too salty or too bitter. There was an herbal lemon jelly that several of the dishes used that completely overpowered the dish with a sour, bitter flavor that was, bluntly, disgusting. Maybe it's just that I don't like Japanese fine dining, because the restaurant seems to be well-reviewed elsewhere, but I will certainly not be going back for a ~$500 dinner. At least the presentation of the food was pretty.

Tokyo - Sightseeing Highlights

Tokyo was our favorite destination. Everything was surprisingly easy to navigate once we figured out that there are actually several distinct rail companies that share some of the same stations. At each of the rail stations we used, there was always staff that spoke English well enough to help us, and we were always made to feel welcome to the country. Every time we asked for help we were politely greeted and treated respectfully. Overall, it seems like Japan strongly encourages foreigners by having multi-language maps, easy to decipher pictures, and multi-lingual customer service to answer questions. The one really annoying thing that surprised me was the lack of trash cans. There were several times where we wanted to throw something away but instead just tossed it in our backpack because we walked for blocks without seeing a garbage can. The same thing goes for buying snacks in marketplaces - eat it and give your trash to the vendor you bought it from, otherwise be prepared to carry the trash with you all day. Somehow, the city seems pretty clean regardless.
While we were in Tokyo, we saw beautiful gardens and temples, and ate amazing food. Most of our time here was spent browsing for souvenirs around the various shopping districts (such as the famous Shibuya crossing area), falling in love with dogs at "puppy cafes", and playing wacky Japanese arcade games. We also spent half a day at DisneySea because my Wife is a Disney fanatic and she originally wanted to do DisneyWorld for our honeymoon.

Kyoto - Hyatt Regency

Compared to the Ritz Carlton, there's not really much to say about this hotel. Compared to most hotels, this was a very nice hotel. Compared to the Ritz Carlton, it was exceptionally normal. The service was pleasant and the concierge was able to recommend how to make the most of our time in Kyoto. From our second story window, we had absolutely no view - we could only see the wall of the building next door. Instead of a 65" top-of-the-line Sony Bravia, we instead had to watch Game of Thrones on a plebeian 42" display. We did not get gourmet chocolates left for us in our room, nor were any thoughtful handwritten notes left by the housekeeper. I know it's not fair to compare this Hyatt to the Ritz Carlton, so to be fair, this hotel was very nice. It was clean, comfortable, and conveniently located. Although I wouldn't recommend it at its cash price of ~$564/nt, I was happy to pay 20k Hyatt points to stay there.

Kyoto/Osaka - Sightseeing Highlights

We purchased the 7-day JR RailPass since I knew we'd use it for a round-trip to Tokyo-Kyoto-Osaka and a trip from Tokyo Station to Narita Airport. At ~$260 each, it more than paid for itself. You need to purchase the JR RailPass voucher while you're still in the United States, then bring the voucher with you to Japan. Exchanging the voucher at Tokyo Station was straightforward, and we were able to reserve a seat on the Shinkansen "Hikari" to Kyoto. After just under 3 hours, we arrived at Kyoto Station and took a complimentary taxi to our hotel.
Again, we saw some beautiful temples and ate lots of food. We took a day trip to Osaka using our JR RailPass. We decided not to get reserved seats and just hopped on the next available train, but unfortunately had to stand for the entire 45 minute journey. Osaka was an awesome city and probably deserved more than just a day trip. My wife loved the shopping areas there, and we also took a trip to Osaka Temple at night. While we were there they had an event going on called "Sakuya Lumina" where you stroll along the path to the temple and follow along with a short story of a girl from the future who's trying to get home. Along the way there are beautiful light shows and short movies, and a great photo spot where one of the employees offers to take photos with your phone. At the top, you get a great view of Osaka Temple close-up, where we also found some adorable and friendly stray cats.
Back in Kyoto, we had our most enjoyable day of the vacation. We took the subway to Arashiyama - most well known for its beautiful bamboo forest, temples, and most of all - the Iwatayama monkey park. It's a small hike and about $10 to get to the monkey park, but it's well worth it. When you reach the summit, there are dozens of Macaque monkeys just running around. There are a lot of employees around to stop tourists from touching the monkeys, but you can get pretty much as close as you want. The monkeys here are completely desensitized to humans are will walk right past you, even with their babies. There is a small hut with a fence for a wall where you can feed the monkeys potatoes and peanuts for $1/bag. We happened to be there during "feeding time" where one of the employees walks around and throws chestnuts and seeds on the ground which the monkeys go crazy for. I don't think there's anywhere else in the world where you can experience this, and it's a must-do during a visit to Kyoto.
While we were in Kyoto, we decided we had to try "real" Kobe Wagyu beef. I've had A5 wagyu once before at Cut in Beverly Hills, but I was excited to compare it to what Japan has to offer. And since my steak-loving wife has never tried it, I was especially excited to see her reaction to biting into the best steak shes ever had. The restaurant we chose, Premium Pound Gion, absolutely killed it. Each course was excellent, the ambiance was great (the whole restaurant is just a "chef's table" style seating), and steak was just as good as I remembered. If you've never had Kobe beef (note: the term "Kobe beef" has no significance in the USA, but "A5 wagyu" does; if you want to experience this type of steak in the USA, look for that designator) and aren't a vegetarian, you need to try it. It's worth it. Here are some pictures of the dinner.

Flight - Tokyo to Seoul

After taking the Shinkansen back to Tokyo and going back to the Ritz Carlton to pick some luggage we left there while we were in Kyoto, we spent the remainder of the day at DisneySea Tokyo then headed to our hotel airport to prepare for a 10:30am flight. The Hilton hotel we stayed at did have a very good breakfast buffet that included both Japanese and Western cuisine. For us it was complimentary thanks to the automatic HHonors Gold status provided by the Amex Hilton Ascend. The Korean Air lounge at NRT was pretty unremarkable - similar to the Virgin Atlantic lounge we used at IAD. They did have an area sectioned off for first-class only, which was pretty unnecessary since there was plenty of seating elsewhere. However, it was nice to be able to walk past the "first-class only" sign to let all the other lounge members know just how baller we are.
Just like the ICN-NRT flight, we were served a nice lunch followed be cheese and fruit. The same aircraft, A330-300, was used as well.

Seoul - Hilton Millennium

Unfortunately, with the exception of the Marriott Courtyard we stayed at in Dulles, this was the most disappointing stay of the trip. There wasn't anything awful about it, but this hotel just didn't have the same level of service as the others. When we arrived to the hotel, the doorman unloaded our bags for us but did not take them to our room. The concierge spoke English, but not very well. There was a doorman who assisted with taxis, but several times there were communication problems due to translation. Overall, the hotel staff seemed a little indifferent. In comparison to all the hotels I've ever stayed at, this probably still ranks in the top 50%, but is in a completely different category than the other hotels we stayed at for this trip. On the plus side, they give out free $10 vouchers per person per day to the casino attached to the hotel, which we were always sure to cash out before we left for the day. We also got free breakfast and "cocktail hour" snacks which were always mediocre. We had breakfast most days because it was provided for free, but I would not suggest paying for it if you're not an HHonors Gold member.

Seoul - Sightseeing Highlights

While we were in Seoul, we took a cab pretty much everywhere that wasn't within walking distance. The prices were cabs in Seoul are cheaper than any other city I've taken cabs (DC, NYC, Tokyo, Kyoto), and are barely more expensive than taking the metro. Most fares were less than $10, the most expensive being a ~22 minute cab to Gangnam costing about $13.
Again, we love to try exotic food, so we made sure to experience as much of the local cuisine and street food that we could try. The highlights were the freshly fried sweet "Korean pancake" filled with honey and walnuts and the muskmelon bingsu with ice cream that was surprisingly delicious considering how pretty it looked. We also had Korean BBQ from a restaurant called "The Marbling" that we went to twice because we enjoyed it so much. We really enjoyed walking through the markets and buying junky souvenirs. We also took a guided tour that I would not recommend since it ended with a trip to a "ginseng museum" where they locked us in a sales room for 30 minutes where we were relentlessly pitched to by salespeople to get us to buy hundreds of dollars worth of "cancer-preventing, life-lengthening, energizing ginseng".

Flight - Seoul to Dulles

The check-in for KAL first class flyers is pretty unique at ICN. There's a "first class check-in lounge" prior to security where you're served beverages while your bags are checked. I thought this was a nice touch compared to the normal check-in experience, even though we only stayed for a few minutes before going through security. From what I understand, there's several different Korean Air lounges at ICN. There's the "normal" KAL lounge that anyone can access, the miler lounge that can only be accessed by million milers, and then there's the first-class only lounge. We spent all of our time in the first class lounge, which was the nicest lounge of the trip. We had an early flight home so they were serving breakfast - an assortment of Korean and Western options as well as ice cream, beer, wine, and a small assortment of hard liquor. They also had table service where you could order eggs or a couple other traditional Korean breakfast options. They also had a massage chair, but I couldn't figure out how to work it because all of the controls were in Korean.
The flight was the same as the original IAD-ICN leg with some slightly different but equally delicious food options. After 14 hours of eating, sleeping, watching Game of Thrones, eating, and sleeping, we were back to real life in Dulles where we had a 3 hour drive home.

Award Redemption and Cost Analysis

Night #	Hotel	Avg Pts/nt	Avg cash rate	cpp
1	Marriott Courtyard (Dulles)	16,000	$270	1.69
2	In-flight	N/A	N/A	N/A
3	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
4	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
5	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
6	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
7	Ritz-Carlton (Tokyo)	48,000	$1155	2.41
8	Hyatt Regency (Kyoto)	25,000	$564	2.26
9	Hyatt Regency (Kyoto)	25,000	$564	2.26
10	Hyatt Regency (Kyoto)	25,000	$564	2.26
11	Hilton (Narita)	20,000	$130	.65
12	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
13	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
14	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
15	Hilton Millennium (Seoul)	55,000	$221	.40
		Total:	$8751

First class on Korean Air: 320,000 + $800 in taxes/fees (total for two passengers). Cash "value" is $39,541 (~12cpp).
Total points used:

Brand	Points
Marriott	240,000
Hilton	240,000
Hyatt (UR transfer)	75,000
Skypass (UR transfer)	320,000

Annual fees paid to accumulate these points:

Card	Annual fee
Chase Sapphire Reserve	$450
Chase Sapphire Reserve	$450
Chase Sapphire Preferred	$95
Chase Sapphire Preferred	$95
Hilton Ascend	$95
Hilton Ascend	$95
Chase Marriott	$95
Chase Marriott	$95
Total:	$1470

Approximate spending during travel (note: these are rough approximations that I made by taking our total amount spent, $3336.39, and estimating the proportion spent toward each category other than food, then assuming that the rest was on food):

Category	Amount
Food	$2386.39
Transportation (taxi, subway, bus)	$250
Transportation (JRPass)	$560
Activities	$400
Souvenirs	$300
Total:	$3896.39

 
Cash spend (travel accommodations, including fees paid to accrue points): $2,270
Cash spend (expenses during travel): ~$3,900

Total cost of vacation: $6170

Conclusion

The many hours of accumulating points, learning from /churning and /awardtravel, and planning our itinerary were well worth it. I can't wait to build up our points bank in preparation for our next big redemption. Even though I'm glad we flew first class once, I don't think we'll splurge on it again. Business class seems adequate, even though the seats are a fair bit smaller. At least first class seats had plenty of availability so planning around our schedules and only flying non-peak season was not an issue. The Ritz Carlton Tokyo was amazing and well worth the points, but unfortunately due to Marriott award redemption change this hotel will now cost 85k points instead of 60k. It may still be worth it if you have the points to get the 5th night free. The Hyatt Regency was nice, but definitely not worth the cash rate. The Hilton Millennium was probably not worth the amount of points we blew on it, but Hilton points are pretty worthless anyway. The Conrad in Seoul may have been a better option - it's hard to say, they have similar reviews. If you go to Japan, go to Arashiyama and the Iwatayama Monkey Park! Also, early May turned out to be a great time of the year to travel to Japan/Korea. Every day was in the low 70s and mostly sunny - perfect weather!

I just returned home from a 7 day on the NCL Epic. Here is my experience and advice. Feel free to ask any questions.
​
Day 0 - Travel to Orlando
We flew in late Friday night and booked a hotel close to port for easy transfer in the AM. We took an Uber from the airport to the Country Inn right by the port. The uber ride was around $35 and we tipped a little extra for it being so far so late at night. (approx 1am). The hotel itself was nice, but the beds are terrible. I mean..TERRIBLE.
Day 1 - Embarkation Day
We took the 10:30 am transfer from the hotel to the port. They tell you not to arrive more than an hour before boarding, but it was the only time they had available. We arrived at the port a little before 11 and walked right into the terminal with no delays. Check in was super easy and we were given boarding group 10. They started boarding a little early and we were on the ship by a little after noon.
We were unable to reserve any meal reservation before hand, so our first goal was to get those placed. They directed everyone to headliners comedy club where they had multiple computers set up to do the reservations. We were able to get the days and times we wanted with no issues, including one that very evening.
Since we smoke, our next item was to find the smoking areas. For those interested, there are 3 of them on the Epic. Deck 16 aft at Spice H20 was the one we used the most. There was also one on deck 15 mid near the pools and bar. This one is smaller and was always crammed with people. The last option is the Casino, but you can only smoke there when playing, and the casino doesn't open until you hit international waters.
We were comfortably buzzed by the time we had our Muster Drill. 3pm in your designated location. It lasted roughly 1/2 hour. We were scheduled to leave at 4pm and the sail away party started right at 4. The boat however did not move. During the sail away party there was a Code Alpha announcement which we later found out was a medical emergency.
Around 5pm the captain came on and said we would be delayed due to the emergency. We later found out that a man had died of a heart attack and they delayed so that the family could take him off the ship while we were still in port.
We finally set sail around 9pm. We were worried that we would miss our first stop in the Bahamas, but the captain assured us that we would make it on time.
We spent the next couple hours checking things out and playing a little in the casino.
Day 2 - Bahamas
We were woken up in the AM by Mandy "your Cruise Director" letting us know that we were in the Bahamas and would be starting the tender process. Our excursion wasn't until the afternoon, so we were in no hurry to get off the ship. We went to the buffet for breakfast, and hung out on board a little. Around 10 we headed to deck 6 to get in line for tendering as we didn't have a group number we needed to be in. Let me tell you, that line was ridiculous. It stretched all the way from Aft to bow. We got lucky, and they opened up another tender in the front of the ship, so we only waited about 5 minutes to get on the tender.
The water there is beautiful, and since the island is owned by NCL, all drinks were free (we had the UBP). We spent the rest of the morning chilling on the beach and wading in the water. At 1:30 we headed to the info desk to start our excursion. A short 5 minute walk to the other side of the island and we were on a boat headed to another small island. It was only about a 5 minute boat ride to get there. When we arrived, we saw them in all their glory. Pigs! big beautiful pigs!
This is one of those excursions that you never have to do again, but it was super fun and an experience to say the least. You are provided with skewers with apples on the end and the pigs will swim right up to you and eat them. We spend a couple hours doing that, petting them, feeding them, and even holding them. Like I said, not something I ever need to do again, but a fun experience non the less.
After this, we headed back to the island and then back to the ship. Overall a very fun day.
Day 3 - Sea Day
This day was spent entirely in the casino. I was lucky enough to hit a decent jackpot early in the AM, so we had the money to play all day. Had this not happened, I have no idea what we would have done.
Day 4 - Ochos Rios, Jamaica
We decided not to do an excursion here, and just wander around. If you don't like to be hassled, do an excursion. If you can handle saying no 1000 times, feel free to wander around. We went to a few shops and had some drinks at Margaritaville. Then, since we were on vacation, decided to take a drive with a local guy and see some of the sights. He took us around to see the falls and to a great overlook where we could see the whole city below. He also had some decent weed, so that was nice. By about 1 o'clock we headed back to the ship for some food and a nap. Woke up around 5, had some dinner, and then back to bed for the night.
Day 5 - Grand Cayman
This was another tender port, but since we had an excursion, we had to be in the theater at 8:30 am. We were delayed a little as we had another Code Alpha the night before and they needed to do a medical evacuation. Tender process was pretty quick and we were on the island by 9:15/9:30. There are tents set up right at the dock to meet your tour. We walked a couple blocks and got on a boat with about 50 other people to do the Reef and Wreck Snorkel Adventure. Unfortunately the water was very choppy and the sun wasn't out so we didn't get to see the blue water that is in all the pictures. Once in the water though, you can see to the bottom really well and it was still a beautiful sight. The water there is very very salty, which was nice for buoyancy, but not fun to get in your mouth. This only lasted a couple hours, and we still had plenty of time to wander around town. We picked up some more souvenirs and then made our way to Burger King for some real food. PSA- it doesn't taste the same, but was still awesome.
After getting back on the boat, we decided we would take in a show. We ordered tickets from our room TV and chilled for a couple hours before the show. We saw Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Overall it was a pretty good show. If you are easily offended, skip it.
Day 6 - Cozumel
Another non excursion day. We walked around and did some shopping, nothing too exciting. The people were much less pushy that Jamaica, so that was nice. If you are planning on buying things here, don't get them at the shops right inside the port. Walk through the mall a little. The further you get from the boat, the cheaper they are. Also, feel free to haggle.
Day 7 - Sea Day
Another day in the casino. Didn't do as well, but still had enough to last all day. Overall an ok time.
Day 8 - Disembarkation
We booked a transfer to the airport through NCL. Our disembark time was approx 9:30 and they called us a little after 9. Getting off was super easy, and the new face recognition thing they use is really smooth. Luggage pickup was a clusterf*ck, but still only took us 10 minutes or so to get our luggage. Then everything stopped. The line to get on the buses to the airport was ridiculous. We waited almost an hour to get on board. The ride is about 45 minutes to the airport. We were luck enough to get on the bus with a driver who had never been to the airport before. How do they let this happen? It was a mess. We needed terminal A, but by the time she figured everything out we were in Terminal B and decided we would just walk over to A just to get off the bus. Personally, we will never use NCL's transfer again. I'd rather pay a little more for a taxi or Uber.
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Quick note on Dining - We ate at the Main dining once, specialty 3 time, and the rest was the buffet or O'sheehans. The main dining was actually very good. The buffet was fine, it was a buffet. Cagney's was amazing. La Cucina was my least favorite, should have just done Cagney's 3 times.
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The big question - Is the UBP worth it? Honestly, yes, but not because I'ma huge drinker. We probably didn't get enough drinks to cover the cost. The advantage is not having to worry about anything. No matter what you want, you just give them a card and its no cost. The convenience was worth more than the actual price of the drinks. Plus you don't have to check your account every day to make sure you aren't spending too much.
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Sorry this is long, but I wanted to give everyone a thorough review of my first cruise. Feel free to ask any questions and I'll be happy to answer.
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TL;DR - Went on a cruise, had fun. Prefer All-Inclusive Resorts though.

Basically a long rant about the worst breakfast experience I've worked so far, but here goes! I'm a houseman at my hotel (I start every post with this apparently) and recently I've been set up to help with the continental breakfast on Sunday mornings because I'm there and Sundays get super busy with all the checkouts so why not have an extra hand, you know? I get to skip vacuuming the hallways that day, heighten my potential for tips, and get breakfast, so, slam dunk, right?
Well, today was a busy Sunday with 47 checkouts. I'm sure it sounds small to those of you brave souls who worl in hotels or casinos with several hundred, even thousand rooms, but we're a small hotel with 90 or so rooms and 47 groups leaving is a lot for us and it causes some problems for breakfast. Checkouts nearly always stop for breakfast and we end up running out of food because we never have enough and the shipment comes in on Tuesdays and "Carol", the woman who runs breakfast usually, always looses her cool. She wants me to start helping her and "Shelly" (the secondary breakfast staff) with breakfast the second I arrive because it's So Busy On Sundays but the one time I did we got complaints about the pool deck I didn't have time to clean being dirty and the trash I didn't get to take out was overflowing everywhere and breakfast was literally a one person job until 8:30am so unless they walkie me for an emergency, I show up at 8:30am. Today I was there then, as usual, and there's a decent amount of people showing up as the checkouts began and I was happy to be there when I could be useful! I helped people with the waffle machine, restocked utensils, and attempted to restock pastries. I was told by Carol that we're running out of pastries and to only put out X amount of this and X amount of that and no more of this. Cool, fine, I can totally handle putting out less pastries and breads in order to conserve stock. The less people see, the less they'll be comfortable taking usually! Makes total sense! So I'm mostly just reorganizing the pastries and breads to make them look fuller, only restocking them when they're dangerously low. Around 9:00am however, a huge group of people flood in, all craving breakfast. Shelly (who is in charge of cooking the eggs and meat) didn't plan for this and is now rushing to put more food in the over. Food takes time to cook though, and we naturally run out in the breakfast area.
At this point Carol is cracking. Carol takes breakfast super seriously and expects everyone to feel the same way and for everything to look and be Picture Perfect at all times, but she's not what we call a 'people person'. She regularly gets complaints from guests about being rude, insulting, and just generally lurking about them to ensure they don't overfill the waffle cup or something and it freaks them out. Point is, when things get rough, she gets mean(er) to guests and that's where we were at then. I was told explicitly to not attempt to refill anything if there were people standing around it because we don't wanna cut in front of guests, but for some reason Carol forwent that rule entirely and while refilling the muffin tray just started loudly telling people to move and let her through. The whole time she was going about doing fairly asinine tasks that, while of course valuable normally, weren't necessary at the moment and were just putting her in peoples way, such as wiping down small stains on the counter or refilling a halfway full yogurt bowl. So, now people waiting in line for the eggs and sausages that had run out were feeling tired, hungry, and insulted. Perfect, nice work.
People are getting upset, Shelly is begging the oven to cook faster, and Carol is busy insulting the guests in an attempt to... appease them by refilling the muffin tin no one was waiting for? Things are going downhill fast when the inner ex-waitress in me came out and I had an idea! I went up to people in line and offered to bring them plates of sausages and eggs when it came out so they could sit down with their families or friends and not wait in line. The best way to satiate angry guests is to give them free perks, and people were totally happy to have me play server to them! People in line started sitting down meaning 1: Unhappy guests are now happy as they get to relax rather than wait in line, 2: The overly small buffet area is now clearer with more space to move and restock things, and 3: Unsuspecting guests are now out of Carol's warpath. It was a win-win-win as far as I could see! While I was waiting for the hot food to come out I went and restocked things, took out trash, and did my regular breakfast stuff. Then I loaded up plates of what people had asked for and brought it to them at their tables. Smiles all around, breakfast was saved!
Until it wasn't. A guy at 9:50am (10 minutes from closing) asked about smoothies. I had checked the fridge a few times to see if we had more but Carol (who is in charge of smoothies) didn't make anymore. I figured we must be running low on that too otherwise she would have made more, but evidently not. When the guy asked me if we had more I told him "Sorry, no", and Carol said to me "We don't because you haven't been a good helper today!" as she walked away, which sorta shocked me, but maybe I'd done something wrong that I didn't know about so I just held off.
When breakfast ended and we shut the doors Carol elaborated on this by turning to me, saying:
"Things need to get done around here! I don't know if you don't get it or aren't trying to get it! I can't make smoothies if you aren't here, I don't know where you went, but I had to do everything."
I'm just stunned at this point. I'd spent my morning making sure people she'd insulted and snapped at didn't leave her All Important Breakfast to go write more complaints that were piling up against her while doing every other task I was required to do. It wasn't a perfect solution to our Low Food Problem but it was the best I could come up with and it worked. We're allowed and encouraged at the hotel to do whatever we are capable of to make sure guests have the best experience, we've all taken courses about it! So I told her:
"I was running plates of food to people so they didn't have to stand in line. The food had run out and they were getting upset and it made them happy, that's what was important."
Carol: "We don't do that here. I need you to be here filling things, that's what's important!"
Me: "I was filling whatever I saw that was empty, I thought it was all being handled fine."
Carol: "No you weren't, I was doing all of it and now look, smoothies didn't get made. I can't let them run out!"
Me: "If you need something done you can always just ask me, I miss stuff, just let me know."
Carol: "You need to be here for me to ask you."
Me: "I was here, the whole time."
Carol: "If you think you were..."
I couldn't believe it! I'd gone out of my way to do double-duty so guests didn't complain or God forbid bring up our 100% Satisfaction Guarantee at checkout and she was acting like I hadn't done anything the whole time because I wasn't also filling random things she TOLD ME not to fill too much and getting in the way of guests? If she had just trusted me to do my job, like I always do, she could have been making smoothies, which is the only thing she needed to do and somehow I'm at fault for her lack of faith? I have never not done as good a job as possible during breakfast. I really genuinely thought I was giving the guests the best experience possible during a difficult situation and thought that was the most important thing.
tl;dr We were low on all food and kept running out of hot food at breakfast and the breakfast supervisor was snapping at people while getting in their way trying to refill things that didn't need to be filled. To prevent a problem I offered to serve the hungry and insulted handful of people in line at their tables which they liked and satisfied them enough to not complain. Supervisor proceeds to blame me for smoothies she's supposed to make not being made because she "had to do everything herself" when what she was doing was part of the problem. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this, thought I had done a good job making guests happy which we're told is the number one priority.

Part 1
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Part 4
Part 5
You guys are simply amazing. I took a lot of what you said and tried to limit any consumption of any sort, and I made sure to only do it when someone from my group was around.
Also, sorry I didn’t respond to more comments… The opportunities to do so were few and far between. I also didn’t have my phone on me a lot of the day due to some of the activities we took part in.
I also tried my best to never be alone, but some things made that quite difficult. You’ll understand more in a bit. I am looking forward to any more help you all have to offer.
I am so glad I posted here.
I have an update for you. But I don’t have a lot of answers. Just a lot more questions.
Right now it’s very early in the morning (about 5AM) on the third day. I am typing this in the dark outside on one of the decks. The light from my phone screen is turned way down, I don’t want anyone to know I am here or that I have my phone. I’ll explain more in a bit.
So after I finished my update yesterday, I laid in bed for several hours until Rachel woke up. The both of us got changed and got ahold of Sarah and Bill on some walkie talkies we brought. The plan was to meet up with them at the general buffet for breakfast.
After getting there and making our way through a small horde of people, we found a table and sat with our food.
The morning chat was light, we were all still pretty tired and groggy (me most of all), so there wasn’t much beyond the “How did you sleep?” and comments about the activities listed for the day. I tried my best not to give off a vibe that something was wrong.
Eventually we had made our way through the majority of our meals, both Rachel and Sarah got up to go to the restroom.
I know what you are thinking how could you possibly let them off alone like that!?.
I had to. It’s really hard to try and convince someone not to be alone without raising too many questions.
I kept solace in the fact at least the two of them, were together. It’s the best I could do for now.
While they were gone. I asked Bill if he could spare a few minutes in the evening to talk about something.
About Bill and Sarah; Bill is a very tall guy. Though he has a bit of a beer-belly, he doesn’t come off as “fat”. He just comes off as tallebigger. He has short dark hair and dark eyes and usually wears dark clothing (including a beanie) to fit his demeanor. Sarah is a perfect match for him. She’s not quite as tall (and drinks lightly so certainly no beer-belly), but also dresses in darker clothing with dark hair and dark eyes. One interesting thing about her is that she is allergic to the sun. She will start to get a bad sunburn after as little as 60 seconds in direct sunlight (No, she’s not a vampire). This also means her skin is much more on the pale side than most. I went to high school with the both of them, but they didn’t even start hanging out or dating until well after we had all graduated.
I any case, I could tell Bill wasn’t catching onto the seriousness of my tone. Bill and Sarah are married. Not to say they don’t have an awesome marriage (they definitely do), but there are moments for all of us (married or just dating) when we will try to just get out for a “night with the boys”. That’s what Bill thought this was. I could tell he thought I was giving him an excuse to get out for the night and party.
While he obviously didn’t pick up on my narrowed eyes, non-smiling mouth, and shaking legs when I asked him, his yearning to get out inevitably worked in my favor as he happily agreed. We made plans to meet up at around 7pm near the casino.
I could tell he was a bit confused though when I told him not to mention anything about it to Sarah. He reluctantly obliged.
The four of us spent the rest of the day together. I was essentially trying to get my mind off things. We went to the arcade, did some swimming.
I know a lot of you wanted me to avoid anything public… But similar to my point above, I just couldn’t do it without raising questions. I know Rachel wouldn’t want to sit in our state room all day either, so that would mean she would be out on the boat by herself (possibly with the other two of our group, but without being with her there was no way to know for sure).
I should probably preface that this cruise is down near the equator, so roughly 12hrs of sun and 12hrs of night each day.
At around 6:30, we returned to our rooms to switched from our casual wear to nicer clothes (nights were still very cold surprisingly). Rachel said she would go with me to the casino, and then let us boys do our thing. Sarah must have had a similar thought, since all four of us showed up at the same time together. I could see the relief in Bill’s eyes that Rachel had come, and Rachel took quick action in scooping Sarah off to some loud ringing slot machine on the other side of the casino.
I was relieved in my own way that neither of the girls would be alone.
I immediately lead Bill away from the crowded smoky area into a nearby whiskey lounge. We took some chairs in a space in the corner away from others. And I divulged to him what I had seen.
Bill: “Wow. Really? That’s fucked up…”
I could tell that his second glass of whiskey was already having an impact on him… I, on the other hand (and at the advice of many of you) had barely taken two sips out of my glass.
Me: “I don’t know what to do… I mean, it probably wasn’t real right? It was just a show, right?”
Bill: “I have no idea man. I didn’t see it, so I can’t say for sure… Are you sure you weren’t dreaming?”
Doubt begun to seep back into my mind…
Me: “Well… Now I am not sure. I was pretty sleepy just before switching the channels… But like I said, I haven’t really slept since, so I don’t really remember “waking up” from it if it were a dream.”
Bill: “That’s a good point…””
Me: “So what would you do in my position?”
Bill: “Honestly?”
Before I could advise against any further consumption of alcohol, he took a generous gulp of his whiskey. I could tell it didn’t go down right…
Bill looked at me and I could tell that he was about to borrow that whiskey rather than own it. He bolted for the bathroom and left me there to wait.
I chuckled, for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Alcohol was free on the trip, and Bill was certainly making use of that.
This is probably why I was surprised when the waiter showed up with a check for our drinks…
“I thoughts drinks are free?” I asked looking with a furrowed brow at my bill.
The waiter took a slightly uncomfortable time to respond and finally said “not all the drinks…” in a very monotone quiet voice.
I read down the line items of the drinks (far more ordered by Bill than myself). I felt guilty letting him consume that much of anything, let alone alcohol. Especially knowing what I had known...
Then I saw the total at the bottom: Two dollars and Twenty-Eight fucking cents… $2.28…
I snapped my head up quickly and waiter was gone. I looked around cautiously. There were just a few other people in the area. If they had noticed anything, they were doing a very good job of pretending they didn’t.
I looked back at what had been handed to me. Closer inspection showed that it didn’t really resemble much of a receipt at all. It wasn’t handwritten, but it was very crude. The lines of drinks were right. This sent a chill down my spine. Someone had watched us the entire time and knew everything we drank.
I waited a few more minutes for Bill to return, but my paranoia got the best of me and I left quickly for my room. Hopefully he could find the girls once he was done doing what he had to do.
I know this was dumb, but I just couldn’t stay there waiting for something to happen.
As I made my way through the ship, I tried my best to control my adrenaline and slow my pace down as to not draw attention to myself. I still moved as quickly as I could up the staircases (somehow being in the confined space of the elevators seemed very unappealing). I got to my floor and navigated down the hallway decorated with various exotic fish and somewhat dated wood-paneled walls.
I got to the end, my room. I fumbled with my key card momentarily and eventually made my way in closing the door behind me.
I stood for a few moments with my back pressed against the door. Almost as if I was trying to keep someone out, but to the best of my knowledge I wasn’t being followed. The only sounds were the thoughts in my head and the waves outside still crashing against the ship.
For a moment I felt incredibly alone, starting out the window of our room over the railing of our balcony to the vast expanse of white capped waves breaking against the twilight of a once sunny day turning to a moonlit night. Something was happening on this Ship. Obviously the people in charge had to know about it, but why?
I tried to think of my next move, but my mind clouded and could only come up with one solitary cohesive thought; “Turn on the TV.”
What did I have to lose at this point? Things were already getting more out of hand. Someone knew what I had seen, and they made sure that I knew that they knew. As far as I could tell I was as good as fucked.
So against what I would perceive to be my better judgement, I flipped the TV on. It was already on channel 228. I thought for a moment about turning it off, but I was actually strangely relieved by what I saw.
“Deck 15. 5:30AM.” Was all it displayed in flashing in big red block letters against a black background.
I knew immediately what this meant. Someone wanted to meet up with me.
I went to reach for my phone to take a picture.
Right then my walkie talkie chirped. It was Rachel.
The TV Shut off entirely. But her voice still helped me feel at ease with the situation.
Rachel: “Babe, are you there? Where are you and Bill at?”
Me and Bill… What the fuck… Instantly my mind filled with dread. He hadn’t made it back to them after I left. Was he ok? Did he just go back to the room not feeling well? Questions began to fill my mind.
Rachel: “Riley!”
I snapped back to reality and snatched up the walkie.
Me: “Yea yea sorry I am here. Are you still at the casino?”
Rachel: “No. We went back to Sarah and Bills room so she could take a shower and get some more cash. Just figured I would check in.”
Mother fucker. He wasn’t in the room. Where the fuck is he!?
I had to think quick… Really quick. I looked at the time. 9:00PM. It was getting late.
Me: “Yea we are still out having fun. I’ll be back at the room a little later. Don’t wait up for me. Let Sarah know not to wait for Bill either.”
I felt like a piece of shit for lying like that. I just didn’t want them to worry.
But I realized that if Bill was in danger, they were too.
Me: “Let me know when you come back to the room to go to sleep, just so I know to be quiet when I get in.”
There was no response.
I felt my pulse quicken. I waited and tried to calmly ask again.
Me: “Rachel, did you hear me? Let me know when you go back to the room.”
Rachel: “Yea sorry, I must have forgot to press the communication button down. No problem! I’ll let you know when I am back.”
I almost cried hearing her voice. It was the most relief I had felt since I first stepped onto this fuckin boat.
This sucked. I was supposed to be having fun and creating memories I would never forget… Well at least the last part of that was true.
I immediately set out to find Bill. And honestly? I was getting pissed. I can take quite a bit, but this was starting to cross the line.
I still remained cautious without drawing attention to myself, but I felt ready to deal with whatever was about to happen. I had to. If Bill wasn’t back by morning I knew I would have to tell Sarah and Rachel everything. I really don’t like to lie.
I began my search. I started from where I last saw him and worked outwards. There was no sign of him anywhere. I didn’t ask anyone if they saw him. I didn’t want to bring any more negative attention to myself. But he was nowhere.
I also had to be careful to avoid Rachel and Sarah. If they saw me without Bill, I knew there would be questions.
Fortunately, the familiar chirp on the walkie came through after about an hour of searching.
Rachel: “Going to bed babe. Have fun, and don’t stay out too late. Big day tomorrow.”
I remembered that we had a stop in some port the next day. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. It’s not like I could get off the ship and never get back on… Especially if Bill didn’t turn up. I started retracing my steps. Nothing.
I lost track of time and before I knew it, it was 4:30AM. I made my way up to deck 15 slowly and carefully. If someone took Bill, whomever was up there might have an answer to that and all the other questions that sloshed around in my brain.
So here I am. At now 5:28AM on deck 15. There is only one staircase up to this area. It’s just a small outdoor courtyard, basically as high as you can go on the ship. In other words, someone would only know you are here if they were here with you.
A railing that is about 4 feet high surrounds the entirety of the area, broken only where the stairs come up. The area itself is no more than about 10ft by 10ft. I was standing directly opposite the stairway on the other side of the railing.
I scoped out the area and didn’t see anything like a camera or audio recording device, so I feel both nervous and relieved that only the person I am meeting will know I am here.
Based on whatever happens, I might not be able to respond to comments quickly… Or ever...
I heard the gate at the base of the stairs swing open and shut. Someone’s coming up.
I’ll update soon… Hopefully…

I like seeing all of these stories about 2000's underground poker. I wrote about my time in the 2000's running an underground poker ring in Charleston South Carolina.
Here is what was going on in South Carolina during that time. This was a real cat and mouse game with the police that turned into a poker game all on its own.
https://www.cardplayer.com/poker-news/4065-poker-players-fight-the-law-in-south-carolina
Chapter 1
https://imgur.com/gzs3uYJ
Every other morning as I iron my shirt for work I am reminded of the secret life that I had lived for nearly two years. See, an eight foot by four foot felt poker table with a four inch raised padded rail, automatic card shuffler, and chip drop-slot makes for a great ironing board. In a pinch it also serves many other, equally as important purposes. I name them off in my head as I flatten the collar of my favorite blue shirt; a large desk for history homework, a hard table for an impromptu interrogation, a soft platform for sweaty sex, and of course a poker table for making money. I put on my shirt, still hot from the iron and I roll up my sleeves as I walk down the stairs from the third story of my townhouse. The October air in Charleston is cool and feels good against the heat on the back of my neck. I slide into my shiny red BMW, nearly two years old now, but paid for. The smell of raw leather still lingers in the interior, and seems stronger on mornings like these. I instinctively push the button on the center console to lock the doors before I grab the gear shift and put the car into reverse. I don’t know why BMW doesn’t make them lock automatically. I pull out onto the highway and spin the tires, listening to the 330 horsepower wake up the car. I’m not in a hurry or anything, in fact I haven’t been in a hurry for quite some time. It’s just that it is sometimes important to make it look like you are in a rush, and sometimes it is just because it feels damn good to go fast.
“Folks don’t get wealthy by being in a hurry.” I remember lecturing to Kevin in one of the first months of our two year, million dollar endeavor. He was always in a hurry. I still stand by my saying, though I should have replaced “wealthy” with “anything they want.” Folks don’t get anything they want by being in a hurry. Oprah Winfrey did not get rich by rushing into having a talk show with a book club, and presidents don’t get into the White House by throwing their name on the ticket the minute the idea pops into their head. No. Oprah started by landing a co-anchor position on the local nightly news. And Ronald Reagan started as a B-list actor before becoming president of the Screen Actors Guild, Governor of California, and finally President of the United States. People don’t get married by flying to Vegas minutes after meeting each other, or after a one night stand. Well, maybe they do, but this is why it doesn’t work. They slow down and date for years, are engaged for another and then they get married, in a church, surrounded by their families and are then taken off in a horse drawn carriage to their honeymoon. That’s how you fucking do it.
It is an uneventful two hour drive on highway 17 going north. Myrtle Beach isn’t really busy this time of year, but the traffic is still just as bad. It’s a good thing that I am not in a hurry. I pull into my VIP spot with almost an hour to spare, the parking lot is empty except for a few cars spattered in the first two rows. An old minivan with curtains on the windows, a Ford Escort with a spare tire rusting on the rear axle, and an old Chevy truck with a child’s car seat in the passenger side, just to name a few. The owners of which are probably already claiming their lucky seats. Fucking suckers. They all probably rushed to get here too and onto the boat. I stay in my car for another 15 minutes and wait, listening to the ‘pumped’ playlist on my iPod, my car’s premium speakers matching perfectly to the acoustics of the interior space. I think just for a second about pulling out of my space and driving further up the coast to Atlantic City. I would probably be too exhausted from the drive by the time I got there and would sleep in the hotel until late at night. That is when the real whales come out. Here on the 11 am Myrtle Beach casino boat the closest thing to a whale is the 350 pound mother of five glued to a stool in front of the “Wheel of Fortune” slot machine. I don’t leave, instead I open my glove box and stuff six 100 dollar bills into my pants pocket, any more or any less would be unnecessary, at least on a Wednesday. I walk slowly up to the path and say hi to Dave as I pass up onto the ramp. I don’t need to show any ID to board.
“Good Morning, Ryan.” Dave says as he straightens his back and pulls the daily newspaper from his stand, handing it to me. They all know me by name; I know most of theirs too, but not them. Which is alright, that makes us even. I pass through the halls and by the sad looking, unlit slot machines. Some people have already claimed their seat with a jacket and their lucky bucket. I go up to the tallest portion of the ship, the poker room, and head out onto the deck. No one else is out here, probably due to the two flights of stairs and the fact that there is a free buffet on the floor below. I sit down in one of the cushioned white chairs and pull the first cigar of the day out of my shirt pocket. I light it with my silver Zippo that is etched with a royal flush and blow out the puff of smoke as I put my feet up on the metal rail. It’s going to be another half hour before we undock and another half hour after that while we float out into international waters. I know from experience that this cigar will last exactly one hour, paired with two Grey Goose and Red Bulls it is truly the breakfast of champions. At this time most people in the eastern half of the United States are sipping on their second cup of coffee while sitting on their uncomfortable office chairs in their grey or brown cubicles. I think about this just as land disappears from sight over my polished black Italian shoes. That could be me, making 40k a year in an unhappy office; only looking forward to the weekends for freedom. My college degree is somewhere in a box already. I graduated in May, majoring in business management with a 4.0 GPA. My parents were thrilled; their little boy had accomplished something great. They didn’t know. Their little boy hadn’t been a little boy in a long time, and he had already accomplished something so great that he couldn’t even tell them. Fuck a degree, fuck a 4.0. The only reason I had even stayed in school for my last year was because I had nothing better to do, not because I wanted a fucking job. My parents think that I have submitted my application to nearly every business in Charleston. “Sorry mom, this economy just isn’t a good one for a freshly graduated 23 year old. They want someone with more experience.” I’m not sure how true this is, because I haven’t even made my resume, let alone actually gave it to a company. I was too scared of getting hired. So I don’t travel back to Ohio to visit them that often. I couldn’t lie to my mother right to her face. I could lie to nine strangers around a piece of felt, and they would believe me, but to my mom, no. I sometimes think that if she knew the basics of poker, she could beat me.
My coworkers are all already around the table when the signal is called for the first hand to be dealt. I take the last good drag off of my cigar and tossed it over the two decks below into the water and grab my Vodka Red Bull and headed inside. The scene has changed dramatically from an hour ago. I slowly walk to the open chair on the right end of the table in seat three and pull 400 dollars out as I sit down. I surveyed the table while walking up. Most people have 200 dollars; one guy has about 350 dollars with his wallet next to his stack on the table. Sometimes it’s good to be the last to sit. I know exactly how much to put down to top everyone yet not be too robust and scare everyone off when I am in a hand. Mr. Wallet is not afraid to lose every bit of that 350, and I have to have that covered. The locals know me – and my play. They know exactly what I am doing – they think they know exactly what I am doing, I’m not worried about them. The good thing about casinos is the vacationers; rotating money. None of them know me or how I play, but I know all of them and exactly how they play. Well, at least the 90 percent of them that play the same damn way. This is especially true of the ones with dark sunglasses, or earphones, or their lucky card covers. They watch too much T.V. The dealer knows me by name and after taking my frequent player card he slides over my stacks of chips. Mostly white-one dollar and red-five dollar chips, but a few are green-twenty five dollar chips. “There you go, Ryan. Good luck” He says, tapping the top of the largest stack. Luck? I don’t know what it is about tapping and poker. I look around the table and catch a glimpse of a sunglassed teenager tapping the rail with a green chip, a fat man with an iPod tapping his knee along with the beat of his music and then the dealer tapping my white chips. And of course the tapping that every player does when they say “check”. I swear if I could block everything else out but the tapping it would sound like some sort of long lonely song. I grabbed my chips and pulled them close to the rail. The sound of chips clanking together is a sound that every poker player knows. It is especially prevalent during the first ten minutes of any game. Most people have been waiting, impatiently, to get those chips, and now they want to feel them in their hands. They want to show off their talent of chip-shuffling, and chip-bouncing, or other hand tricks. I have seen them all. Chip tricks are cheap tricks, who do these fuckers think they are? I can’t resist. I take a stack of three red chips and three white chips and put them side by side. I shuffle them once with perfect form, and then I cut the stack of six into two stacks of three again and shuffle once more. I again put them in two stacks of three and shuffle one last time. When I split them again they are in two perfect stacks of three reds and three whites. I amuse myself by doing this a few more times. No one is watching. They are all busy doing the exact same thing; killing the two minutes while the dealer shuffles the brand new deck of cards. Before I know it I have two cards in front of me and I take a quick peak. 4d9c. Rags, I have a 32 percent chance of catching a pair, and that wouldn’t even help. I probably have less than a 5 percent chance of winning this hand.. “Fold.” I say, tossing my cards into the middle of the table as I slump back into my chair. I’m in no rush.

TL/DR: Had a great run at the craps tables Super Bowl weekend. Arrived in Vegas Friday afternoon and departed Monday afternoon and stayed at Planet Hollywood. Got on a hot roll first session of the weekend and didn't look back - no losing days! I had some memorable rolls and hit the bonus bets.
SuperBowl trip:
My friends have been doing the SuperBowl weekend trip in Vegas for years - I joined them for the first time in 2018. This is my second trip with this crew.
My game:
I place the 6/8 for $30 each (or $60 on the other number if 6/8 is the point). Pass line & continuous come bets with odds (down with odds if the 6/8 hit).
For odds, at a $10 table I'll take full 3-4-5 X odds (or 5X odds if allowed) out of the gate. I didn't find much in the way of $10 tables in Vegas .... AT $15/$25 tables I start my odds $30 on 4/10, $40 on 5/9 and $50 on 6/8 - press my odds if the table heats up and then increase my come bet if the table stays hot.
I'll bet $15 on the hardway if the point can be rolled hard (i.e., 4/10 or 6/8) and I dabble in the bonus bets (repeaters and all-tall-small)
Friday afternoon
Check-in, hit the patio at Beer Park (Paris) for an adult beverage.
Back to Planet Hollywood for craps. Open $15 minimum table. The first 2 base dealers had my game figured out in seconds: "down with odds", they'd leave $15 change in the come for me (knowing I'd have another come bet) and on my "off and on" wins they'd pay me in all nickels or combination of $25/$5 chips or all $25 chips depending on how well supplied I was with $5 chips ("dealing to the rack" in the lingo).
First session I bet $5 each on the repeater 9 and repeater 10. Both came in this session and I was off to the races.
Changed for dinner, had another winning craps session at Planet Hollywood and then off to dinner
Friday dinner
Went to the off-strip Herbs & Rye steakhouse. My friends and I went there last year and enjoyed it. This year it was a bit of a miss (the steaks weren't cooked to order / got messed up). They do have a happy hour (1/2 price steaks 5-8). With my good run in the afternoon run I covered the bill for the 4 of us (with my friends covering the tip).
Friday night
First stop - The D downtown. It was loud, busy, smoky and full of characters. 10X odds with the table minimum bumped from $10 to $15 shortly after I arrived. I got stung here and gave back a chunk, but not all of my afternoon winnings.
Second stop - Binions. Played at the "Cowgirls" table near the doors (Cowgirls = scantily clad female dealers, like at Blackjack tables at the pleasure pits of other casinos). Dealers are inexperienced, but I did remember one dealer from last year who knew her stuff. $15, minimum and 5 X odds. Had a nice win here.
Third stop - Linq. Met up with friends who came in on a later flight. Found a $15 table. Bought in for $500 ... choppy table, got the dice ... down to the felt and found myself reaching into the wallet for another $100 so I could bet odds .... and then got on a great run (as the shooter)! Eventually got my odds to the maximum and then got $25 come bets out there with max odds too. I had $5 each on the All-Tall-Small and I had all the spots filled up except the 2-12 for what seemed like a dozen rolls. After the inevitable 7-out, I cashed out $1500 and called it a night.
For the $15 games Friday night at all casinos my advice is to pack your patience, enjoy the scenery (Linq and D have go-go dancers), kibbutz with your friends and drink your complimentary adult beverage. The tables are busy, some players are inexperienced, some dealers are on the new side too, it's hard to hear the dealers (and vice-versa) and there is lots of irregular action (small mid-roll buy-ins, hands in the table when the dice are out, etc.).
Saturday afternoon
Had lunch at YOLO's (Mexican restaurant at Planet Hollywood). Played at Planet Hollywood (lowest min was $25)
Used my $150 in free play at Blackjack and lost six consecutive hands. (Why I didn't use my free play at craps is a mystery, even to me).
Got my losing Super Bowl bets in.
Had a nice win before lunch at craps - gave much of that back after lunch.
After a break, Round 3 to me, though .... $25 table, got the dice and had a nice monster roll. Again I had $5 each on the 9-10 repeater bets and they came in 2-3 times. I got my pass line up to $75 with odds and made my point (collecting $525). My pass line bet progression is patient so I figure I may have made 5-6 points (1-2 points with $25 pass line, 1 point with $30 pass line, 1 point with $40 pass line, 1 point with $50 pass line and 1 point with $75 pass line). Once my pass line got to $30, I had $25 come bets going and once my pass line got to $75 I had $50 come bets going.
Two guys next to me bought in for $200 and coloured up $2000+ each. I also had a big win.
With no boxmen at the table there was a 5 minute delay as they had to wait for a supervisor to become available to approve the chips the players were colouring up.
Saturday evening / show / dinner / night
I had tickets to Absinthe at 8pm, so headed down to Caesars Palace for around 5 PM to pick up my tickets. Caesars Palace was, well, Caesars Palace. The $25 tables were jammed up like a $5 game downtown, the $50 tables were busy and they even had a $100 table open. It was a big win just to find an open spot at a $25 table.
The vibe at Caesars is money. Money. Money. Money. Lots of action and well-heeled gamblers. Even the dealers - one craps dealer at my table, with his slicked back mane of silver hair and gold necklace-pinky rings-gold watch looked like the Central Casting prototype for an old-school Vegas dealer.
Escaped with a small win. Then - in another big win - my friend and I were able to find a spot at a bar for a pre-show cocktail. Caesars was hopping.
Absinthe was great! Highly recommended. Amazing acrobats/performers in an intimate setting. Raunchy, offensive and hilarious comedy bits from the MC and his assistant. Plus the sexy Green Faerie.
Dinner was at Hell's Kitchen: Highly recommended. I had the lobster risotto and the crispy-skin salmon.
After dinner, found a $15 table at the Linq and had a decent win.
Super Bowl Sunday
Planet Hollywood minimums were $50 before breakfast. Went to Paris (Mon Ami Gabi) for breakfast and found $25 and $15 tables at the Flamingo.
The $15 table was jammed so we played at $25 .... and hit the All-Tall-Small with 5$ on each. Ka-Ching! Migrated to the $15 table when spots opened up. At the $15 table, things were up and down (mostly down) ... I had a nice roll that got me mostly back to where I was when I left the $25 table - I hit the small (with $5 on it), 2 hard sixes ($15 and after $10 pressure a $25) and multiple points (I had my line bet up to $30 and had it hit).
I had a nice win at the Flamingo for my 3 hours of play (10 AM-1 PM), but my total win was less than what the bonus bets paid out. The bonus bets saved my session!
Went to Blondies (in the Miracle Mile mall at Planet Hollywood) for the Super Bowl watch party. Blondies is a sports bar with a well-executed attractive women serving cold beer business model. This has been my friends go-to party for years ($200, open bar, buffet, etc.). I won the halftime squares (Pats 3, Rams 0) for $1000. Then, a guy I met at this party last year, said "tiskertasker89, you have the 3-0 square, i have the 3-3 square lets split our interests for the 3rd quarter and final". I agreed, and the 3-3 squares came in both times and I collected another ~$1000.
Flush with cash and booze I played the $50 tables at Planet Hollywood after the game. A new experience for me. It worked out. After some choppiness, I got on (reportedly - based on a dealers comment - a 40 minute run). (I was more focused on having to the bathroom than shooting). I almost doubled my buy-in, took a break (met up with my friends at the Planet Hollywood centre bar) ... took another shot at a $50 table and dropped 1/2 my winnings in ... seconds?? ... called it a night and ended with a respectable win for my first time playing $50 minimums.
Monday
Didn't play on Monday - didn't want to tempt fate. This trip, I only lost at one casino and barely had a losing session. Breakfast at the Cafe in Planet Hollywood, bought souvenirs, got a 20 minute massage at the mall kiosk. The equivalent of the football kneel-down to run out the clock.
​
Other quick hits
At the $50 minimum table at Planet Hollywood they didn’t let me bet less than $50 odds …(I was planning on $30 on 4/10, $40 on 5/9 and $50 on 6/8) ... The base dealer – who had initially set up my bets before the stick said “Hey, it’s a $50 game” – gave me a knowing look and said “the Rio -which is owned by the same company – would let you do it”. After no odds for a few rolls, I eventually took single odds on all my pass line and come bets.
At the Linq after a point of 5 or 9 was made I said to the dealer “Oops – sorry - I’ve over-bet my odds”. I had a $15 line bet with $80 odds. I was expecting them to hand back my extra $20 – instead they set up the over-bet as a place bet and paid it. I thought this was generous of them (Although, I guess I’m assuming that on a losing wager in this situation they wouldn’t take the odds over-bet).
For the “you can trust the rating system” file, after my cashing in my chips following my Sunday session at the Flamingo I asked the supervisor what my average bet was and how long I played. She said – “I’ve already closed you out. Let me check. You’re Kenny, right?”. Ummm, no. I'm tiskertasker98 ... In fairness, there was a shift change during my play … but still
On Saturday, my friend – who is a Diamond player but somewhat new to craps - hit a repeater bet and didn’t realize it didn’t stay up. I was playing at a different table. The crew didn’t remind him that his repeater bet came down. Of course, the repeater hit again and he thought he was on it. For the “all well that end’s well file”, though, my friend did hit 2 repeater 8’s on his last craps session of the trip on Monday morning.
A few times, dealers were tripped up by $15 come bets with $30 odds on the 4/10, $40 odds on the 5/9 and $50 odds on 6/8…. To me this is bread and butter craps … full Double Odds and all bets pay $75 …Anyways, no big deal, the underpayments were easily corrected and the overpayments somehow got overlooked.
A nice zinger: Good-guy craps player at the Flamingo (he had an all-day $1 hard six for the crew) got thanked for his crew-wager and said "No THANK YOU. You dealers are the hardest working guys in Vegas. Although, if I'm with an all-female crew I have to say you dealers are the SECOND hardest working girls in Vegas".

I just got back and a friend who is taking the exact same cruise and is also cost conscious asked me to give him all my lessons learned. I figured you all might benefit even if some of this information isn't strictly about cruising. I'm going to ask my travel companions to review it (first time in Hawaii and first time cruising) to see if they have anything to add.

Getting There And Getting Around

Air Fare
With Southwest now offering tickets to Hawaii, I expect the competitive market to drop prices across the board but unless you are fortunate enough to live on the west coast in a city with flights that fly direct, air fare can be pricey. I had to get 4 people there round-trip (2 from rural Maine, 1 from Louisville Kentucky and 1 from the Baltimore/D.C. area). I ended up signing up for the Chase Sapphire credit card (annual fee waived for the first year) and the Alaska Airlines credit card that gave me a buy one/take one sign up offer. My total air fare cost was $2400. Besides the credit card, there was no secret other than monitoring the prices as far in advance as possible to see what typical prices are and then striking when there was a decent sale. I would also mention following Scott's Cheap Flights on the off chance a deal becomes available for when you were already planning on traveling.
Ground Transportation
We flew into Waikiki on Tuesday (cruise started on Saturday) so I got a rental car through Autoslash. The total cost for a mid-size for 4 days was $176 and ended up being from Alamo. While I feel this was a good deal as I had four people, if you're not 100% sure you will need it - you can probably get by with an Uber, taxi or even a hop on/off bus (see excursions later). Many excursions had an option for hotel pickup/drop-off.
Probably the best deal I found was Star Taxi which only charged $25 for up to 4 people one-way to/from the cruise terminal and not much more for other locations. Call 1 hour before you need the service.
Parking
Parking is EXPENSIVE so be sure to do a lot of research if you plan on renting a vehicle.

Oahu

General In your mind, you have this idea of what Hawaii is going to be like. Oahu (specifically Honolulu/Waikiki) is not it. It is very over developed and crowded. Many places are run-down because investors have purchased the property but have chosen to wait until conditions are more favorable to develop. There is a very large homeless population in Hawaii overall but I was shocked by the number of shanty towns and abandoned vehicles doubling as homes I saw on Oahu.
Excursions

• Snorkel-Cruise-Swim-Dolphins-Turtles - highly recommended (hint: This excursion may be cheaper directly with the vendor Dolphins And You - if you buy the photos, you will have to go to their Waikiki office later to pick them up and they will offer you a 10% discount on merchandise at that time).
• Shark Dive - Unfortunately, this tour got canceled due to weather so I can't comment on it. Since it is on the north shore, the plan was to do an early morning adventure (when the water is calmest) and then spend the rest of the time exploring the beaches and surfers. (hints: You may be able to get this cheaper directly with the vendor North Shore Shark Adventures and if you drive, take one way to get there and another way to get back so you can experience more of the island).
• Sunset Cruise & Show - The people I was going with had never cruised before so this was to get their feet wet so to speak. It was nice but not spectacular. You may be able to get it cheaper directly through the vendor Star Of Honolulu. On Fridays, they offer an extra hour for a nominal fee upgrade which includes fireworks. I didn't see the fireworks myself but several people I talked to said they are put on by a hotel and aren't anything special. (hint: If you drive, they will validate your parking ticket and parking will only be $4 instead of $18).
• Waikiki Trolley Hop-On Hop-Off You can trade time for money and if you have time, this would be a much more cost effective solution to getting around and is very configurable (how many days of use, how many different lines, etc.)
• Polynesian Culture Center - I had the Ambassador Luau Package With Circle Island Tour of Oahu. Pickup was at 8:30 in the morning and drop off wasn't until after 10 PM so it is a long day. If you do this one I have several recommendations. First, take it early in the trip because it includes a multi-day pass so you can go back at no charge for 3 more days and the Circle Island tour allows you to see some areas you may want to explore on your own. Second, you don't get food until 6 PM so be sure to eat breakfast first and plan the rest of the time accordingly (bring snacks for instance). The only thing I was disappointed in was the Diamond Head didn't actually drive up to the crater. Update After the initial post, I was reminded by mashel2811 of a few things. The PCC is Mormon owned/operated which has pros/cons. On the downside, there is no alcohol on-site and things overall tend on the conservative side. Not that I have an issue with that but if you're looking for authenticity then this would represent Polynesia post Christian missionaries. On the upside, it is a huge facility that truly will allow you to experience many of the cultures besides just Hawaii. Also, regardless of how you feel about religion, the money taken in from PCC helps to sponsor many students education from all over Polynesia. I had nothing to compare the luau to but I have heard from several other people that there are much better options (the luau at PCC is optional). The Breath Of Life was awesome.
• Pearl Harbor (see the end of the cruise excursions)

Recommendations/Notes

• You probably want a beach other than Waikiki due to the number of people - Hanauma Bay looked awesome. If you do decide to stay in Waikiki, walking the coastline towards Diamond Head is a better choice for the beach instead of around all the hotels. This is because in Hawaii, beach access and water is considered a public service (free)
• What is and isn't expensive didn't make any sense. Eggs imported from the mainland were cheaper than eggs from Hawaii despite chickens EVERYWHERE but I was able to get a large jar of peanut butter for $1.89. The best place I found for groceries was Don Quijote and it had a free parking garage.
• Souvenirs were much cheaper on other islands
• It rains - almost daily - but not for long - don't let it fool you - WEAR sunscreen of at least SP50
• Hydrate more than usual - especially if you're drinking beer like me
• Updates From original post below
• You can get insanely discounted Pearl Harbor tickets from recreation.gov but they sell out in 5 minutes. Exactly 7am Hawaii time they sell tickets for the next day or for 2 months out. Nothing in between. I recommend having 2-3 people trying it simultaneous for different time slots. The early tickets sell faster. Then the bus ride anywhere is $2.50 each. When you board the bus ask for a transfer ticket. The transfer ticket is good for two more rides for the next 2.5 hours. If you get out of PH within the time slot you can ride back for free.
• There's a stand near Breakout Waikiki that is a hard sell timeshare sales pitch (couples only). If you're willing to sit through it, they give you $150 towards an excursion or a free meal and a $120 Visa gift card (as of March 2019). If you want the exact location, message me.
• You may think being a Costco member will help you out on expenses and you're probably right but know that the busiest Costco in the world is on Oahu and they claim 1 in 4 people have membership so plan accordingly (think shopping for the latest toy on Christmas Eve)

Pride Of America

I have to be honest, this was hands down the most expensive cruise I have taken and it was the worst cruise ship. I had a great time but there was a lot left to be desired.

• Entertainment was very underwhelming - I believe unlike other mass-market cruise lines, NCL's entertainers are on multi-month contracts just like other staff. This tends to be bad for entertainers like comedians (how many different sets can they have prepared) but should be better for magicians (you shouldn't have to rely on the suitcase you get through security at the airport). I have seen a Vegas quality magic show on NCL before (Norwegian Spirit last November) but this act was honestly no better than a birthday party. I could go on but I will summarize it as this: On Carnival, I struggle deciding what I am going to do because of so many good things where as on this ship, I struggled to find anything I actually wanted to do.
• Beer prices were outrageous and included a mandatory 20% gratuity and since you spend a LOT of time in port, taxes too. In each port, I found a better selection of beer right off the ship for at least 20 - 30% cheaper than on the ship. If you do drink on the ship however, I highly recommend the Gold Rush Saloon as it has a couple of beers on tap you can't get anywhere else. It has a self-serve popcorn machine and is adjacent to the buffet so you can get self-serve ice cream too.
• The food was mediocre (main dining quality was about the same as the buffet which was good but not great). I didn't spend the money to try any of the specialty dining.

Update: One thing that really stood out as being a good thing is that the room had 3 US standard outlets!!!
Why Does It Cost So Much

• There is no casino to subsidize the fare cost
• It is a US Flag cruise ship which means it has to abide by US labor laws (this is an indirect result of the Jones Act as it doesn't travel to any foreign ports)
• Hawaii not only has a sales tax but a tourist imposed General Excise Tax which of course NCL passes on to you
• Exclusivity - unless you want an extremely sea day intense cruise from California, around Hawaii, to Mexico and then back to California (or similar) cruise - they're the only show in town

Hint: You should get the NCL Mobile App. It includes dinner reservations, account charges, dinner reservations, deck plans, passenger to passenger chat for an additional fee ($10 vs Carnival's $5) and other nifty features.
Observations
I was astounded by the number of first time cruisers I saw (based on their ship card color). Because so many of the employees were American, I was also surprised by how many told me that they were on their first contract and wouldn't be back. The people (both employees and passengers) were incredibly friendly and most everyone seemed to be having a good time. I didn't see long lines at guest services. I mentioned earlier how this was the worst ship I had been on - and, while true, shouldn't give you the impression that I didn't have a great time. For my traveling companions, they had nothing to compare it to and other than the entertainment - they had no complaints at all and loved it.

Day 1 & 2 Maui (overnight)

If you have ever been on a Caribbean cruise and you didn't feel like paying for an expensive excursion you could always just walk off the ship and go to a beach or a shopping district or a friendly bar - something. This is not the case in Maui. Where the Pride Of America docks there is absolutely nothing (it took 10 minutes to walk out of the port with chained link fence on both sides only to end up about another 10 minutes away from a strip mall). I do want to point out that the strip mall did have a few artisans selling things out on the sidewalk but this was far from what you will be used to at other locations.
So what to do instead?

• Rent a car if you want to go on your own - day rentals are common and you will be in port overnight. You will have to do your own research as to what to do as I booked excursions for both days
• Go up to Haleakala Crater for sunset or sunrise. I went for sunset as sunrise required leaving the ship at 3 AM. I can't stress how amazing this sunset was at nearly 2 miles above sea level. If you go, take plenty of warm (think Maine winter) cold. It was 44 degrees without the windchill when we arrived at around 5 PM (still sunny) and the temperature dropped significantly by the end of the sunset (around 6:40 for us but varies based on time of year).
• Road To Hana - I didn't take this excursion but it is extremely popular. Most guests I spoke with said they absolutely loved it though a few called it the road to hell (it's an all day excursion)
• Maui Northshore & Waterfall Walk - This is the one I took because it was rated as "easy" and one of my traveling companions has mobility issues. There is an alternative called Waterfall Hike that you may want to consider. This was a great excursion which took you into a historical town for lunch (delicious) and gave you some free time to explore the artisans (glass blowing, jewelry making, etc.) before taking you to the private access Wailele Farm. The waterfalls you can walk to (as opposed to hike to) were not breathtaking but overall the plants and flowers here were amazing. You will get an opportunity to eat many of the things you encounter so if you're feeling adventures, give it a try.
• Choose another of NCL's Excursions
• Choose something from Viator

Day 3 Hilo Hawaii

This is the first of two days on the island of Hawaii and it is on the eastern (very wet) side of the island. Normally doing two excursions in one day is a not recommended. I would make an exception here because the Botanical Gardens are not to be missed. It is a short excursion (2.5 hours), is relatively inexpensive (you can even do it on your own) and is offered at multiple times allowing you to get another excursion in.
Recommendations

• The Botanical Gardens - either through NCL or directly with Hawaii Tropical Botanical Garden - they have social media as well if you have questions. Tip: One of my traveling companions said walk through twice - once looking down and once looking up because there is just so much to see.
• Go zip-lining. I happened to choose Zipline Through Paradise as it had a tandem/parallel course (you got to zip at the same time as someone else). You can even hold hands on one line for a very special photo. You may even want to book directly with Kapohokine
• Choose one of NCL's excusions
• Choose one of Viator's options

Day 4 Kona Hawaii

The other side of the island is a stark contrast to Hilo as it is dry/desert climate. It is the only tender port on the cruise. Unfortunately, we didn't fare very well here on excursions but shopping and beer was good.
It has been on my bucket list to be in a real submarine and go over 100 feet to below the surface to the ocean floor. That's what 3 of us did here in Kona and while I am glad that I can now say I have done it (105'), the experience itself was underwhelming. To not interfere with the wildlife, the sub doesn't use any artificial lights nor does anything to attract the fish to your windows. This means almost everything is a monochrome blue (the color red doesn't exist at this depth for instance). It's also nearly impossible to get nice photos out the windows even though they are clear enough - just not the right conditions. Now, I met a guest back on the ship that said he had a phenomenal time on a sub that wasn't sponsored through NCL but I'm not sure what it was.
The other guest in my party decided to go on the Gold Coast & Cloud Forest excursion and was also not impressed. The gold supposedly comes from the Hawaii state fish (yellow trigger fish also known as humuhumunukunukuāpuaʻa) but apparently they haven't been plentiful enough to turn the coast gold for years. She also said if she was a coffee drinker, she probably would have enjoyed it more (they are famous for their coffee).
Recommendations

• If you would like to buy coffee at a discount, a tour guide let me in on a little secret. To be called Kona Coffee it has to indicate what percentage is from Kona (i.e. 100%). Well, geography being what it is, the line between Kona and the region to south is arbitrary (created by humans) so buying coffee labeled just across the boarder (I forget the name of the place - I don't drink coffee) is 25% cheaper
• If you want to see the pretty coral and reefs, consider a glass bottom boat ride. The bartender I chatted with told me that she used to work on the sub and a much more beautiful experience was the glass bottom boats.
• Normally, the closer to port you are the more expensive things are - like souvenirs. That may in fact be the case in Kona but I found the prices at Whalers General Store to be very competitively priced. Many of the same items I saw at stops before here were at least 20% cheaper.
• Have a drink or 6 at Paradise Brewing Company. I was fed up with the prices on the ship so I checked this place out (there was another one further up the street with a fairly large beer menu as well but they weren't very friendly so I moved on. I sat in here for hours (was one of the last tender boats back to the ship). It was extremely friendly - the beer was good, the food was good - I would definitely recommend.
• Take an NCL excursion
• Take a Viator option

Day 5 & 6 Kauai (Overnight)

Remember how I said you have this ideal image in your head of what Hawaii is and Oahu doesn't meet it. Kauai exceeds it - I fell in love and if I ever go back, I will just fly directly here and stay on this island - it is that good.
I am not going to suggest you do anything other than exactly what I did because I couldn't possibly imagine having a better time.
Recommendations

• Day 1 - Best Of Kauai. I have no idea if a similar excursion can be booked elsewhere because it included 5 stops (Waimea canyon, Spouting Horn Park, Keoki's Paradise for lunch, Opaekaa Falls and Wailua River Fern Grotto). If you want to "build your own", just go to Waimea canyon and dine at Keoki's Paradise as they were the highlights of the day. If you are into photography and have gotten tired of lugging all of your lenses around, today is the day to have it all at the ready.
• Day 2 - Mokihana Helicopter - There are no words to describe how amazing this was. I did discover that can get it substantially cheaper directly with Blue Hawaiian Helicopter Tours.

Now, there's more to the story than just these two excursions. First, since you're overnight you can stay out as late as you want. I asked our tour guide where an affordable place to get good beer close to the ship was. She recommended The Nawiliwili Tavern (or just the Tavern). It happens to be a 2 minute walk from one of the free shuttle stops and they have great pizza, beer and pool. Secret I learned this is also where a lot of the crew from the ship hang out after they get off at 9PM so if you want to have a real conversation and ask real questions - this is the place to do it. Once the bartender realized I was into craft beer and trying all they had, she told me about a brew pub not too far up the road that I really wanted to try but ran out of time.

Napali Coast (still day 6)

The cruise ship leaves port early (circa 2PM) and instead of heading to Honolulu backtracks around Kauai. There is a portion of the island that's only reachable by air (helicopter) or by sea (cruise ship) and I was fortunate enough to do both. Actually, our pilot said that a few of the beaches can be reached by a hiking 11+ miles but it isn't an easy hike. In any event, this is where the opening scenes of Jurassic Park were filmed if I remember correctly - utterly gorgeous. My pilot also let me in on a little secret - that the captain times the cruise ship to sunset when the coast is all lit up in spectacular colors so be out on deck with camera ready.

Day 7 - Honolulu (Pearl Harbor & City Tour)

I made a big mistake here. I booked a late flight so I could go to Pearl Harbor and then get dropped off at the airport. We had already done the Circle Island Tour and none of the other offerings were of interest. This was a mistake for two reasons.
Reason 1: Exhaustion
After having spent 5ish days in Waikiki and then taking a 7 day cruise, we were wiped out and really didn't have the stamina to really take it all in.
Recommendations

• Eat a big breakfast as this tour didn't include food
• Bring food for the tour and possibly the airport (see airport notes below)
• The cheapest place to get hot dogs at the time was at the Missouri ($6 as of March 2019)
• If you are using your phone as a camera, practice taking photos against the bus window as the city tour took you to some neat places but they didn't stop to let you off
• The tour includes the Missouri and the Arizona - everything else is additional
• At the time of this writing, the Arizona was still under repair so you only took a boat close. You will be watching a very emotionally moving video before the boat ride so sit as close to the exit doors (front left) as you can so that when it's over you can pick one of the corners of the boat to get unobstructed photos from - they don't allow you to stand up and they don't play. Oh, and if you are sensitive to loud noises - when the bomb actually drops on the Arizona it is about 10 times louder than the rest of the film so be prepared
• Our guide got tickets for the Arizona at 2:15 PM, helped us navigate the shuttle over to the Missouri and told us he would see us at the bus 3:30 PM. If you're not comfortable navigating on your own then this is probably not the tour for you
• It's only 5 minutes from the airport so if you want to stay longer because of a late flight it would be fast/cheap to go on your own - just ask to get your luggage off the bus

Reason 2: Airport
If you have a late flight home, I'm sorry. All of your checked bags have to be screened by agriculture (certain plants are not allowed to leave the state) which is airline specific and unless that airline is running flights all day (looking at you Alaska), then you will have to wait for them to open before you can even check in. While you wait, there is essentially no place to eat (Starbucks and a bar that serves hot dogs for $12.50 - yes, $12.50). I recommend you keep some food with you for this reason. They do offer a baggage hold service but the prices were ridiculous (4 checked bags for 24 hours was $100). Sorry if it seems like I am whining - it was the end of a long trip and I was returning to reality.

Update: Viator

In this post, I have provided a number of links to NCL's excursions, directly to the vendor and also to Viator. Viator is part of Tripadvisor and generally speaking, you can trust the reviews. On most of the bookings, you can cancel for a full refund up to 24 hours in advance. They are competitively priced and you can usually get a discount. For instance, new customers will get offered a 10% discount off their first purchase. Companies like Ebates and TopCashBack will offer an additional 3 to 6% cash back as well. Use a credit card that gives back 2-4% on travel and it can really reduce the price. I haven't had too much trouble figuring out what vendor was being used through Viator so you could just book with them direct too and just use them as a way to find fun things to do and use the reviews to distinguish between what's good and what's not.