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My writing portfolio
Rachel Schneider ENG 477 Date 1/11/2021 Marsha Blackburn A Writing Portfolio I want to write my own fiction stories one day; I have had a book or two swimming around in my head so I will put the computer to good use and get that typed out one of these days. In this instance I chose my 5 stories and even though one is a marketing inquiry I had fun writing it, so here are my things and some background some of them. Resume: It is a basic one because my photo ones were not particularly good, and this is an honest resume besides the ones I made for class and I did fudge on those. Cover letter: I made up the cover letter though there is a penguin Books but it is always fun to use your imagination! Hike with Drew: I got the concept from a Writer’s Digest and entered it into a contes I never got a response but good practice. Short Story Vegas: Was one I did for another class but in here I changed it and the story was much better the second time. Marketing Flyer: This was fun to do those are stock photos of the dogs and squeaky toys, but I like Pit Bulls and dog toys are fun as well. Scott part 1-This is a story I am working on with another writer, warning its very sexy and some naughty words are in there as well. Writing Samples: I made these three samples up one day because as I have looked for writing work, I have seen people want a sample of your work, so I came up with these. Rachel Schneider 3867 Houghton Ave Riverside CA 92501 📷 951-743-8911 📷 [email protected] 📷 Rachel Schneider 📷 Rachel7Tori-Twitter 📷 📷 Objective To get a career going in the fiction/short story writing industry my imagination can run with any scenario and to write is to live. 📷 Education Bachelor of Arts in English | Grand Canyon University 2017 – 2021 Took 15 different writing courses, creative writing and even two fun marketing classes all to polish up my craft. Carried a 3.0 GPA and did the courses all online as well. No Degree Obtained | Riverside Community College June 1994 – December 1996 Took these college courses but did not finish got 32 Units of Child Development Courses though which is what I was going for 📷 Experience Cafeteria Worker 1 2008 Currently Employed. Cook, Prep, serve food in a middle school setting, also clean, count inventory and do next day prep, cash handling and POS register experience. Bell Ringer | Salvation Army November 2007 – December 2007 Rang bell and collected donations for the salvation Army in front of various stores during the holiday season. 📷 Skills Food handlers Card CPR First Aid certified Grammar Proficiency Spelling Proficiency Can work from home 📷 Activities Have good use of social media and can help update or bring in new followers with my creative writing side. Have a Reddit account as well with 30 stories up on that site. Can speak a little Spanish and Hebrew as well. 951-743-8911 [email protected] 3867 Houghton Ave Riverside CA 92501
Rachel Schneider
Writer
Penguin Books
Dear JENNIFER MCGREGOR,
1/21/2021 Jennifer McGregor Fiction Publisher 4587 Tropicana Rd. Las Vegas NV 89102 I have included my resume for the short story writer for young adult novels. It has been a few years, but I currently work in a middle school, so I do see all the angst and sass that goes with being a young teen. I do hope my writing samples can help me move to the top of the list. I look forward to working with Penguin Books and letting kids know being a teen is hard at first, but it does not last forever. Sincerely, Rachel Schneider Rachel Schneider 3867 Houghton Ave Riverside CA 92501 It had been a long cold winter Drew and I could not get out for a morning hike till today. Being 75 degrees, we did not have to wear many layers. He is an extremely sweet inquisitive boy who always asks a lot of questions. Why does moss grow on the north side of trees” he asks? Its times like this when it would be nice to have my husband here, but he is overseas where the work is. “well, it’s not just the north side it’s on the shadier side because that is where the moisture is.” On we went looking at snails on the ground watching the deer pass by along a ridge. Being quiet as to not startle them. “Mom he whispered it’s a bunny den they are coming out for food, he leaves a few carrot and lettuce scraps from last night’s dinner. I walked down the path and spotted some glorious Blue Jays and a Downey Woodpecker. “Listen Drew the woodpecker is getting the bugs out of the trees.” My sweet Drew was staring at the Bunnies, they are cute and fluffy after all. We followed our path down further after the bunnies went back to the den. The skies were getting cloudy, so I hoped the rain was not going to come back. Though the weather report said there was a chance. My little explorer with his school uniform on was undeterred, I wish I could wear shorts on a 75 day and not be cold, it is always nice to be young. Walking along our path we spot some squirrels running in circles around the tree. “Why do the chase each other like that” Drew asks. “Maybe it’s a game for them like ring around the Rosie.” On we trek to our favorite stream where the deer family are taking their drinks. I tell Drew we cannot skip stones right now we do not want to scare them. We look through the grass for more of his favorite bugs, saw some worms just below the dirt by a tree. Looking up we see a big spider web being made between two branches. The crows were making their calls in the distance. We are finally able to skip our stones in the stream. He gets some great skips going, and we collect some new rocks for our little garden back home. Walking past the stream we climb up the embankment and up along the ridge where we see a Fox off in the distance. He or she walks the opposite direction we are going so it is a relief we can continue to the clearing. Where there are more bugs, rocks, and Bunnies. We pass the Deer family as they run up the hill to were, they mostly frolic or maybe they live up there. We stop for a snack of Apples, Almonds, and some cheese sticks. When we were finished Drew put a couple of slices in his pocket to feed the Bunnies, I am sure. “Mommy we’re getting to the clearing now we can see the Bunnies and the last time Daddy, and I were here I got some neat rocks too.” Drew told ne enthusiastically, I did love his passion for nature, though again my husband is much better at the nature stuff. I am a pastry Chef ask me about desserts and I am your woman, about why moss grows on trees and hello Google. Since Dad is unavailable, I step in and let him explore and see the world outside of the house and off the screen. It is just another half mile and it is on to the clearing. He starts to pull me hand a little harder I know he is excited. We pass under the tree I glance up and see the Fox again. Then we stop and see “Daddy home…… Name: Rachel Schneider Course: ENG 361 Date: 4/14/2020 Instructor: Debbie Graves One Week In Las Vegas The countdown started Friday at 2pm I got the week off from this thing I call a job (just over broke). The car was packed, it was time to hit the road. The traffic was average and climbing the Cajon Pass was not that bad. I stopped in Baker to have my favorite meal at Bob’s Big Boy, the chili spaghetti, no onions. After making my way back on the highway the traffic picked up going out of Baker, through to Primm and Stateline. I had to stop for gas at Whiskey Pete’s, so I also went in and got some snack goodies. My favorite trail mix and some cheese potato chips because vending machines are too expensive. The road was beckoning so off I went, traveling through Jean is always nice, not much to see. A prison, a few remaining casinos, some outbuildings, and a truck stop. There slogan was always fun 40 smiles closer than Vegas. You can get bored so be sure to pack some music you can have your own car concert. “I’ll face it with a grin I’m never giving in, on with the show” (Show Must Go on by Queen) Finally, the Vegas skyline is in sight, the lights are not on yet, but they will be needing to navigate around the strip. I do say a few words the terrible drivers. This vacation was so needed my job is crazy, my kids are older now and do not need mom around anymore. Off they went to grandma’s house and I booked the week at the Delano, it is attached to the Mandalay bay so perfect access to all the fun of the strip, and just enough luxury to not look cheap. Getting the valet to take the car I check into my genuinely nice room I have a great view of the Luxor light (that comes off the top of the hotel) and the Excalibur. Now off to indulge in that genuinely nice bathtub and get some overdue reading done. My bathroom with a view has the Luxor light and that is the brightest light on the Vegas strip it comes right out of the top of the Pyramid shaped hotel. A brightness of 42.3 billion candela, you could read a paper from 10 miles straight up if you wanted to. Once I was well soaked and finished with my chapters it was time to find something to eat besides my snack foods. After cruising the room service options, I settled on some Mexican food of chorizo and eggs with nice corn tortillas. That hit the spot so with the extra energy it was time to get out for a stroll of the property. The indoor pool is nice but small and I want to soak up the sunshine and get some exercise so I shall hit the outdoor pool tomorrow. Back in the lobby I grab those ads for things to do in the city so I can plan out the rest of my trip. There are thousands of things to do in Vegas. Do not be disappointed if you do not get everything done, that is what the next trip is for. I have a beautiful week and I want to have a good time and not have to wait for anybody, I can do what I want. I got those and cruised up through the lobby and toward the casino on my way there I saw a sign for a food and wine festival. With that guy Zac from the travel channel. Thinking hmm I did not know he was interested in food or wine. I went down and found my favorite penny slot game Lucky cat. After 15 minutes I came out putting 20 in and winning 500, so I called it a night and went to the bar to catch a hockey game and grab a fun fruity drink (I like tequila sunrise, (Tequila, grenadine, and cranberry juice). As I am rooting for the Golden Knights (local Vegas hockey team) I looked over to my left and there was Zac from the travel channel, and he likes hockey too this is awesome, and I am trying not to be a fan girl. The game was in intermission and the Knights were winning so it was time for a new fruity drink so this time I turned around to get back to the bar and bumped right into Zac, boy was my face red. After some apologies and an offer to buy my next fruity drink (a Strawberry Daiquiri) it was a yes and I spilled that I was a fan. He told me he does have an interest in food and wine not just chasing ghosts with his crew. We had some great conversation and when the game came back on, we both sat in the booth cheering the golden knights to their victory. Now I am buzzed and standing up was going to be fun, but Zac was a true gentleman and helped me to my feet. He offered to buy me dinner. The Taco Hut was a good place the tortillas were fresh, and the company was so cool. The conversation turned to food, wine, travel, and some stuff about me. The midnight hour rolled around, and Zac had an early morning, so we said goodnight, but he was staying one floor above me, so we agreed to go to the diner in the lobby for breakfast or brunch. At 10am I was enjoying my company and this great stick to your ribs breakfast (scrambled eggs, sausage, hash browns and some great watermelon) The food offerings in Vegas are so varied you can get everything from a hot dog and beer for 1.99 at the Orleans, to a 5-star meal at Caesar’s Palace the buffets are great too. Although sometimes you want a nice sit-down dinner. The conversation was effortless the attraction was deep. We made plans to see each other again after the food contest he was judging was over. Saying goodbye was a bit hard but the hand holding was sweet and made me feel like a schoolgirl again. After saying goodbye and I did watch him walk into the convention hall I went back to my room to plan out the rest of my day. I chose a tour of the Mob Museum, they say that Vegas was built with Mob money, but it was a Mormon founded town that later Hollywood discovered. Then many people in Hollywood who were well connected (such as East Coast mobsters) financed Bugsy Segal to build the Flamingo Hotel. As I was putting my shoes on, I got a knock on the room door and as I opened it, I got some flowers (pink roses) and an all-access pass to the food and wine festival courtesy of Zac. Let us just say the Mob Museum can wait for later I got to go to a food and wine festival and spend the rest of the week with Zac. “hi Zac thanks for the flowers it was sweet of you to remember.” He said, “It’s always right to remember a ladies flower preference because that’s the right thing to do.” Smiling the rest of the day I meet other travel channel celebrities and got to taste some great foods and many different wines. The food and wine offerings at the hotels and restaurants are varied, the Las Vegas area have become very international, so the varieties are endless. The week went by in a blur of food, wine, conversation, and some sweet dates. I never thought I would get over the break-up that happened the week before. Getting a private Vegas tour was something completely special. I did get to see the Mob Museum, Mandalay Bay Fine Art Museum, seven magic mountains, Pinball Hall of fame and a private dinner at the food and wine festival. My days in Vegas were down to one. We had reservations at Rivera right here at the Delano the view is amazing, the food is impressive with Italian and French offers. “I have had a wonderful time this week Zac thank you for mending my broken heart.” He looked at me for a minute and said, “it’s been a pleasure to get to know you and I would not mind visiting your hometown, you always have a reason to come back to Las Vegas. The next food and wine festival is around Christmas, this one will include chocolate.” Hitting the 15 early the next morning I have visions of Christmas, a pass to the food and wine festival, also a brand-new relationship to take back home with me. The End When writing a short story, you want to keep it from rambling and have enough details to keep it fresh. When your reader gets into the story you want them to feel like they are there with you, going to the food and wine festival, on that hike through the seven-mountains or touring the mob museum. The details are the thing to see and make sure to watch out for punctuation and common language. An average short story is within 6,00 words or 24 pages. If you wanted too you could go short-short story and that is between 500 and 2,00 words. That comes out to be 6 pages (Minot, Steven Ch. 7 pg. 41), talk about short stories. The story is all your length and style matter as much as how you want it to come into focus. Minot, Steven and Theil Daniel Three genres the writing of literary pose, poems and plays Ninth edition Pearson Publications 2012 Bouncing Dog Toy Emporium August 18,2019📷📷 24755 Holly Grove Way Brookings OR, 97415 Dear Dogs, Rule the World I am Rachel Schneider from the Bouncing Dog Toy Emporium we make extra bouncy dog toys for our furry friends. We investigated different marketing companies and choose you to do our direct to customer marketing. The way the website is set up the customers can get the product’s directly from you is easier than a multi-level marketing plan. The distribution of Bouncy Dog Toy will be a one level channel, we will provide the toys you market, and we sell them. I would like to get some videos of our company dogs Mac and Stella playing with the toys so you can post on the website. A link for the company can also be included so the consumers know where the toys came from, what they are made of and any other facts about Bouncing Dog Toy Emporium. Sincerely, Rachel V Schneider Mac and Stella company dogs and testers 📷 📷 📷📷 📷A sample of our products, our bounciest toys. Scott’s Story Part 1 I am Scott Thorn, and I am going back to WDU for the first time in 15 years, I went here for a year but after I came out as gay there really were no gay dudes. I am all men but yeah lesbians were all around some BI guys but no real gay dudes. I went back to the mainland and attended Preston University I majored in administration and minored in Literature. I did at one point in my life have a girlfriend and wanted to marry her, but I could not quash the gay lifestyle. That part of my life is over and now the old school offered me a counseling job, have not done this in a while. I get to help students toward there after college career. I sit here on this boat and keeping an eye on my 75 Triumph I have some nerves, but it is mostly about seeing this place again, so as the boat pulls up, I get my bike going and make a stop at my new on campus apartment. Its west facing because I like sunsets more than sunrise, so I did not know it needed so much work. I have some handy skills but a little at a time. The kitchen is decent and so is the bathroom. The floors will need some polish and the deck needs to be stained, this is a duplex, so I hope the neighbors are quiet. It is furnished and done nicely so I cannot complain too much, but back on the bike to see the Dean. I get my bike set with the kill switch and walk up the way to the Admin building, I am pretty much the only one dressed. I am wearing my good black jeans and my dress shirt, in my favorite color Maroon. I do remember this place was obsessed with sex so I will stick out wearing clothes, as I enter the building at least more admin people are dressed. Miss Grant the secretary shows me to my new office, its spacious much bigger that my last one at Preston where I shared a cubicle with another person. I have files from past students and current ones, so I started filing them when Dean Kane walks in, booty shorts and a tank top. “Welcome back to WDU Scott, we look forward to seeing you succeed you come very recommended.” I could hardly concentrate because this Dean was hung but I persevered and said, “Thank you sir I look forward to helping young students find there after WDU careers.” After he left, I had to get my rise to settle then I continued filing and looking through some files. Clarissa Love that was a name that got around even all the way to Preston. I think she does the Jax in the bedroom or something like that. I started looking around and thought I need some life in this office so I asked Miss Grant about decorating and she said I could do what I wanted but no painting, so I went to town and checked out a flea market. I found some pictures of the beaches of Canada, some old homes in the area and a few movie posters from Rocky horror Picture Show (it is my favorite). The flea market said they will deliver to the school tomorrow so I told them I will be there at 9am. Now with my day done I get to the store to buy some groceries and realize this place uses sextons and I was down to my last few, so now I will need to exchange but thankfully a bank is nearby so I can get some of my mainland money exchanged. I pull up to my new pad off load my few groceries and notice some other tenant left beer in the fridge, talk about luck. I got the beer went to the deck and watched the sunset over the sky. It was going to be new here, but I needed a fresh start after getting dumped and losing the job because my ex was in upper management, never will I do that again. I will find someone who does not work in the school system. After I ate a roast beef and cheddar sandwich for dinner, watched some cooking shows it was time for bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I heard the neighbors having sex. Oh, goody they are not quiet. hope they do not have super energy either. Tomorrow is my first full day and I have decorating to do, fantastic they stopped, that is the thing with us older people we do not fuck like bunnies anymore. As far as I know the neighbors are lesbians so who knows. Sample 1- If I try my hardest, I could muster up enough courage to ask the prettiest girl in school to prom. I had a suit; bolo tie and I will shine my old boots up. The thing is my courage is not as strong as my best friend Nick, now there is one brave dude who just asked the girl I wanted to go to prom with and of course she said yes. I gather myself close my locker and put on my best smile for them both. Nick and I high five and I hug her, trying to be genuine but it is hard. I head to my Social studies class and sit down next to Megan she looks at me with some concern I tell her what happened, she then asks me to Prom…... Sample 2-Wishing I did not have to be here I sit at the back of the funeral and think about my old high school principal. I grew up in a small town and everyone knew everyone, we only had one school and you went there for kindergarten through senior year. After my graduation I packed up my old car and headed out to what I thought was the real world. Living in a bigger city only helped spur my loneliness so who says you cannot come home again, well Mom for starters because I abandoned my family, I am not welcome at home ever again (so tired of her drama), so I am staying at Principal Mason’s house yes, the same principal that I am at a funeral for I held her hand as she lay there succumbing to cancer…… Sample 3-If you really want to get over a breakup getting back on the horse will help things along. I thought that too seven lousy dates ago so here I am on date number 8 and I am not seeing any birds singing or rainbows in the sky. He steps away to take a call he is a particularly important lawyer after all (I need to fix my picker) after he comes back, he says it go time the jury has come back so off he goes. I finish my drink and head back to my brownstone close by, I pass the new chocolate shop that just opened, and I get inside and see chocolate heaven. Looking around I do not see him at first but there he is my old college lab partner Sam I just saw a rainbow…….
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Since I'm probably going to abandon my save file due to an unfortunate event, I thought I just post the story of it here. Obviously this will end up in a very extreme wall of text - but if you are interested in such stories feel free to continue reading.
1.0. The Preparation
Last year in august I was planning on playing Elona(+) again, since it was around 9 years ago when I played vanilla Elona on its latest stable version. In 2010 I never made it far into the game, I wasn't even close to anywhere to 3 digit stats - but I was able to at least survive basic stuff and advanced very slowly until I stopped playing at some point. What I do not like if you can things permanently mess up which was one of the reasons I decided to play Elona+ instead of Elona this time as it appears Elona+ tries to avoid/reduce such things. I always went out without any pets 9 years ago as I think they pretty immediately died for me - and so I went on another petless journey again. My choice fell on an Eulderna Warmage since at the time I created the character it seemed to be the best choice for me with the extra magic resistance while not having any specific disadvantages. As feats I choosed some resistances and Exorcist to nullify being cursed on dreams as I remember 9 years ago on vanilla Elona this was a significant threat to me (however, now I would not choose this feat anymore since cursing items later in the game can be quite important - I wished this feat would just add a toggle special action like Dupli-Cane and Advanced Casting so you could enabled/disable this at any time).
1.1. The Beginnings
I started the game pretty casually on Essential Mode (I would have preferred a harder mode but I dislike loosing life/mana when the game/system crashes by accident) with the intention not to savescum. I was entering the wilderness around my house to improve my stats until I could survive basic enemies like a kobold. My playstyle mostly reflects of going melee-only and I'm not sure why I choosed a Warmage at this time - possibly I have read before that magic is pretty strong and decided to give it a try later - but I don't fully remember. I was exited about simple stuff like identifying things to permanently unlock their basic selling values to make more money. After around 1-2 hours it was time for looting the Puppy Cave to make more money and progress even further. I tried to improve my gear by getting some resistances and preferring glass gear for more speed. At some point I entered a pretty low danger level dungeon which was at this time pretty high for me. At the end was a level 8 or 9 Grudge which I don't remember anymore if I defeated him or not - but slowly I begun to get stronger. Progressing on this low level went a while while I was also using the Wiki on Fandom all the time to check all the details for the game mechanics out. At some point later I also gave magic a try. Seeing how the damage of a magic dart increased quite fast with its dices and damage value I thought at this time that magic is pretty overpowered and will easily outclass any melee.
1.2. The first accident
After some casual playing I achieved significant progress when I got enough medals to buy some artifacts in Miral and Garok's Workshop. With the I was able to do moderate amounts of damage (around ~200 at this time) and with the I had no issues with upcomming invisible creatures. Ironically I still had both items around the 800+ hours mark, since artifact items are usually pretty strong (especially in this game) even compared to random godly items and over the course of time you usually rarely progress with new random equipment in this game. At the end I was able to blast even level 50000+ monsters away with moderate ease which are all capped with all stats at 2000 - but more to my endgame build and what I all did later in this post. The next step was to progress with the story so I went for the 3 magic stones. When I approached Wynan on his chessboard he crushed 1 or 2 walls which stressed me out (which also happened later on some other locations) since on trying to fix this later it turned out this is not possible - as placing wall tiles with the Wall Creation spell or removing them to fix floor tiles will always result in a default wall/floor tile - making it impossible to create specific ones as I really wanted to preserve all the static areas in the game. I was a bit sad about it and hoped that in the future there would be a way to fix this - like a way to choose which wall/floor tiles to place; a janitor set that allows you to actually also design some static areas at some point; or some other solution. My savefile was now slighly messed up and I just continued - always hoping that I can just fix all messed up floors in the future but also knowing that this is extremely unlikely to happen.
1.3. Careful grinding
Meanwhile I also grinded for more Little Sisters and got more Hero Cheese to improve survivability - which was a slight mistake at this point since I was still in act 1 (as I planned later to add additional body parts). Farming for Little Sisters was quite a serious task too since I wanted to avoid killing a single one to avoid reducing the spawn rate of Big Daddies. As far as I know this is another thing where you can permanently mess your save file up if you make a mistake so initially I did always fully clear a floor before approaching a Big Daddy and then even walling him in with enough distance to avoid him smashing the walls as enemies can still spawn randomly if enough turns pass - eventually an enemy would have appeared otherwise exactly in the turn when the Little Sister spawns just to kill her and mess my save file up (when I was much stronger I did not wall them in anymore and from the ~350 Little Sisters that spawned not a single one died during my whole playtime). When I also progressed more in the story and met Alsapia in Lesimas floor 30 I think I had around 300 hit points but still died on my first try against her. The neverending progression just continued until I was strong enough to finish act 1. But before defeating Zeome I also wanted to finish some side quests which lead to an interetsing experience. Ungaga in the Minotaur's Nest did land a critical hit on me with his first strike, probably with a very high roll and I lost around 700 hit points and died. He never did any damage this close to me again on my future attempt so I guess I was just extremely unlucky here.
1.4. The museum and its difficulties
One thing until this point that bothered me a bit was the museum. I wanted to collect all cards and statues to show them in my museum but anyone who tried to seriously fill a museum probably knows the troubles. There is not enough space to place them all even if you extend the default floor and additional floors can't be created. Also there is no sane way to track which statues/cards you already have in your museum so I decided to just collect the statues/cards from unique NPC's and very later on I even begun to remove some cards as space still became very limited (if you want to make your museum look halfway good and not to fill every single possible tile). At the end this is good enough to reach rank 1 and get all the points to get more platinum coins but I think this is something that could get enhanced. Especially since adding support for multiple floors and linking them to the ranking is not difficult.
2.0. Getting strong
One of my goals was to get new body parts as fast as possible from doctor Gavela as I wanted to avoid loosing more life as neccessary from early farmed Hero Cheese (I think I only lost 1 extra life due to this but it was still a bit annoying). I got 2 additional hands and my setup (either it was a sword and shield or already dual-wielding) changed to quad-wielding with a living weapon (lightsabre), , and . I think at this time I did roughly around 1000 damage per hit - which didn't progress too significantly for me anymore over the course of the next few hundred hours. Also I did experiment with my living weapon a bit and did reset it a few times at Maile - but was a bit annoyed that instead of being a reset for its level/gained attributes instead all attributes that were even before leveling it up got deleted too (e.g. if you get a living weapon with a good invoke and want to reset its level the invoke will be gone forever). At least the attributes from the material kit could have been kept as for example in my case the lightning resistance from being a diamond lightsabre got deleted too - while it was still made of diamond after resetting. Reapplying another material kit (even if the same) fixes this issue but it still feels a bit annoying. One thing that I got curious later on was why all enemies got in some cases just 1 damage no matter what. It turned out that the chain intervalls the weapons do are actually a nerf for cases when enemies can't do something on too many turns of the player (like perma-stunning them and stopping the time too often). Once it reaches 200 all enemies are getting just 1 damage from any source - limiting the combination of dual-wielding and time-stopping (this is also one reason why you want to avoid spreading too much different damage types on weapons as every damage type counts as its own attack and adds 1 to the chain interval - making the enemies just faster resistant to your damage). At the end I went full darkness damage on my living weapon since it seems the most useful - it mostly prevents any physical and magical threats, is very easy to apply to any regular enemy that is not immune to blindness or has innate superb resistance to darkness (even capped out enemies), according to the wiki sticks usually a bit longer than confusion from mind or sound damage (and confusion has the disadvantage that enemies could spawn other enemies if they fail to cast a spell) and does not stunlock the enemy to avoid high chain intervalls.
2.1. Common work
Nothing too spectacular happened from here except casual grinding and when blewing up Palmia for the side-quest I forgot to check for other adventures - and of course pissed some of. I was now curious if they would ever come to my home and trying to burn it but this did never happen. Meanwhile I had a ranch with a fairy to get more Secret Experiences of Kumiromi - which did net me the one and other a few times during my gameplay. If I would have found them as often as Happy Beds dropped for me I would have possibly already nearly capped out all my feats - those beds really dropped like biscuits for me. I also had a shop and did put all the cooked food I got from killed enemies there. I also did sell miracle and godly equipment there that I found but had no use for it. Since I played this game casually and in a more or less RPG-like manner Isca was the shopkeeper. I also intentionally wasted a rod of wishing to give her the negotiation skill as I had not much interest to dig into gene engineering yet. As shop feats I choosed Asthetic Sense to get more money and Proprietary Sales to get even more money. I still assume the latter is responsible for a display bug: Every time the day ends and the summary is shown the first message is partially duplicated with some nonsense. It sorts of depends of the last tiles you have somehow encountered - but I do not know the exact details. It is kind of funny when the message claims Isca has put Palmia into my shop storage^^ Also I had a farm with nothing spectacular in it. Mainly I did put fruit trees in there that I sto... borrowed. I also had a bigger tree farm in my house which I used to produce juice so I had not to go to Noyel anymore every once in a while to farm some snow.
2.2. Making money
My Win-LVL increased while I played more - without knowing what this actually meant. Later on I figured out the number there (in the current version of Elona+ shown as "Proper" in your character sheet) is just the highest level of a dungeon boss you killed. It seems to affect the danger level of newly generated dungeons and quests. Additionaly the highest danger level you entered/cleared or such seems to also affect this (and can be reset at Maile while the first can't). I got into the ranges of level 150-200 dungeons and things begun to get harder. And some point (possibly a bit earlier or maybe even shortly after act 2 - I don't remember exactly when) I noticed all enemies have now a gauge bar. I had around 3000 hit points and a Flash Wyvern could remove half of them when its gauge bar got full. Also the god enemies like Atlas begun to show up. I remember that I killed an early one with several magic darts from the distance but it was still pretty dangerous. However, at this point I got quite some extra money as the gold piles are in the 5 digit ranges here. Later I noticed that it seems to cap at 50000 and even much higher dungeons seem on average to yield even less money. It sort of felt like the money values are sort of overflowing and thus lowering the average a bit until some even more higher danger levels again. If I was wrong or what exactly was going on here is still unknown to me. But with the extra money and the sold cooked food I was able to increase my Investment skill more and more - as it levels pretty fast. It was also my first skill that reached level 2000 and thus requiring me only a bit over 50000 gold to invest 50 more ranks on a shopkeeper. At the end of my gameplay my blackmarket shopkeeper is now rank 66000 - but it feels not better than like rank 5000. Either the improvement is here extremely slow, maybe with diminishing returns or I did already hit the softcap and there is no point in investing here anymore.
2.3. The AP-system
One thing I was already concerned when I was still in act 1 and that influenced my gameplay heavily was the AP mechanic as I think it can sort of mess up your save file too. Currently after 966 hours my AP are 2500 (8500) which is the highest minimum value for my build when you buy only the skills and prepare to swap to any skill without wanting to increase your AP further. If I would have gone for additional speed/life my AP value would now be even higher - while I can achieve those values even without investing the AP. This has the theoretical advantage that I'm as best as possible prepared if updates of Elona+ add stuff to the AP mechanic. Players who instead capped out their AP wouldn't be able to get any more of them and potentially locking out from new stuff and thus messing up their save file. Also the AP system favors to save your Speed Upper potions/Hermes Blood, etc. ideally after you have capped out the related stats with AP which I also disliked. I think a better approach to this part of the AP system would be to not bind the stat increases to the base stats - but instead applying them as an invisible buff. This way it would solve the problems above (but also result in a bit higher stats on endgame builds). It probably sounds stupid to many who read this - but whatever, I just progress without the stat increases and the journey continued.
2.4. Rejected from some gods
Additionally I also went every year to the Truce Ground and temporarily worshipped another god to make them spawn in november and getting the specific training-related artifact. Unfortunately there is a bug that prevented me to do this a few times. Even having more than just enough favor and praying at the Truce Ground resulted in around half of all cases the related god to not appear. I don't know what exactly causes this issue but my guess is that switching to a god too late might have an impact on this issue. Also I remember that I have seen another user here in the past that has claimed about this issue. I guess it is just rare and since the exact conditions are unknown I expect it not to be fixed soon - if at any point at all. My current approach was to not switch to a god later than september and so far my last summoning in november was successfull but I would have to test this further.
2.5. Improving my gear
Via the course of this grinding I also improved my gear. While randomly generated equipment very rarely improved my current equipment and too often even very early artifacts were very superior, all my equipment was hardened to +10 via a blacksmith and to +15 via stardusts. The new improvement was reforging their type and applying a more effective material kit on them. Since I wanted to balance stuff out most of my armor got a Dragon Scale material kit as it has a good improvement to DV and PV while also providing fire and cold resistance which is quite important to avoid item destruction in tricky cases ( I always carry a fireproof and coldproof blanket with me just in case. Too bad filling charges seems to be limited (even accross other items I think) to lower values than you can potentially buy (13 charges in case of blankets). Maybe it would be better if the cap of filling charges would be dependent on your Magic Device level - this would also make this skill a bit more useful. Also: Needs coldproof liquids!).
3.0. Becomming healthy
I finished act 2 at some point and got to a point where I noticed a significant EXP increase from enemies (panic/challenge quests; dungeon bosses; enemies in the Void floor 200+). For example a random spider in the Void floor 200+ gave me around 4 million EXP per kill. Since the EXP cap for levels is 100 million and every level gave me some hit points (in newer versions of Elona+ I now get hit points only every 4 levels - but around 4 times higher than before). My stats slowly crawled up - I think to around 300 - 400 on all main stats, ~100+ on most skills mostly due to travelling except the 2000 in Investment and some hundred levels in Lockpicking since I noticed troubles opening all those chests, safes and treasure balls on higher danger levels. However, the contents never seemed to get any better anymore despite requiring a more and more higher Lockpicking skill. I remember having seen the Skeleton Key once in the log after casting Oracle but unfortunately it was generated in the Void and the floor was already gone for a while. In all those 966 hours sadly I have never seen another generated Skeleton Key anymore (but tons of s - which unfortunately have no effect on Dimension Fishing - while it does even increase the Fishing skill, argh!). Much earlier I planned to keep all my spells up with my chacacter level - but stopped this approach on level 115. My main skills I used at this time (Magic Dart, Cure of Eris or Jua, Speed, Attribution Shield, Feather, Holy Shield, Holy Veil, Vanquish Hex), were around level 200+ - 300+. Too bad some spells do not increase with higher levels (except the spell stock cost reduction up to level 300) while still increasing in mana points. For example my Magic Map spell (on hour 966 with level 623) has never improved in revealing the map more with a single cast. I continued to farm some more levels to get more hit points and to get some more stat increases from some Ether Diseases I currently intentionally had (like hooves and feathers for more speed). My hit points reached values around 15000 - 30000 and my speed got around to a buffed value of 1100+ and my Win-LVL was around 1000.
3.1. A laboratory for all your plushies
From this point nothing too spectacular happened anymore. I slowly advanced in the Void, farmed Little Sisters and also fame in dungeons to make panic/challenge quests more worth, I did party time quests to get Music Tickets as well as hopefully finding a godly Casino Table and Pachisuro Machine. Also I advanced Leold's side quest in killing higher level monsters for even more music tickets and invested them into Hero Cheese for even more hit points. I also slowly killed more and more unique NPC's to get their statues for my museum. At some point I got tired power leveling my spells after I slept enough times so I decided to make my life a bit easier. I designed my dungeon to be a laboratory with cells for different types of enemies. One of the cells contains 2 Meshera Deltas, which do cast Silence on me all the time from their cell while I'm outside and out of their pyhsical reach. That process speeds up spell leveling very much as there are now no spell animations anymore. A bit earlier when I tried to get some Asuras in a cell I noticed later they were all gone. To solve the issue with depsawning monsters I just sandbaged them and only release them when I need them for training (and sandbag them again once I'm done).
3.2. Facing Death's aspirant
After this the progression went pretty fast. Mainly because I actually invested now platinum coins to train offensive skills (mainly Tactics, Dual Wield, Eye of Mind and Long Sword) to get much higher than the ~150+ skill levels they had. I also got additional levels from killing monsters - usually now 12 million - 13 million EXP per kill resulting in more hit points and some Hero Cheese from music tickets for even more hit points again. Around that time I also leveled 5 living weapons to level 10 with applying strength to them so I could temporary buff my strength to 1000+ as I wanted to get 1 of every altar in my home. Slowly my offensive skills evolved and I had around 60000 - 70000 hit points. Around this time I tried to kill Amurdad to get the as I planned to advance some stats later with a farm full of herbs. My first try on killing Amurdad resulted in that I could not get past his Super Regene healing and he drained my stamina up to a point where he could easily kill me. The grinding continued and my stats got higher, up to around 300+ - 400+ in said offensive skills and 150000+ hit points. That was sufficient enough to finally beat Amurdad to get the scissors. Now I have a farm with a Statue of Kumiromi, 72 planted herbs and 8 Kumiromi's Gem Stone of Rejuvenation. At this point Quad-Wielding with time-stopping felt very lacking as I had usually very high chain intervalls, too often now over 200 forcing me to wait a few turns. Since at this point I pretty much studied most of the Wiki on Fandom I wanted to try something else. The idea was 3 living weapons (all lightsabres (I think 1 was reforged) since living weapons at this stage of gameplay are pretty common) while leveling the first 2 lightsabres with nether damage up to level 10 and the last one to darkness damage up to level 10 and a shield for more defense. I also made the 2 lightsabres with nether damage super heavy (250s each) to cap out the critical damage even if the enemies wear heavy equipment. This turned out to be super useful as I did around 10000 - 15000 nether damage on most enemies per hit per sword which also healed me for this amount - around half the amount my Cure of Jua spell heals. A bit later I had also buffed around 1300 PV but the enemies still hit for 15000 - 30000 damage. I advanced my equipment to have a bit higher magic resistance and spellcasters barely were a threat now with the few thousand damage they did. The exception are water spells as they ignore any resistances causing also to do around 15000 - 30000 damage per hit. However, protecting against spellcasters was much more easy than protecting against physical attacks (mainly due to bosses you barely can blind). But I also had not actively trained Evasion yet - I planned this once I have more sandbags for Asuras.
3.3. The Escalation
Then the update happened that brought a cap of 100 to platinum coins and skill/spell points. Since I had accumulated over 3000 skill and spell points I waited for a specific training day and used Advanced Casting and then burned all my points into Swimming and... Wishing! Now with an equipped magaqua (as I never used one before as I wanted to train Swimming over time) and a Swimming skill quite over 1000 I achieved a buffed speed of around 2000 (while still having ~600 base speed). With my Gamma Shift Core I wished earlier for it is even around 2500 speed. My Traveling skill is only around 200 but this together makes me fast enough that it is not too hard capping out skill and spell points in a single ingame day - which is quite tricky since I want to use them only if I'm on a specific day to optimally boost my skills which requires me often to skip some days. At this point I wish I could just use the over 1000 Small Medals I have to just upgrade my "Magic Bag" to fit in more skill and spell points and platinum coins as at this stage of gameplay it is sort of required to play effectively. I got stronger and stronger and the enemies began to cap out their stats slowly at 2000. Every few enemies I have killed achieved the next goal of Leold's side quest and switching continents all the time, going to Leold, teleporting to the Craddle of Chaos, reading a Scroll of Escape and switching continents again was quite annoying. If doctor Gavela could borrow Leold and me just a Mobile Communication Equipment with integrated fax - then Leold could just fax me those Music Tickets every time I advance in the quest!^^ Since capped out enemies were less and less a threat I begun to beat higher dungeon bosses and getting a higher Win-LVL until I noticed bosses won't go here over level 8332. But there seem to be some exceptions. Once a Shade generated as dungeon boss and it was only level 6666 (I think it was not even generated as boss type) and at some point I got unnoticed a Win-LVL of 11110. I guess there is an exception that generates something at level 11110 - maybe it was the Putit Tank I encountered but I don't know. After this point the danger levels incremented about several thousands once I did beat a new higher one. Currently the highest danger levels I see are a bit over 100000. The mechanics in them are also quite interesting: It seems hidden passages (blocked by wall tiles) still scale in this high levels. When I just use 1 skill point to bring my Detection skill from 0% potential to 20% potential I get 20 levels at once (and 0% potential again) with one revealed hidden path. No matter how many more potential I put into (even 400%) I never get more than 20 levels at once - I guess this is the cap how many skill levels in general you can get at once. Luckily revealing a hidden path is still easy with 1000+ Detection on those high danger levels so it is not much of an issue. But my 100+ Disarm Trap skill has basically no effect anymore and so I trigger every trap I step on. Also opening up chests/safes/treasure balls with 1200+ Lock Picking results most in the time that the lock is beyond my skill. Too bad the loot in those containers seems to have already capped out around danger levels of 100+ and they are not more worth later on (but still much more difficult to open). I fear if danger levels have no cap and continue to grow exponentially I will see at some point a crash every time a dungeon with a too high danger level is being generated. Nice side-effects are that the gained fame is based on the danger level and your current fame causing me to get easily over 20000 fame per cleared dungeon (I'm currently around 700000 fame) and the panic/challenge quests cause now to generate monster levels around the danger levels I see resulting in getting over 60 million EXP per kill (I think I'm on the cap of 640000080 EXP).
3.4. An unfortunate event
However, today something bad happened. When I was creating some Cure Crystals on the Pot for Fusion to easily remove single Ether Diseases (since I want to keep some other) I did create 3 * 10 of them. This resulted in 30 Cure Crystals but only 19 Empty Bottles instead of the expected 30. Later I noticed that sadly some items in my house were gone. So I did hit the cap of 400 items and the creation of new items has caused a deletion. I actually thought the cap of 400 items is a soft cap and specific game mechanics can go temporary over them without causing troubles - I guess I was wrong. Too bad that actual item deletion this way is possible - and that the Cure Crystals and Empty Bottles have not been stacked. Initially I planned to stop continuing playing my save file due to this accident and just writing the story of my playthrough somewhere in hope it improves stuff (ideally this would reach out to Ano somehow but I doubt it). But on making a second look it looks like there is a specific pattern to the item deletion. All items that I confirm being gone had a very low base value and the important stuff seems to be still there. I just hope the stack of my current 114 artifact equipments has not been affected as checking and recovering them could be quite some work.
Future plans
Thats pretty much the story. I have a few plans what to do next once I should find the motivation to continue. One thing I noticed is that Yacatect's Banks are not a global storage - they are local on their own. And since it seems you get 10% interest after every 2400 hours the amount of gold would escalate at some point (up to the cap). It seems they are an easy way to get nearly an endless source of money if you setup your own terra-cotta armee with them. I'm also trying to figure out a way to mitigate Brainwashing as this is still a very significant threat. My hope is that enough mind resistance would make you immune against it. Another thing I experiemented with is trying out cursed equipment as an alternative but one piece causes already a huge health loss every few turns. Also I'm curious if enough magic resistance can make you immune to any hex from enemies with 2000+ casting. To test some of this stuff I probably would have to dig more into the artifact fusion system. I think if a randomly found item (like a godly one) has too many and too strong stats it counts more towards the artifact power - making it ironically more difficult to apply the wanted attributes later on it. This might be a reason why Ehekatls passive feat you can obtain might be counter-productive here and possibly needs another toggle. Also if my Casting/Literacy/Memorization skill is high enough I would consider reading some/all of my wishing spell books that I found and kept during the entire playthrough (I found 5 but read (and failed) 1 by accident when I spammed reading on all common books I found) to summon all gods and killing them. I also wanted to figure out if all the ...borrowed Holy Wells could be useful in the future too since it seems they still regenerate their charges. At least they are useful ranking up at the Thieves Guild really fast (with a sell value of over 60000). Werewolves are quite a problem too and I'm not sure if some towns just bugged out. Even killing all werewolves I found and duelling all werewolve detectives caused them to respawn (I have some towns with 2 detectives). I'm unsure how to fix this but my current plan was getting more s from going deeper into the Void (as duelling in Amur-Cage never dropped any more s for me) and then checking every person if they are still a werewolf.
Progress on hour 966
At the end I'm now on level 1121 with ~350000 HP and ~150000 MP. My main stats are around 600+ - 700+ with speed buffed to 2000+. The offensive skills like Tactics, Long Sword, etc. are around 500 - 800 and my current damage multiplier for every of my lightsabres is 71.5. Some stats posted earlier and the order of the story might be slightly inaccurate since this happened all over the course of a year and my memory is not perfect but mostly it should be pretty fine.
Some suggestions
The only thing I could list now would be a few things I would like to get enhanced in this game: - Obviously the item deletion issue that eventually caused me to delete my save file. - A way to better fix static areas as mentioned earlier above. - Other fixes to prevent messing up a save file, partially mentioned above too. Additionally for example if you kill all Old humankinds there seems to be no way to get them later. I'm also unsure where to recruit a if both in Rehmido have been destroyed. - I/O performance improvements. The overhead seems to be very high and is noticeable especially on a HDD. Examples of issues are frequent opening of menus (like opening gambling chests) and the Appearance selection menu. - Fixing the broken viewport (that on some resolutions some columns/rows can't be (partially) seen). For me if an enemy is on the top row I can't see him including his important gauge bar - which is quite an issue. - Better view on enemy bars. If they are behind a wall the gauge bar is not visible anymore which is also a big issue. - Support for user paths. It would be nice if the configuration file and save files would be saved into the user directory so upgrading the game would be possible in a more uncomplicated way. - Translations. - Fixing items not being liftable if your inventory is full even if the exact same item is in your inventory (e.g. you have an unidentified Scroll of Curse in all 3 variants in your inventory (blessed, normal, cursed) but you can't now pickup any other unidentified Scroll of Curse you find on the ground). - Better stacking support of items. For example catching Stray Cats with Monster Balls of different levels will prevent them being stackable (while the Monster Ball levels apparently play no role anymore). Items from vendors with different selling prices can't be stacked too since the price is determined due to the different base value. In this case it would be better if those items would have the same base value and instead get a (higher) buying multiplier directly from the vendor (even while this would have the disadvatage of lower (the normal ones) selling values of those items). The same material kits you get from Garok can't be stacked too for some reason (even if the color is reverted to the default with a bottle of dye #0). Debris of the same level can't be always stacked too as they generate with different colors (but applying a bottle of dye #0 can workaround this in that case). Also when Monster Balls capped out at level 200 in the past it was easy to stack them for example for catching all the Stray Cats and enemies Arasiel wants. Now it is harder to get Monster Balls of the same level for easy stacking. - A way to easily reduce stats even more (the might not be good enough anymore if you reach 2000 Traveling). Eventually it might make sense if you could somehow get negative stats too via the artifact fusion system (for example if the Scroll of Gain Attribute is cursed). - Immediate sprite update once you get brainwashed. - Stopping spammed idle actions (numpad 5) when you receive damage (like starving). In some other cases the game already stops some spammed actions so it would be more consistent. - If all windows would behave like Stained Glass Windows requiring you to put them into the wall tile instead. This would allow you to put 3 instead of only 2 items before the window before they turn into a bag and also it would avoid hovering the items up. - Fixing the bug that item sprites sometimes change temporary if you talk to somebody (e.g. a pile of items from a past quest reward sometimes turns into a bag when you talk to somebody and reverts back when you stop talking to somebody). - Named fruit trees so they are more easily distinguishable. - All the other things already mentioned in the story. There is probably so much more that I don't remember now but those should be the most important things I would like to get fixed/changed. But as sayed somewhere before: I doubt this will happen but at least I gave it a try and posted all my experiences with the game even if this post required quite many hours to create and check (I think around 6+ and now I'm tired, hopefully I did not miss too many gramatical spelling errors and typos). Edit: Fixed some typos and added headings for easier reading.
Every single Gex Line in Gex: Enter the Gecko (Re-upload due to formatting issue)
"Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!" '"It's tail time!"' '"YYYEEESSS!"' '"That's for 12 years of Full House!"' '"Now, that's what I call getting some tail."' '"All right! It's tail time!"' '"My tail's gonna kick your butt!"' '"Time to go postal!" (sounding like a robot)' '"Say hello to the floor!"' '"Put that in your pipe and smoke it."' '"I'm doing this for you!"' '"Gecko-chop baby yeah!"' '"Gecko-chop baby!"' '"Karate-chop!"' '"Watch me use my tail to kick your butt."' '"This is for Mr. Sinatra."' '"You're nothing see, you're nothing!"' '"I'll give you such a pinch!"' '"Move like a butterfly sting like a gecko!"' '"This is for all the angels in heaven."' '"Eat this!"' "File this under 'ouch'!" '"Judo-chop baby!"' '"Judo-chop baby yeah!"' "Watch me use my tail to kick your behind." "You mean I'm not 99.9% clean?" '"Are you after that old sandwich in my pocket?"' '"Hello there, my secret friend!"' '"I ain't gonna make!"' '"I got a mate!"' '"You are a secret frie"Mmmm... buttery." '"Tastes are licking and...ehhhhhhh we heard it."' '"Spock, load the tongue."' '"Burp!"' '"That's the sweet stuff darling."' '"Mmm... TVs instead of potatoes."' '"All right that's the spot."' "3 more I have the whole set!" '"Oh gimme, gimme, gimme!"' '"I'll take one of those, and some of these."' '"If this weren't a video game, I'd be on my way to prison!"' '"Sweet, like candy!"' '"Need it! Need it! Need it!"' '"For me! You shouldn't have!"' '"One for me and one for me!"' "Licking my way to the top!" '"A little tongue now, a lot of tail later."' '"Pardon my tongue darling."' '"Slip of the tongue."' '"Slip of the tongue! Mhmhmh."' '"Slip of the tongue, baby!"' "NOW CUT THAT OUT!" (Gex also says this quote in a somewhat high pitch) '"Warp core breach is imminent, Captain!"' '"Cut stunt gecko!"' '"You never knocked me down!"' '"Easy..." (angrily)' '"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pin cushion!"' '"Cut my eyes, I can't see!"' '"THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT!"' '"Um, that's not in the script..."' '"Must... regain... balance."' '"Uh, someone yell cut!"' '"Mental note: get a tetanus."' '"Body blow! Body blow!"' '"It hurts!"' "Someone yell 'Cut'!" '"Stunt gecko!"' '"Where's the stunt gecko?"' '"You never knocked me down!"' '"Easy..." (angrily)' '"NOW CUT THAT OUT!"' "Damn this pesky gravity!" '"Damn this pesky gravity to hell!"' '"Prepare to abandon ship."' '"If I were real this would hurt."' '"Mr. Wizard!"' '"Aaaaah!"' "Prepare to abandon ship." '"Geronimo."' '"Geronimo!"' '"Oh dear."' "They call him Flipper, Flipper." (singing) '"SHARK!!!!"' '"SHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK!!!"' '"Piranhas? What Piranhas?"' '"Piranhas? Huddle! Huddle! Huddle! Huddle! Huddle!"' "I hope my fake hip is rust-proof!" (in an old man's voice)' "Is it just me or am I ENGULFED IN FLAMES?!" "I'm flaming--in the manly way..." "FLAME ON!" "I am the god of hellfire!" "Pepto...Bismol!" "Indigestion!" "Flame on!" "I think I'm having a hot flush." "Indi...gestion!" "Pepto...Bismol "Woah." '"WOAH!"' '"ow."' '"OWOWOWOW!"' "Oh no, I'm too young to have a second childhood!" '"The government told me that these experiments were over!"' '"YOU'RE DESPICABLE!" (in a Daffy Duck like voice while commenting on the Daffy Duck costume)' '"Note to self: Don't drink tap water at Jerry Garcia's."' '"Note to self: Don't step on any brown mushy rocks!"' '"Note to self: Don't buy rocket sled made by ACME."' '"This is really about your father isn't it?"' '"Damn IRS!"' '"Will Cheech and/or Chong, report to the front desk!"' '"Hey! I feel like I'm trapped in Boy George's pants!"' '"Look, I just wanted a gift shop in the bathroom."' '"My inner child is coming out and it hurts!"' '"And remember kids, never buy a marvolay from a guy with a top hat."' '"This is like a luau at Mel Blanc's house!"' '"We're on the road to nowhere!" (singing)' '"Have fun storming the castle!" (when castle is encountered)' '"What did you flunk out of nasty camp?"' '"Ah to see the world as Keith Richards does."' '"Brought to you by up-Chuck Jones."' "Ah, to see the world as Keith Richards does." '"This is about your father, isn't it?"' '"Note to self: Don't step on any brown mushy rocks!"' '"I feel like I'm in Boy George's pants!"' '"Shouldn’t you be on a can of tuna?"' '"This is no time for cartoon jokers!"' '"That’s not all, folks!"' "Has anyone seen Carol-Anne in here?" (entering room with the DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT sign) "Bring out the gimp." (encountering floating skeleton) "Hey cutie." (encountering floating skeleton) "Hello pretty." (encountering floating skeleton) "Bring out your dead!" (encountering floating skeleton) "I understand the head throwing, but the dress?" (encountering floating skeleton) "Is your skull a metaphor?" (encountering floating skeleton) "Jimmy Hoffa, white courtesy phone, Jimmy Hoffa." (encountering floating skeleton) "You, my friend, have an eating disorder." (encountering floating skeleton) "Sorry Mr. Presley, hahaha not yet thanks." "The imperial fleet would never follow us in to a floating furniture field." (encountering floating furniture) "Well that's real scary guys, a floating toilet" (encountering floating furniture) "The odds of navigating a floating furniture field are 3327 to 1." (encountering floating furniture) "Pat, I'll take the floating chair for $200, and the rest on account?" (encountering floating furniture) "Well we met our panel (chuckles) walls... panels, heh..." (encountering wall monsters) "You moved the headstones, but you didn't move the bodies!" "What are you, Larry King's barber? Ha! Ha! You're alright!" (encountering frankenstein monster) "Nice haircut, when did we enlist" (encountering frankenstein monster) "Red Side Story auditions are down the hall." (encountering demented dolls) "And stab and kick and 2!" (encountering demented dolls) "Go stab someone your own size!" (encountering demented dolls) "Let me guess: your parents don't understand you." (encountering demented dolls) "Carrot Top, is that you" (encountering demented dolls) "West Side Story auditions are down the hall" (encountering demented dolls) "Benihana not hiring?" (encountering demented dolls) "Hmm yes, but can you make julienne fries?" (encountering demented dolls) "And stab, and kick, and two!" (encountering demented dolls) "Which one of you played Coco in Fame" (encountering demented dolls) "Do I ammuse you? Like a clown?" "I ain't afraid of no ghosts!" (in a scared voice) "Ugly is as Ugly does." "No! No! No! I wanted the pit there and the pendulum there!" "Reminds me of Halloween at Rip Taylor's." "Uh, hi, I'm here for the real-world interview?" "It beats the Matterhorn, what are you going to do?" "Who forgot to pay the gravity bill?" (encountering floating furniture) "This place is bigger than Drew Carey's bar tab." "Heeeeeeeere's Gexy!" "Welcome to Under This Old House." "Man, Hef has let his place go" "The ad says Beverly Hills adjacent." "I hate these low budget b-levels." "This house is now clean." "Today is a good day to die!" "Behind one of these doors is a brand new car!" "Don't take career advice from Joe Piscopo." "Redrum, Redrum!" "Reminds me of my bother's dorm room." "Axe in the chest for Scatman Crothers." "This is what Tim Burton thinks about when he's in the tub." "So this is never-never land, you'd never guess it from the outside." "FedEx for Roger Corman." "Lily, have you seen grandpa?" "The real estate wizardry of Tom Vu at work." "Welcome to the New York city mass transit system." "I am most certainly not in the vicinity of Kansas anymore." "You have the swan-like grace of a young Nixon." "Freddy, Jason; Jason, Freddy." "Believe me, you smell like I feel." "Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Arnold's acting coach." "Heeeeeeere's Gexy!" '"Now who would live in a room like this?"' '"This place is bigger than Oliver Reed's bar tab..."' '"Hey, the ad said Beverly Hills adjacent!"' '"I hate these low budget b-levels." "Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!" '"Hmmm.... www.dork.com!"' '"What is this? Outtakes from Deep Space 9!?"' '"How did I get in Bill Gates' head?" '"All this technology still can't explain why David Hasslehoff is so popular."' '"I love that guy. He's not housebroken."' '"This is like an all-nighter at Richard Simmons' house."' '"The only thing this place doesn't have is a baby gap."' '"All this technology so fat guys can hear Rush Limbaugh?"' '"All this technology and Shatner still can't get a good hairpiece."' '"Coming soon the Wizard of Oz 2000!"' '"I feel like I'm in the Wiz!"' '"Boys, Tron's not gonna work once. It's not gonna work twice!"' '"Ehhh! I should have become a Maytag repair man!"' '"Lady, I don't know who wired this for you, but none of this stuff is grounded."' '"Uh, lady, you gotta change your lint filter."' "Let's see.... www.dork.com!" '"How'd I get in Bill Gates' head?"' '"Boys, Tron didn't work once. It's not working twice!"' "Welcome to Jurassic Park, keep your eyes peeled for sleestaks and other bad special effects." '"In a land before time, when Saturday Night Live was funny."' '"WILMA!!!!"' '"I'll take 'Places I Can Burn To Death' for $100, Alex."' '"Marshall, Will, and Holly. On a routine expedition." (singing)' '"Add 1 million years, two white tigers and we're in Siegfried and Roy!"' '"One day soon, it'll be a smoke belching factory here!"' '"The difference between this and Hades is that there's no Kathy Lee Gifford."' '"Dr.Zaius, would an ape make a human doll that talks?!"' '"The natives will trade four of their women for the girl with the golden hair."' '"That's a spicy meatball."' '"GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!!!"' "And this is just one of the forty thousand rooms in Aaron Spelling's house!"' '"I haven't seen blasts like this since taco night at James Earl Jones' house."' '"OK who's job was it to mow the lawn?"' '"If Prince was a snail these would be his tracks."' '"There's a joke here about snail trails but I'm not gonna tell it."' '"Evolve or get out of my way pal!"' '"Hey it's my mother-in-law!"' "If this is the best they've got around here in six months we'll be running this planet"' '"Gecko shall not kill gecko!"' '"Soylent green is geckos!"' '"I should've come back here to fill my lava lamp hohoho!"' '"I am the lizard king, hear my roar!"' '"Memo to Gilligan. Try building a raft." (in an area with lava rafts)' '"A raft! How convenient! Those programmers think of everything." (in an area with lava rafts)' "Welcome to Jurassic Park" '"The natives will give you four of their women for the girl with the golden hair."' "My name is Caine, I seek water." '"I'm looking for the two small girls that sing for Mothra."' '"What's harder, getting through this level or divvying up the check?"' '"I'll beat this level but in an hour I'll be hungry for another."' '"I'm Tom Vu, you can be a millionaire!"' '"Dr. Jones, I'll never get all three Sankara Stones."' '"Ugh, where's Short Round when you need him?"' '"I'm lost in Dick Dale's colon."' '"I knew I shouldn't have hired Margaret Cho as my landscaper."' '"With the level six you get egg roll."' '"Ahh, ancient Chinese level."' '"Oh hoho no, not the Hellraiser box."' '"Yes I'm here to pick up my laundry."' '"This is going to be one expensive easter egg hunt" (when breaking vases)' '"Domo arigato Mr. digital roboto, domo."' '"Wax on, wax off."' '"Nice robe Mr. Hefner."' '"Come on Jake, it's Chinatown."' '"Yes I'm here to pick up my laundry."' '"Why yes I'm here to pick up my laundry."' '"You don't match the carpet and you have to go."' '"Ancient Chinese Secret, huh?"' '"Now listen to me grasshopper."' '"I'm having 'Nam flashbacks, and I wasn't even there!"' '"Waiter? Just box up the evil, I'll take it home."' '"Is this the Year of the Gecko?"' '"I'm looking for a man called Scaramanga."' '"Hmm, reminds me of Jackie Chan's bathroom."' '"So, this is where all the missing socks go."' '"Man, this place smells like ducks."' '"The things I do for Mooshoo..."' '"I'm the ultimate weapon, baby, yeah!"' '"Hi, I'm looking for the two small girls who sing for Mothra."' '"Akira to white courtesy phone, Akira to white courtesy phone."' '"Where's Shortround when you need him?"' '"Last time I was here, I was dressed as a woman. Yes!"' '"What's harder, getting through this level or digging up the check?"' '"Oh, great, the dream sequence from Brazil again."' '"Hey where's Tom Vu and the geishas?" ‘ "Waiter, just box up the evil and I'll take it home." "Captain, they are a bizarre alien race that find Adam Sandler funny." '"The princess is here in the detention level."' '"Has anyone seen Fox Mulder's sister?' '"There's a gecko on my tail, R2, see what you can do with it!"' '"First sign of an Ewok, I'm out of here."' '"Meet Gex gecko"' '"Screw the Force, who's got a grenade?"' '"I feel like a walking dutch oven."' '"I don't think that's good air."' '"Spock, can you read me?"' '"This is major Gex to ground control" ' '"We don't serve you kind in here!"' '"Are you related to the cartoon trash can at the movies?"' '"Are you fluent in gettin' your butt kicked?"' ''"You are unwise to lower your defenses.'"'' '"Alright boys, phasers on stun"' '"Tell me again the difference between the future and Las Vegas."' '"I knew Roswell would open up a casino."' '"Scotty, beam me into an Ivy League Sorority House."' '"Shouldn't I be wearing a lead apron?"' '"Well I guess this means I can't have children."' '"Two to beam up."' '"Keep the dribbles, I just want the quadrotriticale."' '"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"' '"Well, if it isn't Doctor Jellyfinger."' '"Is that a lightsaber are or you just happy to see me?"' '"I can't see a thing in this helmet."' '"Daddy wants air! Daddy wants air!"' '"Gexy wants new helmet! Gexy wants new helmet!"' '"This is radio 3 erect signing off."' '"Out of the way, Roseanne!"' "500 channels and still nothing on."' '"At least I'm not at the DMV."' '"Terminator? Phone call for a Mr. Terminator."' '"Welcome to the only thing more evil than IRS Headquarters."' '"So this is where they decided to change Coke."' '"Looks like we got a fly in the spider's web"' '"Screens up."' '"The horror!"' "Welcome to the only thing more evil than the Inland Revenue Headquarters." "And they said testing A-bombs on this island would have no effect." "Someone who is not me could stand to lose a few pounds." "I've got ten seconds to save the world." "Welcome to this week's episode of 'Touched By An Uncle'." '"All that work and I'm back where I started. It's just like college."' '"My god! This is New York! I lived here... Worked here."' "Dead fly martini. Shaken not stirred." '"I am the last gecko."' '"Gecko. Gex Gecko."' "This is the big one! I'm coming Elizabeth!" '"Ladies and gentlemen! The new Fall TV season!"' '"So this is New Jersey."' "Evening, Mr. Picasso!" '"To boldly go...I'm scared!"' '"Oh William please... Give me a sponge bath.
OVER BLACK: BLART (V.O.) The road of life is always under construction... FADE IN: SUNRISE.* (* fromthe first movie) BLART (V.O.) ... thejourney is hard, but once you reach the top, the view is amazing. Amy and Blart getting married.* BLART (V.O.) And that view is even more beautiful when you have someone to share it with... Blart and Amy DANCE ON SEGWAYSat their reception.* INT. BLART’S MOM’S FRONT DOORWAY - DAY22Blart opens the door and is handed a LETTER by a STERN MAN. BLART (V.O.) ...forsix days. INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - LATER33Blart sits in his Mom’s living room, holding the letter. She rubs his back as he CRIES HYSTERICALLY. BLART (V.O.) My beautiful wife of almost a week let me know by letter that she had, what I like to call “some regrets.” Her doctor called it, “uncontrollable vomiting.” Her lawyer... “dissolution of marriage.” He looks up at his Mom, cries a little more... and then RUNS out of the room. BLART (V.O.) That’s okay, I needed a little time to myself. Like the song says: I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me. (MORE) David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALSPE CONFIDENTIAL // That’s okay, when life knocks Page 2/88 you down, calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, “you hit like a small boy.” And... (then) At least I still had the one thing that never seemed to let me down... security. INT. WEST ORANGE PAVILLIONMALL - DAY3A3AWe see Blart at the mall, throwing himself into his work. He rides through the mall, UP-NODDING to passing customers. BLART (V.O.) I spent the next two years losing myself in the sweet escape of keeping the West Orange Pavilion Mall safe. Blart spies a SMALL CHILD who appears lost. He rolls up to him on the segway and takes his hand, leading him to find his mom. Seeing the MOM, Blart reunites her with the boy. The mom is overjoyed. MOMThank you! (then to boy) Now give the fake cop a hug Andy. Blart is flattered and leans in for the hug. Andy is having none of it. Blart goes in again -- nothing. MOM (CONT’D) (getting agitated) Andy... hug him. BLARTUh... he doesn’t want a hug that’s okay. Blart is now frozen in the hug lean position. MOM(still to son) You are embarrassing me. Blart back away and leans in one more time, but the kid just BELTS HIM and runs away. The mom runs after him. Blart awkwardly gets on his segway and rides away. BLART (V.O.) (CONT'D) Salmon (05/02/2014)2. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (V.0) And, on the home front... I always had Mom. Page 3/88 EXT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - MORNING44Mom, in a fuzzy bathrobe, walks out into the street... BLART’S MOMOh, here’s the paper. ...and is DRILLED by an old-fashioned MILK TRUCK. BLART (V.O.) That is until she got drilled by a milk truck. Didn’t know they even had those anymore. INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - DAY55Blart once again sits in his mom’s living room looking at a FRAMED PHOTO of his mom... CRYING, uncontrollably. Maya, who is now 19 years old, rubs his back. He once again gets up and RUNS out of the room. BLART (V.O.) Besides my Maya, it didn’t seem like I had very much to look forward to. // INT. BLART’S MOM’S HOUSE - MORNINGBlart once again sits in his mom’s living room looking at a FRAMED PHOTO of his mom... he begins to CRY, uncontrollably. In the picture, we see: His MOTHER standing in a sun dress and big, floppy CHURCH HAT, surrounded by AFRICAN HUNTERS on SAFARI in AFRICA. Salmon (05/02/2014)2A. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (V.O.) That is until her church group travelled to Africa, where she went on safari, and while snapping pictures, and getting a little too close, caught the business end of a Dicerosbicornis... a black rhino. Maya, who is now 19 years old, rubs his back. He once again gets up and RUNS out of the room. INT. WEST ORANGE PAVILLIONMALL - DAY66We see a melancholy Blart as he rides through the mall. BLART (V.O.) I guess I was the last one to get the memo -- Paul Blart had officially peaked... INT. DINING ROOM - DAY77Blart is opening mail at the table, he reads a LETTER that Page 4/88 has SECURITY OFFICERS TRADE ASSOCIATIONletterhead. INSERT LETTER: selected to join us for an all expense paid trip to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and Award ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada.” BLART (V.O.) ... orhad I? INT. MAYA’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS88Maya reads a different LETTER with UCLAletterhead. INSERT LETTER: accepted to the incoming freshman class.” BLART (O.S.) Maya! Come down here! I have some great news! MAYAMe too! Maya excitedly runs out of her room. INT. DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER99Maya bounds in. Blart can’t contain himself. Buff (04/30/2014)3. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTHoney... we’ve been invited to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo and Award ceremony, in LasVegas, Nevada! MAYAVegas? Wow! BLARTI think they’re finally recognizing me for getting the mall out of that jam. MAYAJam? Dad, you savedthe mall! They shouldhonor you. I’m so proud of you. Maya hugs him. BLARTThank you honey. Blart breaks the hug and then holds Maya by the shoulders. BLART (CONT’D) I’ll tell ya, times have been tough, but no matter what happens as long as I have you by my side, I’ll be okay. (then) Alright, enough about me... what’s Page 5/88 your great news? Maya realizes it’s not the time to tell her dad about UCLA. She secretly tucks the letter into her back pocket. MAYAYeah, umm... BLARTWell, c’monSweetie, you got me on pins and needles here. // yougot me on top of the roller coaster here. MAYAI just remembered that... we have left-over baked ziti. Blart stares blankly at Maya... Is he on to her? Then... BLART(even bigger smile) What a day!! // Weeeeee!! What a ride!! 4. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL The heroic MALL COP SCORE kicks in and we... CUT TO: CREDITS wiping behind the dented and worn SECURITY OFFICER 1010BADGE rotating through space. Finally settling on... TITLE: FLY-OVER1111The resort is bathed in golden sun, surrounded by the beautiful Las Vegas strip. EXT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - DAY1212Blart and Maya slam the trunk on their tiny RENTAL CAR. Blart, struggling with four bags of luggage, is dressed in tourist civvies and has a large laminated SECURITY OFFICERS TRADE ASSOCIATION EXPO pass hanging around his neck. A sweet faced valet, LANE (18), approaches. LANEMay I help with your bags, sir? BLARTNo, no. That’s how they get’cha. I’ll be fine on my own, thank you. LANENo problem, sir. Lane notices Maya and gives her a slight smile. Maya BLUSHES. INT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH ENTRANCE LOBBY - DAY1313Blart and Maya enter the spectacular lobby. Blart drops his bags in AWE. For Blart, this is like going to the SUPERBOWL. BLARTTake it in, cupcake... 400,000 square feet of casino and retail Page 6/88 space, sitting atop 215 luxurious acres... all protected by the finest security this side of the//Uh... I got nothin’. Top notch security though. // Mississip... andthe other side, actually. Both sides. (then) Welcome to the show. // Showtime. 5. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTYeah, I definitely would stand down for Robocop. DONNA ERICONEHe’s not real. BLARTNo, I knew that. Wow, glad I packed my dress whites. DONNA ERICONEGood thing. Just don’t tell anyone I told you. BLARTTell anyone what? DONNA ERICONEAbout the keynote -- (realizing) Oh, you got me... She punches Blart in the arm, hard. DONNA ERICONE (CONT’D) ... You done gone and gotme! I’ll see you tonight. BLARTRoger that, Officer Ericone. Donna exits. Blart turns to Maya, rubbing his arm. BLART (CONT’D) You were right princess... things just keep getting better. MAYA(feeling guilty) That’s great dad. An energized Blart strides up to a male RECEPTIONIST. BLARTYello-ha. RECEPTIONISTGood afternoon sir, welcome to the Wynn Resort. Blart hands him his ITINERARY. He reads it. Taps on his computer. BLARTChecking in. Page 7/88 7. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL RECEPTIONISTAbsolutely... Mr. Blart. BLARTMr. Blart... (chuckles to himself) I’m sure you were thrown by the travel wear. It’s actually Officer. People often forget there’s a human face to law enforcement. Maya’s horrified. RECEPTIONISTOh. Okay... sorry about that. (then) Oh, yes... “Officer” Blart, I see we have you in a partial mountain view and you requested a “bottomless” bowl of Peanut M&M’s... BLARTI didn’t... my doctor probably... it’s strictly medicinal. Unfortunately, I am cursed with hypo-glycemia. “The hidden hell.” Sugar level drops and so do I. RECEPTIONISTOkay. BLART(not letting it go) It is okay because... fun fact for ya... Author Stephen King and comedian Sinbad, // R&B diva Patty LaBellealso have hypo-glycemia. So, I’m in pretty good company. RECEPTIONISTOf course. (taps a few more keys) Ooh... I’m sorry, but your room isn’t ready yet. In fact, we don’t have you checking in until three. But you can leave your luggage and I will have it delivered to the room. MAYADad, I’m starving. Can we just get some lunch? BLARTWhoa! Hold the mayo. (to receptionist) Page 8/88 (MORE) 8. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL I’m sure you didn’t know this, uh... (reads name tag) Heath, but if you check the Grand ballroom and see what group’s booked there tonight, I think your tune might change a wee bit... The receptionist HITS A KEY, reads the screen. RECEPTIONISTMini-Kiss... the cover band. BLARTWow, they’re good. RECEPTIONISTYes, they are. BLARTYeah, I’m not with them. Is there a manager, I could talk to? RECEPTIONISTI’m sorry she’s not available right now. Blart makes a decision... SIGHS. BLARTAlright... I hate doing this. Blart reaches in his SHOULDER BAG. MAYAOh no, Dad... not the maga-- BLARTSorry dumplin’, got no choice. MAYA(to receptionist) Terrace Cafe open for lunch? RECEPTIONISTYes it is. MAYAI’m out. Maya goes. Blart drops the MAGAZINE on the counter and then with GREAT FANFARE turns it to face the receptionist and SLOWLY SLIDES it towards him. BLART (CONT'D) 9. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL RECEPTIONISTI’m sorry sir, what am I looking at? BLART“Perimeter Check,” the official trade journal of the security industry, Feb. ‘09. RECEPTIONISTDid you print this yourself? Page 9/88 BLARTAbsolutely not -- it’s published biannually. Big seller in Canada. (then) Take a gander at the inside of the back cover, I think it should clear things up. RECEPTIONIST(reading) “Say goodbye to toenail fungus...” BLARTOpposite page... toward the bottom. RECEPTIONIST : Oh. (then) Is that you? BLARTIt is. (leans in) This is not public information, but it seems I’m going to be delivering the keynote speech at the Security Officer convention, tonight. RECEPTIONIST(remembering) Oh you know, I think they cancelled that... (checks computer) Wup, no, they didn’t. But it was downsized to conference room “C”. Nope, “F.” The Receptionist retrieves a MAP, and opens it. RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) Okay, here’s a map of our property. Blart looks at it quickly and slides it back. 10. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTThank you. RECEPTIONISTNo, that’s yours to keep. BLARTDon’t need it. It’s been scanned. (re: It’s all in here. Locked and loaded. Time for lunch. Blart exits. After a beat: RECEPTIONISTSir, your daughter and the Page 10/88 restaurant are that way. He points in the opposite direction. BLARTYup... themap was upside down when I scanned it. Blart exits the other way. OMIT 1515INT. TERRACE CAFE / (EUROPEAN POOL) - DAY1616Blart arrives at an outdoor table to find Lane talking to Maya, who is already in the middle of an appetizer. LANEWas I lying about the conch fritters? MAYAYou were not! They’re amazing! With just the right amount of zip! LANEGotta love the zip! MAYAOh, I do... I was born to zip! LANEPut my hand up on my hip, whenI zip... MAYA...youzip, 11. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYA (CONT’D) ...we zip. LANE...we zip. They share a LAUGH. There’s obviously a little connection between them. Blart clocks this. Lane turns to him. LANE (CONT’D) Oh, you forgot your valet ticket sir. He hands Blart the TICKET and then turns back to Maya, smiles and exits. Maya blushes once again. Blart plops down and stares at Maya. MAYAWhat? BLARTYou were bornto zip? Since when do you use the word “zip?” MAYAI always use the word zip. BLARTI don’t like it. Hipster talk. Maya shakes her head. MAYALook, Dad... you’re gonnahave to get used to the fact that I’m a big girl now. BLARTOkay, first of all, we’re all big... we’re Blarts. Wide hips, thick ankles and a low center of Page 11/88 gravity, that’s how the good Lord made us. That’s why we’re so good at moving furniture. Blart pulls something from his pocket. It’s a MECHANICAL VIBRATING FORK. He begins to pick at the conch fritters. MAYAWhat is that? BLARTMy vibrating fork. It forces me eat slower. You think I eat fast at home? On vacation, I’m like a greyhound chasing a bunny. Blart takes a QUICK TWO BITES and it indeed VIBRATES and a RED LIGHT light FLASHES. 12. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (CONT’D) See? Blart waits for it to STOP vibrating, and the light to turn GREEN. He then takes another bite. This time slower. BLART (CONT’D) There we go. (quietly to himself) It’s just fuel. Just fuel. VOICE (O.S) Mr. Blart? Blart turns around WAY TOO FAST for the situation. BLARTSHANGHAI! But it’s only the smoking hot general manager, DIVINA MARTINEZ, who has two ROOM KEYS in her hand. DIVINAOh. Sorry to startle you, sir. BLARTIt’s okay, sometimes it’s just hard to turn off. // You hit the trip wire is all. Divina has no idea what he is talking about. DIVINAOkay. Well, I’m Divina Martinez, the hotel’s general manager. I wanted to apologize about the confusion regarding the convention and let you to know how happy we are to have your group staying with us. (beat) And good news -- I upgraded your Page 12/88 room. It has a view of the strip, it’s ready right now, and I wanted to give you the keys personally. Divina sets the keys down on the table and accidentally BRUSHES HER FINGERS against Blart’s. DIVINA (CONT’D) Oh, sorry about that. (having fun) Although, I must say you have very soft hands. Blart immediately reacts. 13. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTWhoa. Pump the brakes. // Whoa, pffffffffft... airbag! DIVINAExcuse me? BLARTI sense what you’re doing... (off her name tag) Divina. DIVINAWhat am I doing? BLARTTruthfully? Being a bit transparent. DIVINA(confused) I’m sorry. I don’t follow-- BLARTLook, I understand it’s the 21st century and a woman can go after hers just like a man. Maya is now dying a slow death. MAYADad, I really don’t think she was-- BLART(puts his hand up) This is grown-up stuff, tadpole. (back to Divina) Look, it takes two to tango and my dancing shoes are currently out for repair. DIVINASir... I’m sorry if I -- BLARTApology not needed, just know I’m working my way through a maze of personal fire and until the flames of chaos subside... I’m just not ready for public consumption. Divina decides it’s best to just let the customer be right. Page 13/88 DIVINAUm... I understand, sir. Have a great stay. 14. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Divina walks off. BLART(to Maya) It’s not just me, right? She was relentless. Divina, still totally confused, turns back to look one more time. EXT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - CONTINUOUS 1717A custom Harley Davidson MOTORCYCLE blows into the valet area and comes to a stop. The rider takes off his helmet to reveal... EDUARDO FURTILLO, HEAD OF SECURITY for the Wynn Resort and Casino. He is immaculately dressed in a GREY SUIT, with an EAR PIECE inconspicuously tucked into his collar. Two AGENTS from Casino Security join his side as Eduardo confidently enters the hotel. One wears a BLACK SUIT, AGENT PARSONS The other wears a PURPLE SUIT (like the one Henkwore,) this is AGENT JENKINS. EXT. TERRACE CAFE (EUROPEAN POOL) - MOMENTS LATER1818Divina stands there, lost in thought. Eduardo strides up. EDUARDO : Hola, mi amor. Divina, still a tad thrown, gives Eduardo a little kiss. He senses something is off. EDUARDO (CONT’D) What troubles you, my pet? DIVINAI just had the strangest exchange with that guy over there. Divina points to Blart. P.O.V: EDUARDOEl Gordo? DIVINA(this is absurd) Yeah -- he accused me of hitting on him. 15. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow Page 14/88 SPE CONFIDENTIAL EDUARDO(chuckles) Funny -- they say overweight people use humor to achieve affection. DIVINAYou know what? Okay, yes -- I also heard that. // -- that makes sense. They share a laugh, as they both look at Blart. P.O.V: VIBRATING and the LIGHT to turn off. A VIP RECEPTIONIST arrives and clears her throat. VIP RECEPTIONISTExcuse me, Ms. Martinez, our VIP guest has arrived. INT. WYNN VIP RECEPTION AREA - MOMENTS LATER1919Divina and Eduardo enter. Divina extends her hand to... VINCENT SOFEL, 40’s, TWO DIFFERENT COLORED EYES, a three piece suit, sits in a chair, sipping an espresso. A BRIEFCASE sits at his feet. Behind him is ROBINSON, mid 30’s, African American and Vincent’s bodyguard, SCOTT, tall, black suit. Vincent stands. DIVINAWelcome back to the Wynn, Mr. Sofel. We have the accommodations you requested all ready for you. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call either myself or our head of security, Mr. Furtillo. Divina points to Eduardo, who nods. VINCENTYou guys took me for a lot of money on my last visit. DIVINAWell, I hope you’re able to turn that around this time. Vincent smirks. VINCENTOh, I plan to. 16. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM -- LATER2020Blart finishes unpacking and notices that there is one QUEENSIZE BED and one folded ROLL AWAY. He calls to Maya. BLARTI don’t know how this is an upgrade. You take the bed, I’ll Page 15/88 take the roll away. MAYA (O.S.) Dad, this is your convention, you can’t sleep on the roll away. BLARTI certainly can. I once fell asleep in a hurdler’s stretch. // climbinga fence. // rakingleaves. // duringa snowball fight. MAYA (O.S.) We’ll figure it out later. I gotta get going. Maya comes out wearing a ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT, with puffy flowers. She’s holding her beach bag, and heads for the door. Blart panics... BLARTWhoaaa, okay, thanks for telling me, Victoria’s secret! (averts his eyes) What do you think you’re wearing young lady? MAYAUm, a bathing suit? BLARTMaybe for an elf // maybe for a cabbage patch doll... how about leaving a little to the imagination. // leavinga little for your wedding night. MAYAI was going to hang out by the pool. BLARTNot in that. Maya rolls her eyes, grabs a COVER UP and puts it over her bathing suit. MAYAFine. Then I’m going exploring. 17. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Maya starts for the door. BLARTHold up. You got your extra phone battery? MAYAYup. BLARTFlashlight? MAYAAlways. BLARTHot pepper spray? MAYACheck. BLARTPocket knife-key chain, window Page 16/88 smasher? MAYAI do. BLARTBaby road flares? MAYAYes! I’ve got it all! Finally, Blart produces a small consumer WALKIETALKIE. BLARTHere take this. It’s set to monitor, so I can hear everything that’s going on. MAYANo way -- I already feel like a SWAT unit! BLARTMaya, security is a mission, not an intermission. Blart looks long at Maya, until this sinks in... Yellow (04/22/2014)18. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLART (CONT’D) Okay. Head on a swivel. She exits. INT. WYNN PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - DAY - HIGH CEILING2121We are in a beautiful, two story suite. There is a flurry of activity as several people (NADIA, CARLOS, KIRA, and Scott) move DIFFERENT SIZE WOODEN CRATES into the suite. Vincent hands Robinson the BRIEFCASE he’s been carrying. Robinson opens it and places it on the coffee table. He then unfolds three pencil-thin COMPUTER MONITORS from the case, revealing a KEYBOARD. We see that the briefcase has now become an elaborate COMPUTER SYSTEM. Robinson looks impressed. Vincent leans over Robinson’s shoulder. VINCENTLet’s see if I bankrolled the right NSA agent. Robinson hits a few keystrokes, then a PASSWORD and we see that he’s hacked into the entire Wynn surveillance system. ROBINSONHow’s that? VINCENTSo far, so good. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. All activity stops dead. Scott pulls a SILENCED PISTOL, puts it behind his back and opens the door. A Wynn security agent, HENK, enters. He wears the signature WYNN, PURPLE SUIT with a NAME TAG and an EAR BUD. HENKWe had a complaint about the noise. Page 17/88 Robinson stands and approaches the security guard. He looks him up and down for a tense beat, then... ROBINSONThat’s why we have you. Vincent steps up. VINCENTI gotta say Henk, -- nice uniform. 19. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL And Henk, the fake security agent, smiles wide. HENKYou don’t want to know what it took to get the real deal. VINCENTI don’t -- The activity once again starts. Henkwinks and... HENKGotta get back to keeping the Wynn Resort safe. Henkshuts the door behind him. Nadia, the art expert, holds up her phone as she approaches Vincent. NADIAThey’ve moved several of the pieces in the last few days. Here’s the new locations of all thirteen. On the screen is a hi-tech “3DRENDERING” of the entire hotel with RED DOTS marking the locations of the art. She hits send on her phone. Vincent then gathers his troops. VINCENTPerfect. I want to be in and out in less than nine hours people. Robinson holds up his phone next to Vincent’s, a timer is CLICKING DOWN from 9:00:00... 8:59:59... 8:59:58, etc. Robinson hits a BUTTON and the TIMER on Vincent’s phone perfectly syncs up. We now see the crew start to change their clothes into Wynn “EMPLOYEES: Even Robinson puts on a PURPLE security coat and EAR PIECE. INT. WYNN CASINO (ENCORE CASINO) - DAY2222Blart strolls through the casino, when he hears an ERUPTION of CHEERS at a nearby CRAPS TABLE. He weaves his way over. BLART(to gambler) What’s all the hoopla friend? GAMBLER # 1(re: This guy’s crushing! I’m literally running out of room for my chips! Page 18/88 20. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL WAITRESSIt’s complimentary, sir. BLART(keeps getting better) Complimentary? (signaling for all) Then root beers around the horn! She stares at him. BLART (CONT’D) (sotto) Just one. She exits. BLART (CONT’D) I have never felt more alive! The High Roller THROWS the dice. CRAPS DEALERSeven! Craps! A HUGE GROAN from the crowd. Gambler # 1 GLARES at Blart. GAMBLER # 1Boo. The dealer turns to Blart. CRAPS DEALERYou lost everythingBLARTBut, don’t I get -- CRAPS DEALEREverything. Devastated, Blart stares straight ahead and slowly backs away from the table. Just then his complimentary ROOT BEER arrives. Blart blankly grabs the mug, CHUGS the entire thing and slowly walks away in a daze. EXT. WYNN SOUTH ENTRANCE LOBBY - DAY2323Still stung, Blart walks through the lobby when he sees Maya talking to Lane at the Valet stand! He stealthily makes his way to get a better look, when Maya notices him. Busted, Blart tries to get away but he just slams into a LUGGAGE CART. 22. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. WYNN HOTEL SOUTH VALET AREA - CONTINUOUS23A23ALane notice Blart, struggling with the luggage cart. LANEHey, is that your dad? MAYAI wish I could say “no” right now. Page 19/88 (then) I’ll be right back. Maya leaves and approaches Blart. MAYA (CONT’D) Dad, are you spying on me? BLARTSpying? No, I’m -- I just wanted you to know something... MAYAWhat? Beat. Thinks. BLARTThe door to safety swings on common sense. MAYAGo. Please. BLARTMaya. MAYADad! You are embarrassing me. BLART(heartbroken) Sorry you feel that way. I’ll leave you alone. MAYAPlease. Maya returns to talk to Lane, as Blart walks away, crushed. Just then, Blart is approached by SAUL GUNDERMUTT, a poorly dressed man with a mouthful of huge VENEERS, a thick Afro of RED HAIR and sporting large GOLD FRAMED EYE GLASSES. 23. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SAUL GUNDERMUTTBlart. Saul Gundermutt, head of the Security Officers Trade Association. I catch you at a bad time? BLART(recovering) No, no, it’s a pleasure, sir. SAUL GUNDERMUTTPleasure’s mine and I just want you to know, I got you sitting at my table tonight. Blart can barely contain himself. This confirms it! BLARTWow, I’m just so excited. I heard rumblings.... Saul looks CONFUSED. SAUL GUNDERMUTTRumblings? BLART(leading) About the keynote... SAUL GUNDERMUTTOh... with good reason -- NickPanero’sgiving it. Great guy. Great guard. Page 20/88 Blart looks gut punched. He quickly tries to cover. BLARTYeah, no. NickPanero. Those were the rumblings. That’s terrific. That is SO good. (then) Love to meet him sometime... pick his brain... SAUL GUNDERMUTTLooks like your lucky day, here he comes. Saul nods in the direction of.... Officer NICKPANERO, 40’s, GOOFY, JITTERY wearing a MALL OF MIAMI T-SHIRT, and Officer GINO CHIZETTI, 50’s, wearing an ill-fitting TANK TOP. They approach Blart. Pink (04/21/2014)24. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT’D) Blart. Officer NickPaneroand Officer Gino Chizetti. BLARTOfficer Manero. Nice to-- NICKPANEROHold the applesauce, hot shot. I heard‘ayou. Rumor has it, you thought youwere giving the keynote tonight. (turns to Chizetti) He thought he was giving it. GINO CHIZETTIYou thought you were giving it? BLART(covering) No. I didn’t -- NICKPANEROMan. You gotta stop bringing up that Black Friday thing, Blart. It was six years ago. GINO CHIZETTIGotta let it go. BLART(confused) I never brought up Black Friday. GINO CHIZETTIYa did... ya just did. SAUL GUNDERMUTTActually, the Black Friday thing’s why you’re here, Paul. BLARTHmm? SAUL GUNDERMUTTTo show some appreciation. Let you check out the latest in security technology and sit at the table of honor when Nick gives the keynote. Page 21/88 BLARTAnd what an honor it is. (to Nick) I’m sorry, what did you do again? Pink (04/21/2014)25. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL NICKPANERO(incredulous) What’dI do? GINO CHIZETTI(incredulous) What’dhe do? NICKPANEROLast year I thwarted a ring of frozen yogurt thieves. You know those punch cards where if you hit a certain amount you get a free yogurt? BLARTSure. SAUL GUNDERMUTTWe got ‘em in the mid west. NICKPANEROWell, these animals made their own hole-punch, and next thing you know the place is hemorrhagingyogurt. I had no choice but to take ‘em down. GINO CHIZETTITake ‘em down. NICKPANERO(to Chizetti) You gotta stop that. GINO CHIZETTIYup. SAUL GUNDERMUTTPretty impressive, huh? BLARTYeah, bad day to be a yogurt thief. NICKPANEROThat’s right, slingshot. Well, no hard feelings. Tell you what. After I bring down the house tonight... Chizetti and I’ll take you out for a cold one. BLART(through the pain) I don’t drink. That’s when a Segway EMPLOYEE rides behind them and pulls up to a Segway RENTAL KIOSK. Pink (04/21/2014)26. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Blart’s eyes GO WIDE. Gino Chizetti leans in... GINO CHIZETTIHeard you’re pretty good on one of Page 22/88 those. BLARTI’ve been known to dabble. Blart jumps on the Segway... BLART (CONT’D) (trying to appear humble) I really shouldn’t. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEActually sir, you can’t. I would need a valid driver’s license if you want to take it for a test drive. Blart holds his LAMINATE in front of his face. BLARTI think if you peep the laminate, you’ll see I’m all access. Let me just nudge her out of whisper mode. Blart hits a BUTTON and the Segway gives off an acceptance CHIRP. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEOkay, well I see you know your way around a p133. BLARTI do, but this old gal’s a bit tired... I have a modified i2commuter myself. SEGWAY EMPLOYEEWow, that’s really cool... still gonnaneed a valid license though. Blart easily does a couple of quick moves. Growing in confidence... BLART(re: Whoa... THAT just took place. // Whoa... THAT was valid. SEGWAY EMPLOYEESir, please be careful. It’s about weight distribution. Make sure both hands are firmly on the grips. 27. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL BLARTOh, really? So I’m guessing you wouldn’t want me to do THIS! Blart takes BOTH HANDS off the Segway and leans forward taking off towards the Valet stand and Maya. Blart WINKS at Maya, she’s horrified. MAYAPlease don’t... Blart aggressively executes a series of impressive, ONE-ARMED SPIN MOVES, gaining speed and confidence. Blart takes off BACKWARDS into the driveway. Page 23/88 The crowd is impressed, until a SHUTTLE VAN pulls up and everyone GASPS... It’s going to DRILL Blart... But NO! Blart pulls off the move of the century and avoids certain disaster!! Just as he looks over to the impressed crowd and cracks a sly smile... he backs the Segway directly into a moving CONVERTIBLE! Blart back flips into the back seat and the car pulls away. Maya’s mortified. Lane is stunned. After a beat... LANEWell, I better get back to work. I’m off in a half hour. Maybe I’ll see you around. MAYAI’d like that. As Blart drunk-walks his way back into the valet area... BLART(mumbling) Shuttle van...// Still got the laminate... INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM - AFTERNOON2424Blart, still in pain, lays on the ROLL AWAY. Maya enters from the bathroom wearing a Wynn robe. BLARTLottafun today... great fun! MAYADad, you okay? You should really get checked out. 28. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Blart musters the courage to tell her. BLARTPumpkin, my body’s fine... it’s my ego that took a hit. Turns out I’m not giving the keynote tonight. Maya feels terrible. MAYAWell you know what? You should call a cop, because you got robbed. BLARTThanks kitten... but technically I wouldn’t need a cop -- MAYAIt’s a figure of speech, daddy. BLART : I know, it’s just, cops think they’re all that. Don’t like it. Do not... like it. Blart checks his WATCH. BLART (CONT’D) Page 24/88 Whoa, we got a meet-and-greet in fifteen... we should get a move on. Blart painfully gets off the roll away. MAYAAs exciting as that sounds, I think I’m just gonnatake a bath and a nap. I’m kindatired. BLART(a bit hurt) Sure. Right. You should get some rest. (beat) I’ll come back to get you for dinner at Bartolotta. We have reservations at six. It’s supposed to be the real deal. MAYA(short) Gotcha. Blart deflates, opens the door. MAYA (CONT’D) Hey dad... Yellow (04/22/2014)29. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYA (CONT’D) Sorry about the speech. I’ll see you later. I love you. She gives Blart a KISS and heads into the bathroom. He can’t help but SMILE. EXT. EUROPEAN POOL/ CABANA BAR - AFTERNOON2525Blart stands with Gino and Donna listening to Nick. They all hold FRUITY DRINKS. NICKPANEROSo I got this one kid against the wall and I turn to the other and say, “hand over the yogurt.” It was over that fast. Lights out. GINO CHIZETTILights out. (turns to Blart) Hey, how much you pay for your belt? BLART(confused) Um... I don’t know it was a gift. GINO CHIZETTIYou gotta guy? ‘Cause I gotta guy. Page 25/88 BLARTA belt guy? No, I don’t have a belt guy. Just then an older, Indian man, KHAN MUBI, joins the group. As he greets each one of them, he HUGS them... KHAN MUBIKhan Mubi. Nice to meet. (hug) Khan Mubi. Nice to meet. (hug) Khan Mubi. Nice to meet. Blart takes the hug. BLARTThank you. It’s been one heck of a day. That embrace helped. Khan pulls Blart in for ANOTHER hug. BLART (CONT’D) Yup. First one warmed me up... but this one brought it home. Pink (04/21/2014)30. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL Khan releases the hug. BLART (CONT’D) We should probably go... They all make their way into the... INT. ENCORE CONVENTION HALL - MOMENTS LATER2626Where many KIOSKS are set up under banners...“NON-LETHAL WEAPONS... ETC.” Blart is impressed. BLARTWow... INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE BATHROOM - SAME2727Maya lights a CANDLE and sets it on the edge of the tub. She takes out her acceptance letter, sits and reads it again. She is interrupted by her phone BEEPING. It’s a text from Lane. ON SCREEN: EXT. WYNN ASIAN SCULPTURE HALLWAY - SAME2828An incredible ASIAN SCULPTURE is being admired by two TOURISTS. Nearby, an attractive WOMAN drops her PURSE, scattering her belongings onto the floor. We’ve seen her before in the presidential suite, her name is Kira. KIRAOh, no! As soon as the tourists move over to help her, Robinson, dressed as purple coated security, takes out a REPLICA DOME and hits “play.” Page 26/88 ON SCREEN: He quickly moves under the SECURITY CAMERA and ATTACHES the replica dome, so it’s broadcasting what’s playing in a 360 degree field of view. He then holds out what looks like a hand held metal detector. A BLUE LIGHT emits from the device and SCANS the glass case. A light on the back of the device turns GREEN. Robinson then NODS to Kira. She nods back and Robinson moves off. 31. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL INT. ENCORE CONVENTION HALL "F" - SAME2929Blart, Khan, Gino and Donna move to the first kiosk where REP #1 lifts up what looks like a SAWED OFF SHOTGUN. Nick heads off in a different direction. REP #1I’d like to introduce you to “The Big Sticky Mess,” a sawed off shotgun that shoots glue foam. You get this on you and it’s stickier than a work shoe in an IHOPbathroom. The group moves to the NEXT KIOSK: Blart greets REP #2. BLARTWhat’s the latest, friend? REP #2Marbles... you release this tie, and two hundred marbles are at your disposal. It’s your best answer to crowd control. You can’t run with these under your feet. Heck, you can’t even stand. THE NEXT KIOSK: BLARTFlashlight? REP #3Nope. The VitruSonic Taser. Renders your assailant incapacitated for five seconds at a time. The group walks along, when Blart notices... THE KIOSK ACROSS THE WAY: Saul Gundermutt attends to a large CURTAINED BOX. Blart drifts away from the group and up to Saul. SAUL GUNDERMUTTHey Paul. BLARTHey Saul. What’chagot there? Page 27/88 SAUL GUNDERMUTTIt’s getting revealed tomorrow at the luncheon. It’s a prototype. Not supposed to show anybody. (looks around) (MORE) 32. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL But since you’re into gyroperformance vehicles.... takea gander. Saul peels back the curtain. We don’t see what Blart sees. SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT’D) Things will never be the same. Blart is shaken to the core. NEXT KIOSK: rejoins the group. REP #4When it’s time to make them pay the price, reach for “The Finisher,” * the most effective, non-lethal bean bag firearm on the market. The officers are impressed. The Rep turns to Blart. REP #4 (CONT’D) Why don’t you take her for a spin. BLARTMe? Um... sure. The Rep hands the gun to Blart who takes careful aim. There are FOUR TARGETS set up. Blart fires off four quick shots... MISS. MISS. MISS. MISS. We hear a CHUCKLE off screen. The group turns to reveal... Eduardo, Agent Parsons (black coat) and Agent Jenkins (purple coat). EDUARDOPaul Blart, Mall Cop. BLARTYes sir. EDUARDOEduardo Furtillo, Headof Security for the Wynn Resort and Casino.. BLARTOh, nice to meet a fellow brother in arms. (then, to his group) Fun fact for ya. You may notice that Mr. Furtillo here, being the head of security is in a grey coat. While... I’m sorry son, I didn’t Page 28/88 get your name. SAUL GUNDERMUTT (CONT'D) Cherry (05/13/2014)33. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL The security agent next to Eduardo speaks. AGENT JENKINSJenkins. BLARTWhile Jenkins here is wearing a purple coat. See, they have a hierarchy of coat colors based on their security responsibilities... Grey, black, pine, and then finally... purple. (to Jenkins) Sorry. No offense. AGENT JENKINSYou’re wearing a polyestershirt with spanxunderneath. BLARTYep. Good catch. // Today I am... yes. (then, to Eduardo) By the way, as a professional courtesy, happy to keep my eyes peeled for any irregularities while I’m here. JENKINSOh, I think we’re good. BLARTYou’re great, the best -- just honoring the code of the badge. If you’re ever in my barn, I hope you’d do the same. EDUARDO(to Jenkins) He’s adorable, right? Jenkins and Parsons share a laugh. EDUARDO (CONT’D) (back to Blart) I see you admiring the “non lethals”. Guess they don’t trust you with the real stuff. I mean what are you really “guarding” anyway? Cell phone covers and Cinnabon? BLARTWell, there’s also three ATM’s and a Dave and Buster’s, so -- Pink (04/21/2014)34. Page 29/88 David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL EDUARDOHey. (motions to Blart) Closer. Gonna let you in on a little secret. Since I was named head of security five years ago, we have not had so much as a towel go missing. The Wynn hotel is the most secure place in the entire world. Without breaking eye contact, Eduardo GRABS the bean bag gun and fires off FOUR SHOTS with one hand, KNOCKING DOWN all four targets. EDUARDO (CONT’D) We don’t need your help, amateur hour. But please, have fun at your little get together tonight. Eduardo drops the bean bag gun and walks away. Blart turns to the group. BLARTWow, that was impressive. And is it me, or did he smell like tobacco and vanilla? INT. WYNN BASIC SINGLE ROOM - AFTERNOON3030Blart enters his hotel room. BLARMaya... you still in the bath? (knocks on door) Sunshine? Concerned, Blart opens the door to find... the BATHTUB FILLED, candles STILL LIT, her ROBE lying on the floor. BUT NO MAYA! He grabs the phone in the bathroom. BLARTGET ME SECURITY! EXT. ENCORE BEACH CLUB POOL BAR - AFTERNOON3131As several youngpeople hang out, wefindMayaand Lane each enjoy a SODA. LANEIt’s so cool you got into UCLA. You must be stoked. 35. David Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIALDavid Kaminow SPE CONFIDENTIAL MAYANot really. I haven’t been able to tell my dad. Page 30/88
Hey community! I’m here today to give a rundown of everything Rooster Teeth related that has happened in the past week. This is something I had been considering starting for some time now, and with the influx of content in the past week from the 17th anniversary and the at home streams on RTTV, this seemed like a great time to start. I know that previously we had the RT Recap and multiple community-member ran revivals of it, but despite the fact that these other projects have ended I think we could still use something like this to help keep track of everything that’s going on. Please leave me feedback about how I’ve set this up, I want this to be as helpful as I can possibly make it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This post lists everything Rooster Teeth has released and announced from March 28, 2020 to April 3, 2020. Excluding the news section, the organization of this post follows the order of the links on the sidebar on the Rooster Teeth website. First exclusive content is surrounded in asterisks ( *EXAMPLE*) while content that is currently exclusive but will be available publicly later is followed by an asterisk and the date in which it will be free (EXAMPLE*Free April 11th.) This does not include content that will lose exclusivity on the day this post is made (April 4th) as I personally found including this information to be over complicating the post. Similarly, to simplify the post I have only included links to the RT website even in scenarios where the content is available on another platform. NEWS:
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