Honorable Mentions - Abram, Dan S., Jamie, Mike M., Theo V., Turbo, Wes
No. 10 - Alton Williams (Real World: Las Vegas)
No. 9 - Mark Long (Road Rules: USA - The First Adventure)
No. 8 - Darrell Taylor (Road Rules: Campus Crawl)
No. 7 - Derrick Kosinski (Road Rules: X-Treme)
No. 6 - Kenny Santucci (Fresh Meat)
No. 5 - Evan Starkman (Fresh Meat)
No. 4 - C.T. Tamburello (Real World: Paris)
No. 3 - Jordan Wiseley (Real World: Portland)
 
Rivals II Jordan lets us know he has a date with destiny.
 
Jordan was paired up with Marlon for his rookie season. They were the 3rd best team this season after CT/Wes and Frank/Johnny. Throughout the season, on a few occasions, other teams referred to them as “the rookies who are good at everything”.
 
Jordan/Marlon won one mission in the early stages of R2. Stumped, the solo mission that Jordan/Marlon won was based around intelligence and strategy. Jordan winning just the fourth mission into his Challenge career that involved wits against experienced opposition such as CT, Wes, and Johnny lets us know Jordan is someone to look out for.
 
Jordan/Marlon also become victorious in the last two male eliminations of the season against Leroy/Ty and Knight/Preston, to acquire a deserving position in the final challenge. They get third place in the finals due to Marlon holding them back because of his poor swimming and arriving to the elimination stage last.
 
Jordan bounces back from Sophomore Slump (Free Agents) with Exes II win.
 
Jordan’s second season, Free Agents, was an unmemorable experience. He performed poorly and didn’t live up to his expectations after having a phenomenal rookie season on Rivals II. Exes II is where we find out Jordan actually has enough bite to back up his humongous bark.
 
“The Wonder Twins” Jordan/Sarah won three missions (On Again Off Again, Wrecking Ball, Don’t Let Me Down) and thanks to T.J. letting us know who falls short of first every mission, we know that Jordan/Sarah got second place in three other missions (Open Arms, The Brush Off, and Are You The One?). They land in the top 2 for six out of ten missions.
 
Jordan/Sarah also won one of the final eliminations of the season. They beat Zach/Jonna where Jordan puts up his best single competitive performance yet (which I delve into further later in this assessment).
 
Jordan owned the Exes 2 final challenge. Jordan showed us he can do the following things: run forever without looking tired one bit, kayak (Leroy and Theresa struggled here), unscramble word puzzles, eat inhumane foods without looking bothered (Jay and Jenna quit because the eating phase was too much), and climb up mountains. Everyone besides Jordan showed signs of major fatigue or struggle in the final challenge, even his partner Sarah who kept holding back their pace multiple times. Jordan’s final challenge performance earned him his first championship.
 
Jordan’s political-social game is problematic, but he still somehow managed to win three times in six tries.
 
On Free Agents, had Jordan never volunteered himself into elimination against J.B., there’s a high chance he sees the final that season. Jordan was aligned with Zach, Reilly, and the most powerful female in the game, Laurel. He was in a comfortable position, but he couldn’t sit still. His ego took over because he wanted to prove a point to Bananas that he was better than him, and he failed miserably. However, this is only one of two times where his unideal political decision making has eliminated him from the game. In fact, Jordan’s unideal social-political game has gotten him to four of six finals and three career wins. Jordan’s social-political game and his winning success is best described as an anomaly.
 
On D30, although never explicitly mentioned, there was definitely some sort of pact between the top dog veterans in the house (Jordan, Bananas, CT, Derrick, and Leroy) early in the game. The only people who were being targeted the first few weeks were Cory, Hunter, and Nelson. Jordan had no business getting voted into the third elimination of D30, but his personality and actions rubbed people the wrong way. Early in the season, Jordan got into a rap battle with Jemmye and jokes about her having down syndrome. Just like you would expect, the house takes offense to this and sends him straight into the presidio. Luckily, Jordan’s competitive abilities allowed him to survive the elimination...and the rest of the season in which he eventually wins…
 
Jordan’s problematic political game becomes the center of attention again on Total Madness. If Bananas had greater mutual respect for Jordan, there’s no way Jordan would’ve got thrown to the wolves vs. Fessy in a game he didn’t stand a single chance in (Pole Wrestle). If Jordan wasn’t such an asshole to Wes in the bunker, then maybe, just maybe, Wes has enough human decency in him to spare him his livelihood. Jordan’s inability to handle house politics well with these two other time greats on Total Madness cost him any chance of ever winning that season.
 
Jordan’s All-Time Great Mental Strength.
 
Out of everyone in challenge history, is there anyone who’s more confident in their self-abilities than Jordan ever? The answer is no. Case and point: Jordan thought it would be a clever idea to take part in the draw and volunteer himself into an elimination against Johnny Bananas, who was a 4 time champ at the time of FA. When arriving to the elimination arena, the game was Wrecking Wall a.k.a. the only elimination Jordan was going to suffer a major disadvantage in due to having only one hand. Jordan could’ve had a change of heart, but nope, Jordan thought he actually could beat Bananas. Jordan continued on with his plan and flipped over all the cards and Bananas came out on top. At the time, we thought Jordan was delusional because it was just his second challenge and he had a quarter of the grand competitive resume he has built today. Here’s a hot take: If Bananas and Jordan were to replay that elimination game again, Jordan potentially wins. This time he doesn’t slip and climbs up the wall, no problems. The Jordan we know now has shown us that he’s capable of anything. Jordan is just that elite of a competitor. He’s 8-2 in eliminations for a reason.
 
Other times Jordan has volunteered into elimination, like the two times he volunteered to go in on War of the Worlds II, Jordan was mentally prepared and because of that, he prospered. There’s just something endearing about seeing Jordan be absolutely fearless of eliminations. Especially, because most other elite Challenge competitors do not share a similar mindset. Evan, for example, mentally breaks down when his name is called down into elimination. Evan has lost two eliminations because of weak mental preparedness (v. CT on the Duel, and v. CT/Adam in Rivals). Evan’s two elimination losses is concrete proof that having bad mental strength before and/or during an elimination can be the sole reason you lose it, whereas Jordan and his 8-2 record proves that having a indestructible mental strength and preparedness before the elimination gives you got a great shot at winning.
 
Three of Jordan’s eight elimination wins are because of his All-Time Great Speed and Quickness.
 
Jordan/Marlon eliminated Ty/Leroy in Last Chance. Last Chance was a physical team game where offensive players had to run towards the middle of a hall and ring the bell on the other side. Defensive players, positioned in the middle of hall, had to keep the opponents’ offensive player from reaching the bell on their side. Jordan/Marlon went into the elimination as underdogs considering Leroy/Ty had a collective size advantage, but Jordan’s speed/quickness helped them prevail. Here’s a play-by-play of that elimination: In the first round, offensive players Ty and Jordan crashed and met one another closer to Ty’s bell, but Jordan still got to his bell before Ty did. Jordan looked like he shot out of a rocket. He and Marlon got the first point. In the second round: Leroy captured Jordan and Ty got to the bell first. Leroy and Ty tied it up. In the third round: Marlon had Ty tied down to the floor right near the bell. All Leroy had to do was tackle Jordan to the floor to give Ty a fighting chance. Leroy tried to, but Jordan did a 360 spin move to get himself loose from Leroy and shot straight towards the bell scoring the second point to win the game for him and Marlon.
 
Jordan eliminated Swift in Looper (Free Agents). This actually ends up being one of the shortest eliminations ever, because Jordan’s quickness was too much for Swift to handle (what a paradox). Jordan ran around the two posts, reached and rang his bell in the matter of maybe 15 seconds. I’m not exaggerating here.
 
Jordan blew out Shane in Crazy 8 (Vendettas). Crazy 8 was a physical elimination game in which players had to race for a figure 8 shaped ring positioned in the center of the eliminator floor and bring it back to their side. It was a best of two-out-of-three wins. The game never turned physical. Why? Because, in both the first two rounds, Jordan got to the ring first. Then when he got possession of it, Shane couldn’t even put his hands on him. Jordan was too quick to even be touched.
 
Four of Jordan’s elimination wins are because he’s more smarter, more skilled, and more strategic than his opponents.
 
Jordan defeated Zach in Hammer It Home (Exes II), a game where teams had to use a sledge hammer to advance an eye beam from one end of a track to another, where a bell is located; first team to ring the bell with their beam won the elimination. Exes II Zach resembled Thor. Upon seeing this elimination, we all thought Zach was going to smoke Jordan, but we were wrong. It was evident that Challenge Thor had never ever done manual labor in his life. Jordan swung the hammer with perfect form. Zach’s form was sloppy and his hammer was slamming all over the place.
 
Jordan eliminated Josh in End of The Rope (WOTWII). I think we all have a fond memory of what happened in this one. It was an absolute clinic of strategy trumping size. In a game of tug of war, Jordan took out his bag of magic tricks and outsmarted the bigger Josh three out of three rounds to win. C.T., who was watching from the sidelines, went on to call it the most impressive elimination performance he’s ever seen in his fifteen plus years of doing the Challenge. I don’t disagree with him.
 
Jordan eliminated Theo in Under The Hammer (WOTWII). Jordan found himself in another sledgehammer elimination again. Theo didn’t resemble Thor, but Theo was 4-0 in eliminations up until this point and arguably Team U.K.’s best competitor, so Jordan had his work cut out for him. The goal of the Under The Hammer was to hammer 12 nails through concrete and smash the lightbulbs underneath; first player to smash all 12 lightbulbs won the elimination. When the elimination went underway, Theo got off to an early lead. He uses just his arms/shortens his swing, which seemed to work in the beginning, but his energy began to fade. Jordan’s technique of leveraging his entire arm and body for greater torque ended up becoming the winning strategy.
 
Jordan defeated Ammo in Striptease (D30), a blindfolded contest where players had to rip patches off their opponent to win. This elimination was a complete crapshoot and Jordan still somehow incorporated a brilliant strategy to win. Jordan played the better offense between him and Ammo by getting in back of him and wrestling him to the ground to grab patches off his uniform. On defense, Jordan did all types of crazy flips and rollovers. This defensive approach worked perfectly as Ammo struggled to locate Jordan’s body parts to yank patches off of him. Jordan demonstrated that he’s always strategically thinking, and used his wrestling background to elevate his chances of winning in a blindfold contest.
 
Jordan is hands down the second greatest swimmer in Challenge history, after Wes.
 
Jordan has a long history of ATG swimming mission performances (Swingers, On Again Off Again, Open Arms, Cryptic Crossbow, Hooked, and Puzzling Swim).
 
On Again Off Again and Open Arms were essentially the same type of mission. Both Exes II missions started off with being on a moving platform that’s on a zip line above water and pairs had to jump off the moving platform once it got to the bottom, and they had to swim around a buoy and back to shore, and then, finally ring a bell to stop their time; Fastest time won. Jordan came in first for On Again, Off Again beating the fastest male and female swimmers Wes/Theresa and came in 2nd place to Wes/Theresa on Open Arms, by just one second. Jordan’s swimming was on par with Wes, who is essentially Aquaman of the Challenge.
 
Jordan Wiseley’s Flu game.
 
Jordan’s opponents in the Dirty 30 finale were CT and Derrick. On paper, this is easily the most competitive individual male final ever (with Duel II coming in second). However, competitive was far from what occurred. It was nowhere near close. Jordan haters may argue CT and Derrick were out of their prime, and it’s for that reason they couldn’t keep up with Jordan’s rapid pace. While that is indeed true, Inferno 2 CT and Gauntlet 2 Derrick could’ve time travelled to the future and replaced themselves at the Dirty 30 finale, Jordan still would’ve came out ahead. Jordan’s a gazelle; Derrick and CT, even in their best days have never displayed long distance stamina equal to his.
 
What makes Jordan’s Dirty Thirty final performance even more phenomenal was the skydiving incident. Jordan crash landed at the beginning of the final, because his skydiving instructor was inept at his job and didn’t start up the parachute on time. As a result, the instructor broke his leg and Jordan almost did too. Jordan actually himself has said he suffered a leg fracture from it. Yet, he still went on to compete in the final and win. I do find it hard to believe that he did have a leg fracture (especially when you take into consideration the way he was running in the final). At the very least, he must’ve had cuts and bruises seeing how gruesome the landing was. Either way, Jordan gets a lot of credit here for putting on such a dominant performance after almost losing a whole leg or potentially his life.
 
Jordan’s Dirty Thirty finals performance, in my opinion, is the closest thing to Michael Jordan’s flu game in Challenge terms. Dirty Thirty is the longest, most drawn out, strenuous season there’s ever been with one of the more competitive male casts in challenge history; Jordan being crowned the winner of D30 while having a potential leg fracture in the finals further proves my statement earlier that Jordan’s mental strength is made of steel.
 
Jordan’s Legacy will continue to grow.
 
Jordan is an exception to the underlying theme in this list: all the all-time greats I mentioned are either retired (Alton, Mark, Theo, etc.) or on their last leg (Bananas and C.T.). Their legacies are completed. Jordan’s is still growing. Jordan, unlike Bananas and C.T., is in his absolute prime. He can still go for another 10 seasons and elevate his legacy even more than what it is today (and potentially climb up the list and solidify himself as the Challenge G.O.A.T.).
 
Jordan is one of the only three triple crown champions (team, pair, and individual win) in challenge history, along with Bananas and C.T. The triple crown title is the most cardinal achievement one can attain in the Challenges as it displays a competitors ability to work well within a team, communicate well as a partner, and be capable enough to win alone. It took C.T. 16 seasons to achieve the triple crown, it took Bananas 10 seasons, and Jordan did it in 5. Jordan is light years ahead.
 
Jordan is the richest male contestant ever. He’s won $833,000 in prize money. That’s 200k more than Johnny and 300k more than C.T., and he’s competed in one-fourth of the seasons that Bananas has done (5 in comparison to 20), and one-third of the challenges C.T. has done (16).
 
Jordan’s Overall Assessment.
 
Before WOTWII, I had Jordan as my fifth best all-time (behind Bananas, C.T., Evan, and Landon). His apex performance on WOTWII moved him up two spots into my Challenge Mount Rushmore. Jordan’s political/social game comes with it’s malfunctions, and at times it’s resulted in two dud performances (FA/TM), but it also doesn’t seem to stop him from winning. Jordan’s WOTWII was a horrible political showing, but he defied all odds against him by putting on elite competitive performances. In just a six season career, Jordan has won three Challenge championships in the most toughest era to ever win.
 
Competitively speaking, Jordan has ATG mental strength, strategy, swimming, long distance running, and speed/quickness. His only true weakness is hand-to-hand combat. I don’t think Jordan has racked up too many memorable mission performances in comparison to Bananas, C.T., and Landon, but he easily has the most impressive elimination performances out of the four. In a modern day final challenge, you can’t go wrong with either him or Landon as the best finals runner of that Mount Rushmore group.
 
The battle between Jordan and C.T. for No. 3 was close. But determining who was better at every component possible was my logic and reasoning for taking Jordan over C.T. C.T. was the better overall competitor in his prime, has better mission performances and a far stronger political/social game. Jordan has greater elimination performances, is the better finals runner, has a far greater winning percentage (and finals percentage), and his championships were more valuable (C.T.’s Rivals II > Jordan’s Exes II, Jordan’s Dirty Thirty > C.T.’s Invasions, and Jordan’s WOTWII > C.T.’s WOTWII).

Felonius Gru

"Listen close, you little punk. When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain"
Hailing from a long line of Grus, Felonius is the son of Robert Gru, one of the world's greatest villains. His mother and father divorced while he was young, thus leading to them never meeting. Despite this, Gru found himself pursuing a career of villainy, one at which he was successful. As he got older, however, he began to see less and less success, eventually being given an ultimatum by the Bank of Evil. This led him to adopt three young girls, Margo, Edith, and Agnes, as part of a scheme, but he soon grew to actually care for the girls and focused on being a better parent. Some time after adopting the girls, he would be recruited by the Anti-Villain League, where he met his future wife Lucy Wilde and currently works as an agent.
Hover over the feats for the movie they're from. Feats marked with Ride come from Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem, a theme park ride of dubious canon. Credit to Proletlariet for bringing the ride to my attention and for providing links to several feats.

Physicals

Strength

• Crushes a glass in his hand.
• Flings his "dog" Kyle across the room.
• Casually kicks a trashcan a distance.
• Pries a panel off of a missile.
• Lifts and tips a large manhole cover.
• Easily carries the Shrink Ray and its container along with a Minion while running.
• One shots a shark.
• Knocks around PX-41 Minions.
• Kicks back Balthazar Bratt.
• Tosses aside metal plates.
• Forces open a trash compactor.^Ride
• Flings Vector through the ceiling of a clubhouse and high into the air
  • This feat comes from an official crossover advertisement with the soccer anime Inazuma Eleven

Durability/Endurance

Blunt

• Gets knocked out after jumping out of a low-flying vehicle.
• Gets slammed into walls and falls.
• Fine after being crushed by his shrinking ariship.
• No sells a bat to the face.
• Gets attacked by El Macho's chicken and takes a punch from Lucy.
  • Lucy can kick open a locked door and one shot multiple large men while knocking around furniture.
• Jumps out of the airship with no issues.
• Takes a punch from Vector's security system.
• Takes multiple punches from Vector's security system.
• Gets thrown by Bratt.
  • Bratt is strong enough to stab into concrete with a piece of rebar.
• Gets knocked down onto some rubble by Bratt.
• Takes a kick from Bratt.
• Gets flung far away by Vector's security system.
• Fine after being slammed into by Dru rocketing around and having him fall on him.
• Gets crushed by Vector's large door.
• Falls from high up.
• Gets hit by a reversing car.
• Fine after falling from a high height and getting hit with a shockwave from a large explosion, though he does fall into water.
• Tanks getting hit with a wrecking ball.^Ride

Other

• Rows a distance by himself.
• Tanks being chomped on by Kyle.
• Gets mauled by a shark.
• Fine after taking a flamethrower, a spiked club to the head, and blowdarts to the face.
• Ok after being hit with a bunch of explosives.
• Recovers soon after getting tased.

Speed

• Avoids buzzsaws while climbing Vector's house.
• Hides in an air vent before Vector can turn his head.
• Dodges PX-41 El Macho's attacks.
• Tags Bratt. Bratt says he was only pretending to be knocked out, but doesn't mention whether or not he let himself be hit in the first place.
• Tags Bratt again, this time without him possibly throwing.
  • Bratt was able to blitz some soldiers while dodging their shots.
• Dodges strikes from Bratt. 2
• Dodges missiles that are locked onto him.
• Outruns normal Minions and PX-41 Minons.
• Disappears into the background in the time it takes a light to flash, then returns in the time it takes another light to flash.

Agility

• Runs up one of the great pyramids of Giza to catch Vector's escape ship in a short amount of time.
• Easily scales the wreckage of Bratt's robot.
• Easily makes his way up rubble while fighting.

Skill/Misc

Villainy

• Pops a kid's balloon with his car.
• Gives a crying child a balloon animal to comfort him, then pops it in his face.
• Kills his neighbor's plants by letting his dog pee on them.
• Stole the Time Square Jumbotron.
• Stole the miniature versions of the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower from Las Vegas.
• Stole an artifact from a museum.
• As a child, stole Queen Elizabeth's crown.
• Steals the Moon.
• His father thought he was a great villain.

Intelligence

• With the help of Dr. Nefario, finds a shrink ray in a secret lab in East Asia.
• Makes beds out of old bombs.
• As a child, built a working prototype of a rocket ship.
• Alongside Dr. Nefario, builds a rocket ship out of stuff he has lying around.

Other

• Knows a bit of Spanish.
• Possibly knows some form of martial arts.
• Spins a Frisbee on his fingers and nose.
• Catches a Frisbee without looking.
• Accurately shoots shots of jelly into PX-41 Minions' mouths while leaping.
• Makes use of the bubblegum his brother is choking on to trap Bratt.
• Steals Bratt's keytar without him noticing.

Gear

Freeze Ray

• Either it or a prototype freezes Dr. Nefario's hand.
• Freezes Vector's head.
• Encases a boy in ice.
• Freezes PX-41 El Macho's arms.
• Nearly encases Gru in a block of ice.
• Either it or a prototype encases Scarlet and Herb Overkill in a block of ice.
• Encases multiple people in blocks of ice.

Shrink Ray

• The large the mass of the object, the quicker the effects of the Shrink Ray wear off.
• Shrinks mouthwash, a sink, and a toilet.
• Shrinks a Minion.
• Shrinks an elephant to be smaller than a plate.
• Shrinks Gru's Airship to be smaller than him.
• Shrinks the Moon to fit in Gru's hand.

Lasers

• A ceiling-mounted laser instantly turns Agnes' unicorn toy to ash.
• A laser gun cuts through the ceiling of a kitchen.

Fart Gun

• Knocks out PX-41 El Macho.
• Knocks out a Minion.

Lipstick Taser

• Takes down PX-41 El Macho.

Chemicals

• A bottle of acid.
• A chemical that causes whoever ingests it to explode.
• An anti-gravity serum.

Cookie Robots

• Easily climb the wall.
• Scan the entirety of Vector's house and locate the Shrink Ray upon activation.
• Override Vector's security system.
• Cut through a thick metal wall.
• Weld the wall back into place.

Other Weapons

• A mace.
• A knife.
• A rocket launcher.
• Big Blaster Cannon.
• A flamethrower.
• Dual jelly guns.
• A tank.
• A vacuum rocket.

Grumobile

• Hydraulics.
• Pretty spacious.
• Slams into and pushes around other cars with no damage to itself.
• Easily pushes around other cars.
• Checks another large car into the side of a building.

Airship

• Overview of features.
• Has an extendable arm and heat cutter that is used to break into a secret base and steal the Shrink Ray.
• Has machine guns.
• Has a grappling hook.
• Has heat-seeking missiles.
• Has two gatling guns that are modded to fire jelly.
• Capable of quick bursts of enhanced speed.
• Can still support the weight of Gru and two minons while shrunken.

Robert's Car

• Goes from 0 to 400 in 3 seconds and can survive a nuclear blast.
• It can rotate it's chassis.
• Has an array of missiles.
  • Knocks over and damages Bratt's giant robot.
• Has a grappling hook.
• Retractable spikes in the tires that allow it to drive on vertical surfices.
• Can use its booster to launch itself into the air.
• Can transform into a drill.
• Can transform into a watercraft.
• Can transform into a plane.
• Has an ejection seat.

Other Methods of Transpotation

• A jetpack and a grappling hook.
• A grappling hook.
• A motorcycle.
• Torpedo-Submarine.
• Inflatable cycle.
  • Has a powerful cannon.
• A rocket-scooter.

Villain Suit

• Has several modes.
• Allows the user to cling to walls.
• Allows the user to camouflage themselves.
• The suit can combine powers, allowing Dru to cling to the wall while activating camoflage.
• Has an inflatable sac that allows the user to float.
• Has a finger-mounted cutter that lets the user cut through metal.
  • Cuts through the hull of Bratt's robot.
• Is able to pull up a map of Bratt's lair.
• Can emit light from its hand.

Misc Gear

• A Rastafarian disguise.
• A fairy costume.
• A dentist disguse.
• A fake dog periscope.
• A device that lets him listen to hear through a wall.
• A pole vault pole.
• Goggles with a zoom function.
• Inflation Gun.
• An electronic safe cracker.
• A ray that transforms humans into Minions.^Ride

Minions

First emerging in their current form during the age of the dinosaurs, the Minions are an ancient group of beings who devote themselves to the most despicable master they can find. They also may be immortal, as apparently the same Minions have existed since their inception. After a fiasco in London, they found young Felonius Gru as he stole Queen Elizabeth's crown, and have served him ever since, with a slight relapse during Despicable Me 3, where they were tired of not committing crimes.

Durability

Blunt

• Bob, a noted weaker Minion, is fine after being crushed by a chunk of ice.
• Takes a hammer to the head.
• Tanks being smushed against the ceiling twice.
• Fine after being crushed by Gru's shrinking ariship.
• Gets wailed on by other Minions armed with medieval weaponry.
• Gets launched by a 2-liter of soda rocketing around.
• Fine after getting slammed into each other and falling a ways.
• Takes a beating from Queen Elizabeth.
  • Queen Elizabeth was able to casually beat a large man in an arm wrestling match.
• Fine after being sent flying high into the air and crashing.
• Fine after falling a distance and having a pig fall on him.
• Fine after being launched several city blocks away and high into the air.
• Fine after getting hit by a large boulder.
• Survives being crushed by a pneumatic press.^Ride

Other

• Fine after getting blasted by a large laser.^Ride
• Singed but otherwise fine after taking a missile.
• Tanks a missile.^Ride
• Fine after being launched from a cannon.
• Fine after getting hit with an explosion from a large bomb that leaves them imprinted in metal.
• Survives an explosion that results in a mushroom cloud.^Ride
• Survives without protection on the Moon.
• Recover fairly quickly from a taser.
• Ok after being electrocuted.
• Survives having his head squeezed into a jar.

Strength

• Sends another Minion flying with a shove.
• Knocks over an armored Minion with a sword swing.
• Carry missiles as big as themselves with and without help.
• Two lift the Shrink Ray and its container.
• Supports the weight of Gru, the Shrink Ray and its container, and another Minion with one hand.
• Work together to lift pieces of furniture, including a pinball machine.
• One shots another Minion.
• Bats around another Minion with a table tennis paddle.
• Kicks back a PX-41 Minion hard enough to knock it and two others off of the roof.
• Shreds walls and a desk with axes.
• Staggers a large man with a kicked ball.
• Lifts a toilet and the large man sitting on it.
• Lifts a washing machine.
• Tosses an axe such that it embeds itself in stone.

Speed/Agility

• Hides in an air vent before Vector can turn his head.
• Form a chain of Minions to save Gru and Margo from falling.
• Dodges a sword swing, and quickly runs around a lamppost.
• Catch up to a car on foot.
• A giant Minion catches a missile.

Skill

• Basically run the prison they get sent to.
• Competent enough to type out a list of achievements for Gru while he's at an interview.
• Two work together to drive a car, albeit poorly.
• Not a bad tattoo artist.
• Knows how to work a turntable.
• Win over a crowd in a singing contest.
• Balance on top of each other to open a door.
• Possibly know some form of martial arts.
• Built a functioning plane out of stuff they found in prison.
• Combine to form a giant hand.^Ride

Misc

• Their bodies are malleable, rendering stretching racks useless.
• If cracked and shaken, they can glow.
• If a sufficient electric surge is sent into their body, their eye can emit light.
• They are apparently semi-aquatic.
• Bob the Minion is capable of pulling out the Sword in the Stone, and was thusly made the new King of England.

Gear

• Minions often carry weapons on them, usually blades, but occasionally things like missile launchers.
• Minion car and "human" disguises.
  • They have several cars.
• Medieval armor and weapons.
• A chainsaw.
• Several Fart Guns.
• Firefighting gear.
• Torpedo-Submarine.
• Inflatable cycle.
• More weapons, including what appear to be guns.
• Even more weapons and tools.
• Various types of guns.
• Gear designed for them by Herb Overkill.
  • The hypnosis hat hypnotizes guards into a dance number.
  • The lava gun easily melts through a door.
  • The stretch suit cuts through and peels back a metal case.
  • The stretch suit has extendable arms and legs.
  • The stretch suit tears into concrete.
  • The stretch suit lets Bob redirect a runaway carriage.

PX-41 Minions

During Despicable Me 2, the Minions were kidnapped and injected with PX-41, a transformative serum that enhances their physical capabilities, but also makes them hostile.

Strength

• El Macho claims they can eat a city.
• Eats a police car.
• Eats an axe.
• Quickly chew through a tree.
• Breaks into Gru's vault though the ceiling.
• Shreds a tricycle.
• Sticks his arm through a window.

Durability

• El Macho claims that they are indestructible.
• No sells a police car falling on him.
• Bulletproof.
• No sells an axe to the head.
• No sells a flamethrower.
• Tanks a bomb exploding inside of him.

Misc

• There are a lot of them.
• Has no problem chasing after Gru, even though he's been a loyal employer.
• They can still communicate with each other.
• They can be reverted to normal through an antidote.

Gear

• Axes.

I'm finally back from my lengthy hiatus! I apologize for how long it took to continue this series, but I do intend to finish it still. I was about 90% finished with this part when my browser crashed and I lost everything, which killed my motivation for a while. Then finals week and Christmas came, and I have been busy as hell. Without any more delay, here we go with my WWE's post SummerSlam shows.
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Extreme Rules (SmackDown, 9/16 in Texas)
Pre Show Match 1: Texas Tornado Tag: The Bar def. Good Brothers (12 Minutes)
These two teams are both best at character stuff when it is off the cuff, so have this match built mostly in backstage segments and social media. On tv, the Good Brothers pick up a win over the Bar, which leads to a rematch under tornado rules here. I don't have massive stuff going on with either team at the moment, but these 4 are all great so I want to get them a spot on the show and this would be good to get the crowd going.
Pre Show Match 2: Bobby Lashley w/ Lio Rush def. Rusev w/ Aiden English (8 Minutes)
Following his crushing defeat at the hands of Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam, the seeds are sewn for Bobby Lashley to go over to the heel side. Lio Rush shows up on the SmackDown after SummerSlam and immediately begins coaxing Lashley into a darker path, and that turn is crystallized by here. What better way to get a new heel act started than to have them beat one of the most beloved babyfaces on SmackDown? That's what we get here in this pre show match. We get a comedic spot mid way with Lio hitting a dive on Rusev when the ref isn't looking, only for Lana to lay Rush out with a kick. In the end Lashley narrowly escapes Rusev's finish and beats him clean to start his heel run on a strong note.
Main Card
Match 1: Tables Match for the SmackDown Tag Team Championships: New Day (c) def. Authors of Pain (8 Minutes)
This match plays off of AOP picking up a big win over New Day at my Backlash, naturally making them top contenders for the New Day's reign. We get a fun little return of the "save the tables" chant gimmick here, and AOP doesn't have to eat a definitive loss where they get pinned or anything. In the end after a diversion, Big E spears Akam off of the apron through a table to secure the victory for his team.
Match 2: SmackDown Women's Championship: Becky Lynch def. Charlotte Flair (c) (14 Minutes)
This is the exact same match and build we got in real life for the Hell in a Cell PPV. Becky picks up the win here and fans rejoice. While Becky's turn was rough at first, the whole thing worked out perfect for her and I wouldn't change a thing.
Match 3: Knockouts or Submissions Only Match for the United States Championship: Samoa Joe (c) def. Shinsuke Nakamura (15 Minutes)
Feeling good coming off of a successful title defense at SummerSlam, Shinsuke Nakamura decides to hold an open challenge for his title on the following episode of SmackDown. Out comes Samoa Joe to answer that challenge, and he eventually wins his first main roster championship after a war. This is a bit of poetic justice, as the same week two years ago in the same arena, Shinsuke won the NXT title off of Joe. I think this would be a nice hard reset for Joe, which he needs in my world after losing both of his big feuds in 2018. Joe is the kind of guy who you can just give a title to, let him cut intimidating promos with it, and it will feel legit. Here we get their rematch, and to fit the theme of the show I gave a stipulation that gives well with both of these guys' Styles. This pairing would allow both men to flex their more snug strongstyle repertoires and hopefully produce something really memorable. In the end, Samoa Joe is able to retain his title over Shinsuke by choking him out in the coquina clutch.
Match 4: Rey Mysterio def. Andrade Almas w/ Zelina Vega (12 Minutes)
After his loss to Nakamura at SummerSlam, Almas has awakened a new fire in himself. In the build to this show he faces Tye Dillinger and R Truth in back to back episodes of SmackDown, brutalizing both men and putting them on the shelf for a while. After each dominant win, Zelina Vega takes the mic and reminds the crowd of Andrade's credentials. Almas continually hypes that he wants "real competition", which leads to a video package announcing Rey Mysterio's return cutting off one of these promos. This is a natural dream pairing for both of these guys, and we get to see them in the ring together for the first time on this event. I hate to have Andrade lose yet again, but believe me his time will come. I am having Rey win here because he needs to look good in his return match and this show also has a lot of heel victories. In the end, Almas counters Rey's finish and goes for a power move, which Rey counters into a lucha rollup for the victory.
Match 5: Extreme Rules Match: Sanity def. The Wyatt Family (15 Minutes)
This match writes itself. After the Wyatts drop their belts at SummerSlam, they cut a promo on the next SmackDown which is interrupted by Sanity. The next few weeks of TV can only be described as pure chaos between these two factions, and they can not be involved with eachother without things getting completely out of hand. Naturally, this leads to the two factions getting a match where anything is legal and victory can only be attained by pinfall or submission. We get Bray, Luke, and Erick vs Young, Wolfe, and Dain here, and the two teams put on a wild match full of tables, kendo sticks, garbage cans, chairs, and various other plunder. In the end, Sanity picks up the win by pinning Erick Rowan, getting the rub from the classic Wyatt Family lineup. On the following episode of SmackDown, a rematch is booked for the main event in a Street Fight. That match would end up being more of an angle than a match. The two factions would stare down, with Wyatt pointing at the 3 Sanity members. He would then move his hand over to point at Erick Rowan, and everyone involved in the match would stare him down. Wyatt and all 3 Sanity guys would then begin to decimate Erick Rowan together while Luke Harper would watch on in horror as his brother is destroyed and bloodied. Bray hits Sister Abigail on Rowan and allows Eric Young to pin him while dowing the Wyatt on knees T Pose. Erick Rowan is on the shelf, Sanity has aligned themselves with Bray Wyatt, and Luke Harper is starting to show signs of reluctance. Loaded little segment.
Match 6: 2/3 Falls Match: AJ Styles def. Daniel Bryan (23 Minutes)
Following both men losing the WWE title on the same night at SummerSlam, Bryan and AJ are both desperate to reclimb the mountain. Both men are so intense and competitive in fact that they begin to get in eachother's way, leading to a rematch from their SummerSlam clash here. On the SmackDown after SummerSlam, a Fatal 4 Way match is held to determine the new #1 Contender for Miz's WWE Title featuring Styles, Bryan, Rusev, and Jeff Hardy (who returns to the SmackDown brand after Matt Hardy's retirement). Styles and Bryan continually cost eachother the match there, and their competitive heat leads them to having a rematch here to settle the score. Daniel Bryan pulls a shock rollup in the first 2 minutes of this contest here, giving him the advantage. Daniel then viciously works over AJ's arm, desperate to tap him out for the second fall. Styles is able to counter Bryan's offense around the 15 Minute mark, gaining a fall over Bryan to even the odds and cue in the opening stretch. In the end, Bryan is trying to submit AJ when Styles counters an armbar into a Styles Clash and follows it up with the calf crusher to make Bryan tap out and win the match. Styles celebrates his win, but their is still tension between the two. Their feud is now 1-1, Styles moves on to a title match in Australia, and there is unfinished business between these guys.
Match 7: Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match for the WWE Championship: The Miz (c) def. Jeff Hardy (20 Minutes)
There is no guy on the SmackDown brand more apt for a main event shot on an Extreme Rules PPV than Jeff Hardy. In the 4 way contenders match previously discussed, Jeff Hardy picks up the win in his SmackDown return by hitting a Swanton on Rusev while Bryan and AJ brawl on the outside, getting himself a shot at Miz. The following week, Miz holds a championship celebration segment in the ring, which Jeff interupts, with the segment eventually ending with Jeff Hardy putting Miz through a table with a Swanton. Hardy gets to pick the stip, and he naturally decides on a classic for him: the TLC match. This match is everything you would expect it to be, with Miz trying to weasel his way up the ladder and Jeff doing all sorts of insane spots with the weaponry involved. I don't have a TLC PPV, so that is why these two have the stip here. In the end, Miz dodges an insane ladder dive and Jeff crashes through a bunch of tables, allowing Miz to climb the ladder and retain his WWE Championship.
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Super Showdown (Dual Branded, 10/6 in Australia)
Pre Show Match: The Iconics def. Asuka and Ember Moon (6 Minutes)
We have a brief 30 minute pre show here, and the Iconics get to perform in front of the Australian crowd. This match plays off the swelling tension of Asuka and Ember Moon, which the Iconics would tear into in the built, inciting more heat between the two girls. Here, Asuka ends up turning on Ember, leading the Iconics to a victory and building towards a climax for that feud.
Main Card
Match 1: #1 Contender's Match: Shinsuke Nakamura def. Daniel Bryan (18 Minutes)
This is a match that both Bryan and Shinsuke have been hyping since 2015, and what better place to have it than in a fresh opening spot to a hot WrestleMania sized crowd with plenty of time? Let these guys go all out here in the opener in a hard hitting, technical sight that sees both men going deep in the well to try and put eachother away. The build here is simple, with Shane McMahon announcing an 8 man tournament to determine a number one contender who will challenge for the WWE Championship on SmackDown 1000. These two guys run through their competition, and this is the finals of that tourney. In the end, Bryan amps up the crowd with a Yes Chant as he preps for his running knee, only to charge head first into a surprise Kinshasa from Nakamura for the 3 count. After the match, a disappointed Bryan and a victorious Nakamura show mutual respect and the crowd hopefully eats it all up.
Match 2: John Cena, Braun Stowman, and Kevin Owens def. Randy Orton, Bobby Roode, and Baron Corbin (10 Minutes)
This is admittedly pretty much a house show style "get guys on the card" tag. We tie in the Orton and Owens feud which has been continuing after their double turn at SummerSlam, with Owens getting a trial run as a face against a sadistic heel Orton. The story here is that Orton hits Cena with an RKO out of nowhere as soon as the match starts which Cena kicks out of, then Cena immediately tags out and sells on the apron. Braun then runs wild on all 3 heels for a while and tags in Owens. Owens also gets to run wild, but he gets cut off and the 3 heels work him over for a while, getting all their offense in. After we build a hot tag for a while, Cena gets to come in and hit the 5 Moves of Doom on Bobby Roode to pick up a victory for his team, preferably with no lightning punch. On the Raw in Chicago, Owens and Orton blow off their feud with a Chicago Street Fight, where the two brutalize eachother and brawl all around the arena. Owens is written off tv to get his surgery here, with Orton torturing him and brutalizing him with a variety of weapons to pick up the win.
Match 3: Cruiserweight Championship: Buddy Murphy def. Cedric Alexander (c) (10 Minutes)
Keep this exactly the same as real life, as this was a blast and a great moment.
Match 4: New Day (Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods), Rusev, Rey Mysterio, and Jeff Hardy w/ Lana, Aiden English, and Big E def. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Alexander Wolfe, Killian Dane, and Eric Young) (13 Minutes)
The new Wyatt Family looks pretty unstoppable, so the ultimate babyface team gathers together here to take them on. I would give this some time as there are a lot of good workers in here and this could be a blast of a match. Hardy hasn't wrestled since the TLC match, so this is a come back match for him. After a very fast paced back and forth tag match with everyone getting their moments, Luke Harper eats a 619, Matcha Kick, Midnight Hour, and finally a Swanton to take the pin. It may seem lame to have the new Wyatt faction lose this fast, but it is part of the larger story here. Harper has been reluctant since the moment that Sanity joined the Wyatts, after watching his brother get wiped out on SmackDown. After he takes the pin here, Wyatt holds a promo on the following SmackDown where he excommunicates Harper from the group and the 4 men beat the hell out of Luke. The super babyface team gets to celebrate with the crowd here for a feel good moment.
Match 5: SmackDown Women's Championship: Becky Lynch (c) and Charlotte Flair went to a double countout (9 Minutes)
Much like reality, we get a rematch here that leads to a dusty finish so these two girls can lead into their match at Evolution. Instead of a DQ, I switched the finish to a double countout with the two girls taking eachother out on the outside, as a good tease for their Last Woman Standing match.
Match 6: Intercontinental Championship: Finn Balor def. Seth Rollins (c) and Drew McIntyre (15 Minutes)
This is just simple pro wrestling booking. Take a prestigious title, put together a bunch of workers who can really go, and give them a rich history that they can play into. This is the next natural step from their SummerSlam match, with Finn leaving Drew and going babyface, Seth and Finn's long and expansive history, and Drew being ready to take his own path. I have faith these 3 guys would be able to put on something really special here. Give Seth a bunch of flaming pyro that shoots up after the "burn it down" in his theme, Drew gets people to play the bagpipes out for him, and Finn Balor does a demon paint entrance here where he does his own take on October classic Halloween's Michael Myers. Drew McIntyre almost gets his moment here when he hits Rollins with the Claymore, but Finn hits a Coup De Grace onto Drew's exposed ribs during the pin. Balor goes up a second time and hits Seth with a Coup De Grace, and babyface Balor is finally able to win himself some gold, becoming a 2x IC champion and putting the Rollins feud to an official close.
Match 7: WWE Championship: The Miz (c) def. AJ Styles (15 Minutes)
I don't have a lot to say here other than this is a natural match to have coming off of AJ's lengthy WWE title reign. I've been wanting to see these two get a big PPV match for quite some time, and I believe this would be a match of a high enough caliber to put in front of the huge Australia crowd. Styles hits Miz with Phenomenal Forearm at one point, only for Maryse to get Miz's foot on the rope, prompting the ref to kick her out. Miz targets Styles's leg hard, and there is a lengthy sequence of Styles taking some damage in the figure four before finally reaching the ropes. Styles is able to hit Miz with the Styles Clash, but that move further damages AJ's knee in the process. Styles takes way too long to get to the cover, giving Miz enough time to recover and kick out for a big nearfall. Styles finally goes for a second Phenomenal Forearm, but his injured leg goes out on him and he collapses off the top rope. Miz hits Styles with a Skull Crushing Finale, holds on to Styles and picks him back up, hitting him with a second consecutive Skull Crushing Finale to retain his title. Miz goes on to defend his title against Shinsuke Nakamura in the main event of SmackDown 1000, in a match where he tries to retain his title with every trick in the book. Nakamura survives every bell and whistle, and finally hits Miz with the Kinshasa to capture the WWE title on that iconic night, with confetti falling from the ceiling, Nak celebrating as the first (recognized) Japanese WWE Champion, and the fans hopefully going crazy.
Match 8: D Generation X def. Brothers of Destruction (20 Minutes)
Yet again like I said with Taker vs HHH, I'm fine with the old guys going out there and doing their thing still, I just don't want matches to take time away from the new stars, main event shows that other people should be main eventing, or go so long that everyone is too tired to go for the last few minutes. These matches also don't happen for some political regime, and they are treated as more of a sideshow than the main act. The build is the same here that it was for the real match, as it was fine. Once the match hit its breakdown and went wild, I would have the guys go home fast instead of going 15 extra minutes. Keep the match tight and not over indulgent, and we are all good.
Match 9: Raw Women's Championship: Ronda Rousey (c) def. Nikki Bella w/ Brie Bella (13 Minutes)
This is the match we got in the real life main event of Evolution only pushed up to the Australia show. Same build, same result, only I did it earlier so I could give Ronda a different opponent on that show.
Match 10: Universal Championship Match: Roman Reigns (c) def. Dean Ambrose (18 Minutes)
After all 3 guys were successful at SummerSlam, the Raw after advertises a Shield reunion in the ring. Seth comes out first with his IC title and adresses the fans, saying he wants to be their champion and cuts a fighting spirit babyface type promo. Out comes Roman with his new Universal Title probably to some boos, and the two champions banter back and forth about who the true top guy on Raw is, though this is kept in a playful tone and the two agree on a fist bump. Ambrose is the third and final guy to come out, as he has been separated from his brothers the longest. Ambrose comes out entirely serious and says nothing on the mic, and both of the other Shield members are confused at their friend's tone. Ambrose stares at Rollins for a minute, and then turns his attention to Roman Reigns. In all nonverbal communication, we get the vibe of some tension between the two. Roman starts to talk to his brother and try to make sure its all good, and he extends his fist for a fist bump. Dean looks at the fist, looks up into Roman's eyes, looks down at the Universal Title, then looks back up at Roman. Dean extends his arm and fist bumps the Universal Title, then leaves the ring, and it is clear where we are going. In the build here Ambrose earns himself some contendership and while the build feels personal, neither guy is really playing a heel or face. Ambrose says that he had a lot of time to think while he was on the shelf, and he realizes that while his Shield brothers are the reason he is standing in a WWE ring, staying with them is doing nothing good for his singles career. He wants to direct his attention towards becoming the top guy no matter who is in his way, and he is more than happy to take it from Roman. These two get to main event the show here, and they can hopefully put on a really good Universal Title match. The match starts off with a lot of grappling and wrestling, which Ambrose actually dominates and shows a lot of control in. Roman is getting visibly frustrated, and he eventually resorts to using his power to toss Ambrose around and gain some momentup. Once Dean has had enough of this, he is the first one to start throwing strikes and soon the match turns into a gritty scrap that only two brothers could have. Ambrose almost scores the title late in the bout when he catches Roman Reigns mid spear into a Dirty Deeds for a nearfall. Ambrose also survives a Spear, getting to join the rare list of guys who kick out of that move. In the end, Roman hits Dean with a superman punch causing Dean to stumble back and prepare for his rebound lariat, walking right into a Spear for the 3 count. Reigns celebrates and Ambrose is clearly disappointed, but the match pays off with Dean and Roman finally doing a fist bump.
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Roman Reigns vacates the title due to leukemia
So I had to address this in my booking. This is an all around awful situation and I hope the big dog gets better soon. In my world he would cut the same exact type of promo, and the moment would all be the same on that night of Raw. The main event of Raw would basically be an ode to Roman, with The Usos defending their tag team titles against Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. The 4 guys would leave it all in the ring in a 20-30 minute affair to really pay tribute to their friend. After all of the near falls and close calls in the world, Ambrose and Rollins capture the championships from the Usos and the two teams share some huge mutual respect to eachother and Roman.
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In my world Crown Jewel does not exist, so the title will not be decided for there. Also, I decided to move Brock Lesnar to the SmackDown brand for a fresh start following SummerSlam, so he will not be in Universal Title contention. I would hold an 8 man tournament, with the first round happening on Raw 10/29, and the semi finals and finals taking place on Raw 11/5. The semifinals see Dean Ambrose defeating Braun Strowman via rollup and Seth Rollins defeating Randy Orton via Curb Stomp to open the show.
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Later on in the night, Ambrose and Rollins get to compete in an all out barnburner to decide who leaves with the vacant Universal title. These two would get to go out there and leave it all in the ring, from finisher kickouts to big counters to callbacks from their previous matches. After a lengthy and hard fought contest, Seth Rollins is able to hit a Curb Stomp to win the big one. Dean Ambrose feels even more defeated and bummed than Super Showdown, and his disappointment is very obvious. Roman Reigns comes down to the ring to personally give Seth the title in a special moment, and the two brothers embrace. Ambrose re enters the ring and there is a lot of tension between the two. Ambrose finally puts his pride aside for one night and reluctantly does one more fist bump with his brothers and both Shield members leave Seth in the ring to celebrate his accomplishment.
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Seth Rollins def. Dean Ambrose to win the Vacant Universal Championship
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There's my booking! Next time I will be back with Evolution, Survivor Series, Hell in a Cell (Raw), and Armageddon (SmackDown).

This is one of the Milestones series of stories, and is not part of the 30,000 subscriber count contest.
It was supposed to be a milk run.
Just a simple recon they said, no different from the others Sergeant Roberts and his team had done a thousand times before. Ghost in, take a few pictures, ghost out. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Only this time the shit hit the fan and instead of relaxing back at the Shop with a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other, Roberts was flat on his back staring up the sky while a robotic field surgeon tugged at the chunk of metal lodged in his gut, the rest of his crew and ship a shattered wreck nearby. Just as soon as the hole in his side was stitched up and the bleeding stopped, he was going to find the Klatk bastard that had managed to knock down his ship and jam his size 12 boot so far...
Roberts ground his teeth as all thoughts of revenge were driven out of his head by the autosurgeon removing the bit of deck plating that had been keeping him from bleeding out and shoved tiny waldos into his torso, searching for any debris it may have missed. The slot that normally held painkiller was empty, the glass vial destroyed along with most of the supplies and other equipment in the crash. He just hoped that the robot’s programming was good enough to deal with only a limited set of tools and a missing leg. A groan escaped his lips as the ‘bot pulled and tugged things back into alignment, the smell of cooking flesh making him want to gag as it used a tiny laser to cauterize broken blood vessels before quickly zipping him closed. The machine clicked in confusion as it tried to clean up the wounded area, the hydrospray bottle just as empty as the rest. Eventually it gave up and resorted to plucking at the incision, tiny cameras inspecting its work and looking for leaks. A beep and a green light told Roberts it was done and the Ranger sat up, his side throbbing each time he moved. But at least he was mobile and alive, which was saying something after getting shot out of the sky over Spiea-6, home to nothing but trees and rocks and apparently one very well-protected Klatk outpost that Intel had failed to warn them about.
The autosurgeon beeped a few more times and a tiny screen lit up with flickering text. Roberts glanced at it and dismissed it just as quickly. Probable concussion, multiple contusions, elevated levels of histamines and antibodies, at least two cracked ribs, the list went on and on. Emergency bailout with a half-deployed chute followed by repeated introductions to the local flora at a high rate of speed will do that to a body. He was just happy the branches and the chute had slowed his descent enough to where he was just bruised and not broken like the ship and the rest of the crew. Power armor or not, hitting the ground at terminal velocity would be end of story. “I don’t suppose your programming covers electronics repair, does it?” he asked, tugging the remains of his undershirt back on slowly to avoid pulling out the stitches and aggravating his ribs. The machine beeped in confusion, not understanding the command. “Never mind. New instructions. Locate and recover all dog tags of deceased team members. Secure remains and any related ops material for thermite disposal along with the ship. Return when done.” The ‘bot beeped twice to confirm and then turned around on its seven remaining legs and stumbled off, the blinking green light quickly lost among the wreckage as it searched for bodies and anything else Humanity didn’t want the Klatk aliens to get ahold of.
While it was gone, Roberts took stock. Shredded remains of a drop chute: check. Power armor: pretty dinged up but mostly serviceable, if you ignored the cracked helmet that had saved his noggin when he ploughed through the trees and the jagged hole where the bit of ship had punched through. Fuel cells: down a third. Weapons and ammo: limited. Comms: wrecked, along with the ship. Rations: plenty, if you enjoyed high-density MREs and distilled water. Distance to enemy base and possible evac: unknown. Terrain: presumed hostile. Support: none. Situation: could be worse. Diagnosis: just another day in the Corp. Every paycheck a fortune and every mission an adventure, each one a chance to spread Humanity’s glory among the stars.
“Hoo-rah,” Roberts muttered sourly to himself, strapping his power armor back on and connecting the energy pack before shoving the helmet down over his short grey hair. The helmet took some convincing to boot up, the interface refusing to focus properly and leaving everything slightly fuzzy. The screen was alive with warning lights and threat indicators, hotspots from the shattered wreckage confusing the battlecomp. Roberts used the haptic controls to filter out most of the noise and reassign new targets and waypoints, overlaying a map of the area with what the video recorder had captured just before they got shot down, the pilot jinking all over the sky like some sort of demented rabbit trying to outrun a fox. The pathfinder suggested a few possible routes to get to the enemy base, but they were all based off his own half-assed assumptions of where he and the ship had actually come down at. Given the relative ease that the cloaked dropship had been taken out it was a safe bet the Klatk had some fancy new tech HQ wasn’t aware of, and were most likely already enroute to keep it that way. So the sooner he vacated the area the better.
The autodoc returned carrying three dog tags clutched in one waldo, stopping in front of Roberts and beeping. “Where’s Jones?” he demanded, taking the plastic-coated slabs of high-density memory crystal from the machine and flipping through them as the thermite he ordered set popped off, reducing the bodies of his team and their pilot to ashes along with slagging the remains of the ship. The ‘bot beeped and the screen lit up, indicating that Specialist Jones was not among the bodies. “So he’s still alive?” Roberts asked. The ‘bot beeped again and flashed a yellow light, signaling that it lacked the requested information. “Friggin’ useless. Okay, collect whatever medical supplies you can find and bring them here. Max five minutes, so prioritize.” The ‘bot beeped twice and disappeared back into the wreckage.
Roberts looked around, trying to guess where Jones may have wound up. The specialist had been a last-minute replacement, special orders putting him on the team in exchange for Avery being transferred to another unit. He hated losing one of his best people in exchange for a relative unknown, but Jones had seemed competent enough and knew his Klatk better than most, even if he wouldn’t look you in the eye for some reason. Cold and distant would be a good description. Frowning, he continued to play with the helmet and see if it had captured a shot of Jones bailing out the same as him. The video was a confusing smear of noise and color, the file mostly corrupted except for a few half-second stills of Jones looking unhappy just before the pilot started bouncing the ship through the sky in a vain attempt to escape missile lock. The impact had shredded the rear quarter of the ship along with the two men unlucky enough to be next to it but it gave Roberts an opening to bail out, the pilot struggling to keep from crashing but ultimately failing.
Shrugging, Roberts turned off the helmet and resumed sorting through his meager supplies, stuffing a week’s worth of food and water into his backpack along with as much ammo as he could scrounge up. If Jones were still alive he’d try to reach the base the same as him. If not, well, that’s what form XP-93/5 was for. Provided he made it out himself. If he didn’t, then someone else would have to fill out the paperwork.
The servos on his armor whined as he picked the backpack up, the display on his helmet warning about the increased power consumption and projecting less than three days worth of run time. Grumbling, Roberts removed some of the water and MREs, chugging a bottle and eating some of the sawdust-flavored protein bars. Waste not want not, his grandmother had always told him. The rest he carefully buried next to a purple bush, covering it with sticks and rocks in case either Jones or he needed to find it later.
The autodoc returned, dragging a medical supply box. Roberts took it from the ‘bot, hefting it one hand to judge its weight before popping it open. The contents were mostly bandages and surgical thread, along with a few bottles of aspirin and wide-spectrum antibiotics. “Expecting I might collect a few more holes?” he asked, the ‘bot beeping in confusion at the question. Ignoring it, Roberts dumped the entire contents into his backpack but not before taking some of the aspirins and antibiotics, washing them down with one of the water bottles he was forced to leave behind.
Shrugging on the backpack and tightening the straps, he looked at the ‘bot. “Well? What are you waiting for? Climb aboard. No sense running your batteries down trying to keep up,” he ordered, kneeling down and holding a hand out. The autodoc wasted no time in scurrying up the Ranger's arm, the metal legs slipping and sliding over the ceramic composite that made up the outer skin of his power armor. The machine finally made it and then nestled down on top of his backpack, waldos clamping onto the canvas to keep it from falling off as Roberts stood up.
Sliding his service pistol into the holster built into the right thigh of his power armor, Roberts picked up his multi-rifle and gave it a final once over. “Right then,” he said, flipping his helmet’s visor down and activating the waypoint system, picking one of the suggested paths. The fuzzy display showed a distance estimation, the number hovering around 30,000 meters. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
Six hours of rough terrain later Roberts was sweaty and tired, regretting bringing as much supplies as he did; even with the power armor helping out, the going was difficult. That was assuming the mission clock built into his helmet was functioning correctly - the sun hadn’t moved from its seemingly permanent position overhead, rays of light filtering through the alien trees. Adding to the fact was that the inertial tracker system seemed to be flaking out, he could have sworn he had passed the same tree five times already. If some visible landmarks didn’t show up pretty soon, his next option would be to try and climb a tree to take a sight line, something he wasn’t looking forwards to.
The faint smell broke Roberts out of his mindless exhaustion, tickling his hindbrain and sending a jolt of adrenaline coursing through his bloodstream. The increasingly rank odor alerted him to the presence of others long before the helmet’s dodgy battlecomp did, a foul stench he had smelled too many times and at odds with the pine-like scent the alien trees were giving off. He melted back into the underbrush, issuing a soft command to the autodoc to disable any audible feedback. Crouching, he slowly brought his rifle up and squinted through the scope in the direction the battlecomp said was a heat signature, the synthetic diamond optics unphased by the crash landing. He kept the safety on and his finger off the trigger just in case he was wrong and whatever was up ahead wasn’t hostile - no reason to waste ammo and give away his position.
The creature that shambled into view was a Klatk plodder, a low-slung beast used primarily for ferrying supplies around, a boxy structure strapped to it wobbling back and forth with every step. Behind it came five Klatk ground units, hunchbacked dragons covered in fur and armed with plasma rifles arranged in a loose inverted triangle. The one bringing up the rear was decked out in a multicolored shell that covered its back and most of its head, continually looking at a device in one talon-tipped claw while using the butt end of a deathlance as a walking stick. The wicked-looking weapon was capable of delivering either high voltage shocks to force compliance or pulses of lethal bolts if the need arose; both it and the shell signified a high-ranking commander, one rarely seen outside of a major military installation and then only if something important was going on. The outpost HQ had sent Roberts and his recon team to snap pictures of wasn’t supposed to rate that kind of alien brass, so either intel had screwed up yet again or they had stumbled over someone’s pet project. Say for example, a missile that could bypass a dropship’s cloaking field.
The quartet moved across Roberts’s path, talking quietly amongst themselves and heading generally northwards, guided there by whatever was in the commander’s claw-like hand. He waited until they had passed well out of sight and then rewound the video log the helmet had captured, boosting the audio until he could make out what the creatures were saying. His Klatk wasn’t as good as Jones’ or Avery’s, but he knew enough that the words for ‘human’ and ‘find’ jumped out. Given that the direction they were heading in was not towards where the ship had crashed, Roberts assumed they must be looking for Jones and the device was their way of finding him. Rising from his crouched position he moved to follow them, keeping a safe distance between him and the group of armed Klatk.
The trail was easy enough to follow, the Klatk unknowing or uncaring that anyone was behind them and Roberts had no problems matching their pace. Eventually they stopped moving and he slid forward through the trees, carefully placing his feet to avoid stepping on anything that would give away his position. As he got closer he could hear talking - surprisingly a mixture of both Common and Klatk.
“Well it certainly took you long enough. I trust you brought my money?” Jones demanded, arms crossed and a frown on his bruised face. Apparently his bailout had been as rough as Roberts’s was. The Klatk commander replied in their clicking language, shaking his death lance at Jones who didn’t look impressed. “You were supposed to destroy the ship once we had landed and I was clear, not a kilometer up in the air with me still aboard! I knew I should have waited to disable the cloaking field, even when you insisted it be done sooner so you could test out your new radar system. Six months of prep and you idiots almost ruin it at the last possible second because you wanted to play with your new toys. No goddam wonder you can’t seem to make any headway with pushing the Human Confederation back.”
A few more clicks came from the commander, the words too rapid for Roberts to translate without help. Jones apparently didn’t have that problem, waving a hand in a dismissing gesture. “Whatever. I expect an extra bonus. Call it hazard pay. Just be glad I managed to make it out with your prize intact.” A few more words from the commander resulted in the other Klatk’s pointing their plasma rifles at Jones, the whine of power grids charging up echoing through the woods.
Roberts was torn. On one hand he wanted to let the Klatk turn Jones into beef jerky for his obvious betrayal; on the other, he couldn’t let a Human just get killed without at least making a token to stop it - it would set a bad precedent. The choice was taken away from him by Jones patting the box strapped to his side and saying with a sneer, “go ahead. Even if you somehow manage to not fry the electronics with your plasma guns, you’ll never beat the encryption. Once I have what you promised and safely off planet I’ll send you the keys, then you can read all the High Command signal traffic you want. What system get what ships, which unit is low on supplies, who’s screwing who in the breakroom. All sorts of juicy stuff. The two of you can blow each other up for all I care. I’ve had enough of being passed over for promotion while everyone else gets theirs. Now it’s my turn.” The Klatk commander seemed to be thinking it over, finally issuing a command to the others which resulted in them lowering their weapons and prodding the Klatk plodder forwards. Robert’s blood boiled at the depth of Jones's treason, and he had to work to keep from flipping the safety off his rifle and unloading on the group until he had a strategic advantage.
Jones opened the box strapped to the plodder, a greedy smile creasing his face as he pulled out a handful of credit chips. “Excellent. Most excellent. You might be interested in some additional tech I managed to keep during my untimely midair exit. The key component to our cloaking system - with it your own scientists should be able to produce a working version in a year or less and an effective countermeasure shortly thereafter. Consider it an upgrade to our original deal. Say, an extra twenty percent?” Jones held out a flat package with some wires dangling from it, offering it to the Klatks. Roberts could easily see the warning stickers on the side indicating it contained no user serviceable parts inside. How Jones knew what it was or how to unhook it while the dropship was in flight was beyond him, but he had seen enough. He couldn’t let either it or the signal decrypter stay in Klatk hands - or Jones either, for that matter.
Taking the some of the spare ammo from a pouch, he reached over his shoulder to pull the autodoc from its perch on his backpack, the machine’s waldos refusing to let go for a few seconds. Holding it in front of his face with one hand, he whispered, “new orders. Take these bullets and plant them along the trail about fifty meters from our current position.” He narrow-beamed the information to the ‘bot indicating his desired location. “Find a secure position and wait for my signal, then use your surgical laser to ignite the primers without damaging your own systems. Do you understand?” He waited for the display to reply back his commands in ai-speak, confirming the machine had interpreted his instructions properly. Placing the ‘bot on the ground he watched it trundle off to disappear into the underbrush, its off-center gait exaggerated by the extra weight of the magazine clutched in its manipulators.
While he had been messing with the autodoc Jones had obviously reached some sort of agreement with the Klatks over the cloaking the device if the smug look satisfaction on his face was any indication. Stripping off most of his own armor and harness, Jones piled the pieces along with the cloaking field generator onto the back of the Klatk plodder, the creature grunting at the additional weight. “Ah, that’s much better. I’ll keep my gun if you don’t mind. No matter how much I dislike being a soldier of the Human Confederation, I still feel naked without one. I’m sure you understand,” he said, gesturing towards the Klatk’s own weapons which were still generally pointed in his direction. “Well. Shall we be on our way? I have money to count along with a shuttle to catch and you have some promotions to accept. Everyone wins.” Jones chuckled nastily. “Almost everyone that is.” The Human led the way along back the trail the Klatk had blazed to reach him, certain that his alien compatriots would follow him. He wasn’t wrong.
Roberts watched from his hidden position, the brush giving him almost perfect camouflage. His helmet had recorded the entire interaction between Jones and the Klatk commander, sealing the man’s fate should he ever encounter Human controlled space. Of course, that depended on Roberts also managing to do the same, an outcome that was far from certain. As a precaution he triggered the download feature in the helmet, sending a highly compressed version of the data to the dog tag buried at the base of his skull. It wouldn’t be as good as the helmet's raw feed, but was better than nothing. The other tags that he carried with him held similar data, the last few minutes of their owner’s lives. He hoped that together they could be used to reconstruct the events that preceded their betrayal and prevent it from happening in the future.
But that was later; this was now. And now was time for some simple old-fashioned revenge, the kind that Humans had been good at for millennia.
Roberts was forced to remain hidden, waiting until the Klatk quartet with their traitorous Human accomplice passed him by before rising silently and following at a close distance, moving slow to account for the heavily-loaded Klatk plodder. As they approached the point where he had instructed the autodoc to plant the spare bullets Roberts faded back into the trees, dropping his backpack and using the foliage as cover before broadcasting a signal over the low-frequency channel to the ‘bot. Jones stiffened a few seconds before the rounds popped off, the Klatk soldiers swiveling to point their weapons in the direction of the noise and presenting their vulnerable backsides to Roberts.“No, wait…” Jones started to say before he was drowned out by the sound of plasma rifles tearing into the underbrush where they thought was an attacking force.
As the Klatk wasted their energy shooting at nothing, Roberts opened up from his own position, working to carefully place each shot from his multirifle where it would be likely to do the most damage. The helmet’s battlecomp was mostly useless, forcing him to rely on his Mark I Eyeball and years of training. He got two before the survivors realized they were in the middle of a lethal crossfire, Jones dropping prone to the ground as the Klatk commander blanketing the area with bolts from his deathlance. Dense plasma rocketed through the woods, several smaller trees exploding into clouds of lethal splinters as their sap was instantly boiled into superheated steam. Roberts kept his head down and fired back blindly, chunks of hot steaming wood pinging off his already damaged armor but rewarded with a brief scream of pain as he managed to zap one of the Klatk soldiers. One plasma bolt came too close to his position, crashing through the brush he had been hiding under and splashing him with hot fused dirt, forcing him to roll out from under and behind a larger tree. Using the branches as cover he leaned out and sighted through the scope and popped the remaining Klatk soldier in the head, the dragon-like face exploding into green goo and shiny scales. The Klatk commander and Jones were the only two remaining foes, the pair shooting wildly into the trees in an effort to smoke Roberts out. Jones’s handgun wasn’t having much effect, but the commander’s deathlance was in serious danger of setting things on fire and really smoked him out.
“Hey, Jones!” Roberts called out, switching magazines. “How’s it hanging?”
“Long and strong as always, old man!” the traitor called back, hissing at the Klatk commander to stop shooting and moving off to one side. The dragon-like alien shuffled around a tree and kept his deathlance ready. “How does it feel, being cut off and alone? No team to back you up?” The specialist kept his own gun up in a head-lock position, sighting down the barrel and searching for Roberts, moving from tree to tree for cover. The Klatk plodder had taken off during the brief firefight, crying noises echoing through the forest is it ran away carrying Jones’s blood money and the cloaking device, the box strapped its back bouncing around. “No need to fight, we can work out a deal. The Klatk just want to be left alone and have lots of credits they are willing to share. Enough to buy your own pleasure asteroid and all the beer and sexbots you could dream of!”
“Not enough money in the stars for that. And who says I’m alone?” Roberts called back, pitching his voice slightly lower in an effort to make it seem it came from several yards away. He crawled along the ground towards a different tree that would give him a better angle on the Klatk commander, the armored creature his primary threat. He could see the autodoc’s robotic frame glinting in the sun near where Jones was at, the machine zeroing in on the wounds the Human soldier had accumulated in the brief firefight. Roberts quickly sent a halt-and-stop command via his helmet to the ‘bot before it attempted to patch the other man up. Jones twitched, his head jerking around suddenly as if searching for a new threat.
“So the rest of the team made it? Man, they build you guys a lot tougher than they let on. Must be all those protein bars they feed you. Hey Philip, Markelson, where you at? No hard feelings guys. Sorry about the missile, wasn’t part of the plan. Tell you what, let me make it up to you. Name your price, whatever you want, pick a number. Plenty of credits to go around, no need to get all shooty. Too bad Avery isn’t here, we could make this a real party. Whaddya say guys, feel like being rich for once?”
Things finally clicked for Roberts. Jones was one of the new cyberwarriors, neurological implants allowing him to ‘feel’ sigint if he was close enough and do some low-level hacking in the field. They were supposed to be carefully vetted, intense psychoanalysis sessions conducted before the surgeries were allowed to proceed. But in Jones’s case something had gone wrong, safeguards bypassed to allow a traitor to slip through and kill three good men, men who had done nothing more than be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Robert’s blood boiled, and he squirmed through the underbrush to where he could just see the Klatk moving around a tree.
Squinting through the scope on his multirifle, he flipped the selector to the high-explosive setting and drew a bead on the alien. Queuing up an undocumented command in his helmet for the autodoc that he wasn’t supposed to know about, he sent it just as he squeezed the trigger on his weapon, the machine’s indicator light blinking red in time with him firing. The bullet had barely left the barrel as the robot launched itself at Jones, landing on his back in a whirling flurry of lasers and atomically-sharp surgical tools as it dug towards it prize. The man’s screams of terror was drowned out by the HE round striking the Klatk commander, the explosion punching through the multicolored shell and blasting out the other side.
“Omega command hotel foxtrot yankee. Take the bastard apart.”
“So that’s how it all went down?” the interviewer said after Roberts finished recounting the events that took place on Spiea-6. Harsh lights cast his face into deep shadows while he continually rearranged four plastic-coated slabs of high-density memory crystal laying on the table between the two men.
“Yesser. Pretty much. The recording from my helmet and the autodoc will confirm most of it, along with whatever you can pull off Jones’s dog tags,” Roberts answered, pointing to one of the slabs covered in deep gouges where the autodoc had been a little too enthusiastic about removing it from the base of the man’s skull. “There might be some gaps, of course. Damage from the wreck and the firefight.”
“I understand. And the cloaking device?”
“Thermite charge. Ashed, along with Jones’s remains and the signal decoder. ‘Course I had to hunt down the plodder carrying it first.” Roberts made a face. “They smell even worse dead, if you can imagine.”
“So I’ve been told. How did you manage the shuttle?”
Roberts shrugged. “Luck, mostly. They had one set up for Jones to use and were just standing around looking bored. Didn’t take much effort to cause a distraction and steal it while they were busy.” He gave the man a thin smile. “And by distraction I mean blowing up their anti-aircraft defenses. I will admit taking a quite a bit of pleasure in doing that. By the way, I need a new pair of boots, size 12 - I was forced to leave one of mine behind. In someone’s behind.”
“Interesting. Well, we have to review everything and look into how Jones managed to slip through the screening process and contact the Klatk, and who signed off on the orders assigning him to your team. You do realize that under general order 268 everything we have discussed is highly classified and your team’s mission to Spiea-6 will not show up in any of your service records?”
“Of course. I would like to send a letter to my team’s families expressing my condolences, along with a few mementos of our service together, if that’s alright. Minus Jones, of course.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem, as long as you don’t violate any secrecy rules. You have performed a great service to Humanity, Sergeant Roberts. My only regret is that your actions will not be officially recognized and as such you will not be eligible for promotion or a pay raise because of them. We will go over your after-action report and assign you a new team eventually, but until then consider yourself on temporally detached duty. Enjoy the pleasure bars for a while. Drink as much beer and eat as many pancakes as can handle, maybe try out a sexbot or two.”
“Yesser, thank you sir,” Roberts said, standing up and throwing the man a salute.
“Oh, and just one more thing Roberts,” the interviewer said. “The payment Jones got from the Klatk. What became of it?”
“No idea, sir,” Sergeant Roberts replied with a straight face. “I assume it got lost in the woods somewhere. The plodder was crashing around in a panic before I caught up with it. Whatever was left in the box got slagged along with the rest.” Pausing just before he exited the room he said, “just so you know, sir. I’m thinking of turning in my stripes, retiring and cashing out before I get too old for this shit. Thirty years is a long time to be stuck as a sergeant doing field ops. The face of war is changing, and it’s a young man’s game these days.”
“Indeed it is. Well, if you believe that is what is best for you, I’m sure High Command will understand. Just don’t be surprised if early retirement causes your pension to get dinged somewhat in the process.”
Touching the mega-unit credit chip in his pocket, Roberts thought of the other 30,000 just like it buried safely in the woods on Spiea-6, right next to the cloaking device and signal decoder, all carefully hidden until he was ready to dig them up and vanish for good. A handful had been smuggled out in the autodoc, coin to grease a few palms that needed help looking the other way while certain video and data logs were altered. Some would be deposited in the bank account of a certain asshole major that had assigned Jones to Roberts’s team and forced him to push his timetable up. Not a ridiculous amount but large enough so that people would have a hard time believing anything the man said about Jones and Roberts after he failed to explain how the money got there in the first place. After all, who was the tech expert and knew his way around electronics and other systems? Certainly not the thirty-year veteran with a stellar service record, one full of commendations and praise - not that anyone knew about it, most of it redacted and deleted. No, it must have been the kid with his fancy implants and shifty eyes, not the grey-haired sergeant who kept doing the job no matter how many times he got passed over for promotion because of one bullshit general order after another.
Still, it was too bad about Philip and Markelson, along with the ship’s pilot, Vega. They weren’t supposed to get hurt - hell, nobody was supposed to get hurt. Plan was to land, stage an accident with the ship that forced everyone out before he ripped off the cloaking device, blowing it up and faking his own death in the process. While the rest of the team was mourning their loss and waiting for rescue he’d be on his way to retirement aboard his own private shuttlecraft. But the last-minute change in plans sent everything sideways, his Klatk partner scrambling to get to the new meet point in time while Jones started sniffing around. Things could have still worked out fine if the nosy cyberwarrior hadn’t noticed him disabling the cloaking device and demanded answers, finally pulling a gun and ordering him to stand down. The look on his face when the missile lock came on was almost comical - and when Roberts kicked him in the family jewels just before hitting the silk it was even better. He had assumed Jones had died in the crash with the rest but no, the man apparently had the luck of the devil himself. Then he tried to play the big hero, starting a firefight and unwilling to listen to reason until Roberts was forced to use the autobot override to take him down and then clean up the mess. Everything had happened just like Roberts had told the interviewer, just switched around a bit.
Jerking himself out of his reverie, Roberts looked over his shoulder at the man still sitting at the desk and said, “it wouldn’t surprise me at all, sir. But I’ve got a bit squirreled away here and there that should see me through if I’m careful.” Exiting through the door he muttered to himself, “call it hazard pay.”