Hey there. Here we go with the last installment (as of this year) of the story of Spain in Eurovision. But don't worry, there are more countries and there will be more years.
The usual glossary for people who are not up to speed on what Eurovision is:

• Eurovision: The Gay Olympics An international music contest in which most countries in Europe and some not in Europe take part.
• EBU: European Broadcasting Union, an international body made by many national broadcasters that organizes Eurovision and sets its rules.
• TVE - Radiotelevisión Española, the Spanish national broadcasters that represents Spain at Eurovision.
• Juries: Panels of alleged music experts who vote, both in Eurovision and in national finals.
• Televote: Vote by the public, usually done by phone/SMS and in some cases by internet, both in Eurovision and in national finals.
• National final: A televised show in which a national broadcaster selects their representative, usually with vote by the public.
• Internal selection: When a national broadcaster doesn't hold a national final, an instead appoints an artist to represent them.

So, by the end of my last post the Spanish fandom was in shambles after the rather suspect choice of Manel Navarro by choosing juries that were openly partial to him led to trending hashtags asking people to resign, actual resignations, a last place in Eurovision, physical altercations, viral meme videos mocking the artist and not one, but two congressional investigations. As in, led by the actual Spanish Congress.
After that, TVE was in kind of a lose-lose position. The credibility of national finals was very low, but at the same time if they tried to make an internal selection, there would be doubts that they were doing it based on artistic merit instead of commercial interests.
So, TVE decided to go for a third option: they brought back Operación Triunfo.
Operación Triunfo, OT from now on, was one of the earliest singing reality TV shows and one of the most influential programs in Spanish TV. It led to a big craze when the winner of the first season was chosen to represent Spain in 2002 and a huge disappointment that still colors the perception of Eurovision by the Spanish public nowadays. After several seasons with diminishing success, the last full season aired in 2009 and another one was cut short in 2011 after only five weeks.
In late 2017, however, TVE decided they might try their luck at it again, and a new season premiered in October 2017.
2018: Show, don't tell
Now, while it was announced that it would be used to choose the Eurovision contestant, OT was a TV show in its own right, with its own prizes and goals and (most importantly) its own fandom. It managed to draw a following comparable to the first mythical seasons, but now with social media to amplify everything. And if you're visiting this sub, you probably know what that means.
Two of the early frontrunners were Alfred García and Amaia Romero, respectively 19 and 18 years old, who quickly found out they had a lot of chemistry and, being isolated, available, young and horny, began a relationship that was very well received by the public. One of the hight poinst of the entire season whas in the third gala when they performed City of Stars and were disgustingly adorable and awkward doing it and people ate. It. Up.
The season went on and on and more contestants were culled and some moment along the way it was announced that one week before the season finale, the top five contestants would take part in a special gala to select the representative to Eurovision. Meanwhile, Alfred and Amaia (Nicknamed "Almaia" by their shippers) continued being impossibly cute together, performing really well and gathering a large following, and when the moment came they were amongst the finalists.
That's not to say they were the only ones with fans: Every single contestant had a large following and there were heated rivalries between the fandoms, with two big prizes at the end: Going to Eurovision and winning the season. And while Alfred and Amaia were amongst the frontrunners, it wasn't really a guarantee that they would win either.
Each of the five contestants was given a song to perform individually:

• Alfred got Que Nos Sigan Las Luces, a pop rock, quite dynamic song.
• Amaia got Al Cantar, an sweet, delightfully old fashioned ballad.

Now lets meet their competition:

• Ana Guerra with El Remedio, a tropical-influenced piece that let her showcase her sexy side.
• Aitana, probably THE other frontrunner of the season, with Arde, a dramatic ballad about losing the past.
• And finally Miriam with Lejos De Tu Piel, a strong-woman-going-my-own-way ballad.

Now, there was a problem here: In all reality shows and SPECIALLY the ones that are shot in real time and get feedback from the public, the producers are very interested in crafting narratives to make the show succeed. This is an inevitability of reality TV and nothing can be one to avoid it.
And in this particular case, one of the biggest narratives was Alfred and Amaia. Their relationship was part of they show and if they could capitalize on it, they would. And more in general, if they went to Eurovision as a couple, this would also increase ratings for Eurovision. So it would be great if they had a way to make them perform together.
On the other hand, if only they two got a duet there would be an instant firestorm of favoritism accusations and they would be very deserved, so they decided that the only solution was to give everyone duets.
Alfred and Amaia got Tu Canción, a love song that was very much trying to capture the magic of City of Stars and pretty much composed to rile up their shippers.
Aitana and Ana Guerra got Lo Malo, an urban-trap song. If you compare with their individual songs you see this wasn't that much a good fit for them. Ana had a knack for folk songs and Aitana's specialty were songs where she could showcase emotion.
And that leaves Miriam alone, so they brought back the last eliminated contestant, Agoney. Now, Agoney was probably the only contestant with a narrative that could rival Almaia. Openly gay, the protagonist of the first gay kiss in the history of OT, and had mentioned multiple times having the dream to go to Eurovision. Considering that a large share of Eurovision fans are precisely gay dudes, he (just like Almaia) brought something to the table that no one else could bring.
So he wasn't given a song of his own. He was only brought here to perform with Miriam and they were given the song Magia. I love it, but it wasn't a good fit for either of them.
(There was also Camina, a group performance of all five of them of a song originally composed by and for all the contestants at the beginning of the show. This was a bad idea and we have all collectivelly agreed that it never happened. Please forget that you read this paragraph)
And then Spain found that they had unexpectedly struck gold.
You see: Lo Malo was not a good fit for Aitana and Ana. They didn't like it. Their teachers had to confront them for saying on camera that they didn't like it.. But the public LOVED IT. Two weeks after its release it had been played over four million times in music platforms and was #1 in nearly all of them and even reached the top 10 in most viral songs worldwide.
(Here are their faces when they found out)
The weeks between the release of the songs and the national final saw A LOT of heated debate. In one hand you had the fans of each artist that wanted their fave in Eurovision and didn't care about the song or results, divided in factions around their respective faves. In the other hand, you had the Eurovision fans who wanted the best song in Eurovision and didn't care about all the backstories, shipping and faves.
And then the fandoms began strategizing. In the national final there would be a preliminar round in which the three most voted songs would pass to the final round, so any singer with more than one song in the final round would have their vote split and their chances lessened, and the fandoms knew it. Also, they would have to do two separate performances, while a singer that had only one song in the last round could focus exclusively on that performance.
For fans of Alfred and Amaia this was an easy choice: There was a large overlap between them and most of them were also shippers, so they all decided to drop support for their individual songs and go for the duet. (And indeed, their individual songs got 2 of the 3 bottom spots in the first round along with the group performance).
Anyone else had it more difficult: Fans of Miriam didn't know whether to support her individual song that was a good fit for her, or to join forces with fans of Agoney with a song that didn't suit either of them. And fans of Ana and Aitana were stuck between a rock and a hard place, with individual songs that were great for the artists, and a bop that had very high chances to go to Eurovision but that the artists hated.
At the end, strategy prevailed: the three songs in the final round were the duet of Alfred and Amaia, Lo Malo, and Aitana's individual song Arde, and after the second round of voting Alfred and Amaia won.
Most Eurovision fans were pretty skeptical. Alfred and Amaia had had months to create a chemistry for the Spanish public, but in Eurovision they would get three minutes to do the same with Europe and they were not sure it would work. Even the ones that liked them knew it wouldn't be the same. On the other hand, there was a lot of disappointment about losing Lo Malo, which was more instantly catchy and in general was perceived to have a better shot at Eurovision.
One week later, the OT finale took place and Amaia won, with Aitana taking second place. Alfred was fifth overall. Then they took on a promotional tour for OT with all the other contestants (because TV doesn't wait) while they prepared their Eurovision performance.
Interlude: Alfred goes into politics.
I don't know if politics counts as a hobby, but here it goes anyway. You see: Alfred is from Catalonia, a region of Spain with a strong separatist movement. Catalan independence is a very touchy subject in Spanish politcs and has a lot of detractors in the rest of Spain.
In late April, less than a month before Eurovision happened, a social media post showed him gifting Amaia a book titled "España de Mierda" (Translates as "Spain, Country of Shit"), a satyrical book penned by a Catalan separatist songwriter. Fans picked up on this and raised a media storm, newspapers ran exposés of anything Alfred had done in his life related to Catalan inependentism, the book sold out, he was forced to apologize and remove some of his social media posts, and there was even a petition to remove him as the Spanish representative (nevermind that so late in the game, only a major force event like disease or death would justify changing the singer).
Amaia then trolled all the media saying that the book was definitely something she would be taking with her to Eurovision as a good luck charm.
At the end nothing came out of this, but it certainly didn't help his image.
So what happened?
During the weeks before Eurovision there were rumors that Alfred and Amaia would break up, that the stress of tours and promotional events and the competition would make them break up, that... you know, the usual gossip. But they were still going solid when they went to Eurovision in May, and then proved the skeptics right by giving a lackluster performance and placing 23rd of 26 countries in the final..
There were (again) calls for the Spanish higher-ups to quit their positions, articles calling them shitty singers, renewed condemnations of Alfred's association with independentism... you know, the usual.
Alfred and Amaia broke up half a year later and Amaia disavowed her song saying that it didn't represent her and she hadn't been able to be herself in all that time..
As for where are they now, all the contestants in the final still have rather solid careers (including Agoney), with Aitana eventually coming out on top as the only one reaching the peak of the singles and album charts in her solo career and having more followers than Alfred and Amaia combined.
The true winner of the season, however, is someone we haven't even mentioned yet. Mimí, the first eliminated contestant (or third, there were a couple dudes that didn't make it past the first gala... it's complicated) in mid 2018 rebranded herself as Lola Índigo and dropped Yo Ya No Quiero Ná which became one of the biggest hits of the year in Spain and went triple platinum. She won the Newcomer of the Year award by Los 40 in Spain and the Best Spanish Act in the MTV Awards, and basically established herself as one of the leading artists in the Spanish music scene.
2019: Let's lower the stakes!
Despite the lower placing, for TVE using OT was a successful strategy: They got high viewership, lots of media focus in Eurovision and a lot less controversy than other years, so they decided that it may be good to give it another try the next year, and in late 2018 they announced that there would be another season of OT and it would be used to pick the 2019 Eurovision representative.
This season had lower ratings that the previous one (it was usually the #2 or #3 most viewed show, while Almaia's season topped the ratings in all the second half of its run). It probably also had a lot of drama between the fans of each artist, but to be honest I didn't know about it because I didn't follow it. Sorry, I'm not an OT fan.The only drama I got word of was when the contestants were unhappy that they couldn't go to bed early so they mounted a strike and then got a big admonishment by their teachers, while the public called them entitled and bratty.
For Eurovision, an online submission phase left TVE with over a thousand songs, from which seventeen songs were given to contestants to record, and then three songs qualified by popular vote and seven more were selected by a jury to participate in the national final
But this time there was something different: Nearly none of the contestants wanted to go.
You see, Eurovision 2019 would take place in Tel Aviv, Israel. And for some geopolitical reasons Israel is a very divisive and controversial country. And we are going to leave it at that. So, most of the contestants were not so keen to go there and have it associated with the start of their careers.
In addition, TVE decided that the gala to select the representative for Eurovision would take place one month after the finale, when all the results were out and there was nothing left to do, making Eurovision a consolation price that most of them didn't even want. So basically, they wanted to lower the stakes as much as they could.
While they couldn't reject going to Eurovision because they had signed up for it, and they couldn't openly ask their fans not to vote for them, a lot of the contestants were hinting in social media that they weren't really enthusiastic about that, and of course the fans noticed it.
There was A LOT of division in the fandom. OT fans saw it as mostly an aftershow for OT which, in their minds, was what truly mattered, and for them there was no point in making artists go to Eurovision, which was a dumb circus anyway. Eurovision fans, on the other hand, thought that rejecting that commitment was a show of unprofessionalism and that the contestants were rejecting an even bigger opportunity for exposure than OT would ever be and that it was a really stupid and ungrateful thing to do.
The couple months before the national final went by with all this debate. It didn't help that María, who got one of the favorite songs to go to Eurovision, was probably one of the most unenthusiastic about the whole thing.
At the finale things were... weird. Here's the season winner, Famous (and yes, that's his name), who could barely pretend that he wanted to be there, and frontrunner María giving us an overdose of just being there because she had to and not naving the energy the song required.
(Some fans proposed taking this song, giving it to Lola Índigo and sending her to Eurovision, but of course, it didn't happen)
So at the end it wouldn't be a surprised that this went to one of the contestants who actually wanted to do it: the season sixth placer Miki Núñez. He was one of two contestants with two songs in the national final: La Venda, a catchy song about breaking free from your preconceptions and Nadie Se Salva, an even catchier song about the inevitability of death sung in duet with Natalia Lacunza (who was the only other contestant with two songs in the final, and they were the only ones with a non-solo song)
While Nadie Se Salva was very well received, they had very different vibes in it, almost clashing instead of adding to each other, and it only took third place in the gala. María with Muérdeme was second, and Miki won with La Venda.
The season ran in general much more smoothly than other years. Miki was hard-working, took the contest seriously, had a lot of natural charm and looked amazing with his clothes off. What's not to love here?
There was still some residual drama from last year when Amaia refused to appear at any act to past the torch to Miki, which was seen as rather unprofessional. Alfred was there, though, and you could see that he wasn't happy with his ex's attitude.
TVE for once took things seriously. They brought as their staging director Fokas Evangelinos, a Greek expert that has done some of the most iconic eurovision stagings of the past decade and a half, including the 2005 winner, the 2008 winner and runner up, the 2013 runner up and the 2016 third place and basically had never had any of his staged acts place outside the top 10.
Even if fans were rather skeptic about the final version of the song, that was a bit more tropical and less ska-influenced and felt less spontaneous and fresh, in general there was some cautious optimism about the entry. For once, at least things were getting done on time and with the needed work behind. Unlike cases like Barei, it was guaranteed that Fokas would make sure that the staging would get to the host country. Unlike cases like Manel, there wasn't really a big controversy surrounding the artist. And the song was getting a reasonably good reception by critics, fans and betting portals.
Well, the results didn't follow. Miki placed only one position higher than Almaia, getting 22nd place and becoming the first act staged by Fokas that didn't reach the top 10.
In hindsight, most of the problem was the way the staging was conceived: Miki's biggest asset were his charm and personality, but he was given an act so choreographed that he didn't have an opportunity to show it and there were so many things happening onstage that they got in the way of each other.
Edit: Thanks to CherryTheBerry123 for reminding me of one of the best moments here: all the other contestants raising from their seats to do a conga line while Miki performed.
So basically, Spain overcorrected their lack of work of the past years, precisely the year they shouldn't have to. And also he was closing the show when most of the audience was already a bit jaded and after one of the most memorable performances of the night, so he had an uphill battle.
So... there was disappointment at the results, but in general there was a feeling that Spain may be heading on the right direction. For the first time ever there had been the work behind the entry, even if the approach hadn't been the right one. But still, it's not like people were happy.
As of where are they now, the contestants had about a year to start their careers before the pandemic began, which put them at some of a disadvantage. Famous and had a song that did rather well on the internet but failed to reach the charts, Natalia had a top five single, and in general Miki has had the best career overall, proving that yes, maybe Eurovision was indeed the bigger prize of OT.
2020: Let's take a safe bet.
There was another season of OT in late 2020, but the ratings and results were very much subpar and TVE didn't feel that much enthusiasm for it. Instead, for the first time since 2015, they went for an internal selection and picked a singer named Blas Cantó.
The reactions was something like... indifferent optimism.
See, Blas had been a member of Auryn, probably the most successful Spanisy boy band ever, and they had been the runner ups to represent Spain in Eurovision in 2011, and then he went solo in 2016 and released a number 1 album, won the 2017 edition of Your Face Sounds Familiar, and overall he is a very experienced singer and a talented vocalist. On the other hand, he was seen as rather uninspiring. He doesn't have the biggest personality, and while he has fans, he wasn't seen as someone who could really entice Europe.
But on the other hand, he was one of the highest profile representatives and if he was willing to take the risk of Eurovision it could be expected that he would put in the work and knowledge to make things right. So he was a safe bet, but maybe too safe.
His song, Universo, caused basically the same reactions. It was good, it showcased his voice, but it was too safe.
We will never know how things would go, though. After coronavirus began spreading in Europe, in March the contest was cancelled for the first time in six and a half decades. As you can imagine, none of us were happy, but we understood why it happened.
There was still a chance for extra drama, though. As part of the quarantine TVE hosted an online Eurovision party in which Blas didn't perform (allegedly, because he was suffering anxiety due to quarantine), and fans went wild on him so badly that he had to close his twitter for a while.
Anyway, he was announced as the Spanish representative for 2021 with a song still to be announced. They're actually planning a national final with two songs from which the public will vote their favorite.
Epilogue: Miki goes into politics
What, did you think we were done?
NO.
In the last days of December of 2020 Miki was again the focus of some political controversy when he criticized Vox, a Spanish far-right party, and their stance in multiculturalism, LGBT rights and social issues in general, and said that he didn't want anyone that supported Vox to also support him.
Some politicians from Vox responded criticizing Miki and his placement in Eurovision, to which others responded that Miki got more points in Eurovision that Vox got seats in the Spanish parliament (which was true). Vox countered that there were more points to get in Eurovision that parliamentary seats (also true) and for a while there were elected representatives arguing in official government accounts, on paid time, about the intricacies of the Eurovision voting system.
Which seems like a perfect way to close the year, if you ask me. It's not like they had bigger issues to be working on...
Anyway, this is all about Spain in Eurovision... for now. But don't worry, there are many other countries, and although I've followed their drama much less closely than Spain there is still a lot to write about.
Have a nice day and stay safe everyone!

Welcome back to my rambling, aphasic story about my transition!! Here’s the previous part (which also links to the previous, previous parts). So where were we? It’s May something or rather. There was Something about me being bi and how I’d discovered that boys and girls are both hot. And there was this whole thing about me trying to deal with that and how I even got to that point. Well not to skip ahead too much, but I am so very bi. Or pan or whatever. I like bi as my label, mostly because I LOVE the bi flag. Bi pride!! Anyway, I think boys are cute. And girls are cute. And enbies are cute. And just… everyone. Everyone is cute. Especially the person reading this: you’re adorable and amazing. I just honestly don’t care at all about the gender of the person I like, only that I like them, and they are a consenting adult person. But I was still figuring all that out back then; just dipping one terrified toe in so to speak. Also, I have to get back into a sort of bad headspace to write this. In May I was really falling deeper into depression and not pushing away from it. I was very confused by the way I felt about my sexuality “shifting” and was still trying to figure out what that all meant. I try to make it all seem fun, but for serious it was rough for me and a lot of the things I did and thought were influenced by how depressed I was. Sorry if that’s a bit of a downer. Just hold out with me till about August and things get better, I promise.
So, hopping back in, I was rather recently separated and in a position to be dating again (at least physically, mentally is a WHOLE ‘nother thing). And I was at least tangentially aware that I was probably, maybe, attracted to men as well as women. That being said, I really wanted to be alone forever and wallow in misery. But my wife actually encouraged me to make profiles on Tinder and Bumble. I was heavily of the opinion that I was manish, undatable and unlikable. It had taken me AGES to find and have all of my previous relationships, so I figured that trend would continue. It took me a bit to feel comfortable with it all, but eventually I gave in and we made some profiles together. I put in that I was looking for women, of course, and (on a lark) men too. I was met with… mixed success... Okay, not so mixed, lol. I got SO many matches!! I was so very not prepared for it… Lots and lots of guys and a handful of girls.
So I’m going to take a quick moment here to talk about some of the guys that contacted me. I’m going to call them chasers because that feels like the most appropriate name to me. Yeah, diving right into that controversial shit today. Cool. For reference, I don’t mean this to be political or controversial, but I know there’s some differing opinions and thoughts out there about this topic. So let me make it clear that these are my opinions. I have never claimed to be either right, or a good person. Maybe I’m a shite person (I make that exact argument several times in fact), and my opinions are garbage. But They’re still my garbage opinions and my shite personality, so I’ll just have to deal with the fact that that’s who I am. /shrug. Anyway; chasers. Fuck chasers. Those people never even saw me as human, and it really messed with me at first. No… it still messes with me. Their desire was for me as essentially an inanimate object. They just wanted to fuck me like I was some sex doll, and then throw me away. I was a disposable, subhuman thing to them, good only for fulfilling their imagined pornographic fantasies and desires. And some, I assume, were good people.
I got contacted by so many guys that wanted me to top them. Btw, that, in and of itself, is not a terrible thing mind you. Not a thing I like or will ever do, but by no means bad. That’s exclusively down to preference and comfort. It’s just that these guys did not actually give any fucks about me as a person, despite how it seemed at first, they just wanted me for that one part of me. like I was a porn video they could get off to once then discard. Literally all they cared about was the fact that I had boobs and a girldick, and that they wanted that girldick used on them. In their asses, presumably. A thing about those guys; a lot of them seem really sweet at first. They seemed so interested in me and so genuine! They wanted to know how things were going, and they were SO complimentary. It was really the first time anyone had acted head over heels for me, so I was a bit entranced. But inevitably, we’d start texting about more… explicit things (because they led me there). And eventually, they’d ask me about my OEM equipment. Did I have my **** and would I use it on them? Was I ****? Would I *** on their ****? Could I bend them over and **** them in their ***? Or let them **** my ****?? Needless to say, I was creeped out. I was wildly unprepared for this at first… It takes some work to figure out their tack. To figure out what they’re into and where their interest lies. Once you see it though, the pattern is clear as day; There’s a preamble of quick conversation where they ask you surface level questions, but never anything too intense or deep… nothing designed to really know you as a person, just what they think is the minimum small talk they can engage in before shifting to whether I’ve had “THE SURGERY” yet. Then all they care about is sex and they only want me if I’ll use my girldick on them. (Okay, I’ll stop posting memes. Sorry. Kinda.) But If you push back, tell them you need time, that you don’t do one night stands, don’t top, or that you want to get to know them more before talking about that stuff, they ghost you. Because to these creeps I was NOT a person, and any amount of continued effort was too much.
For however disgusted I was by the way some of these guys treated me, I did figure out that I was very, very into men. Provided, of course, they were willing to engage with me under MY conditions, and not some weird porn fantasy. Ugh, again, fuck chasers. But in and amongst the garbage chasers, I did actually find a few decent guys and gals. I will very briefly and in much less detail than is necessary or right, talk about Tyler (not his real name). Ty was a decent fellow and seemed interested in me as a person. Mostly at least. We had a few good conversations on tinder and then decided to meet up for a cup of coffee. Gods, I was sooooo nervous!! Like crawling out my skin!! This was my first date with a man… and my first date as a girl. Omfg I was like all over the place!!! He turned out to be a sweetheart and a gentleman, honestly. He bought me a cup of coffee and we went walking for a while. After a few hours he asked me if I wanted to go hang out at his place for a bit and “play video games”… Yeah, that’s gotta be code, right? So we went over to his place and… he made me watch him play Fallout 76 for like an hour and a half. No lie. I’d have never thought that anyone would want to subject a date to that… but here I was, watching this reasonably sweet and pretty cute guy play one of the worst videogames ever. For HOURS. I don’t have enough faces or enough palms to palm my face enough times to properly express to you all how bad and stupid it was. Now eventually he kissed me and we did… stuff and things that I thoroughly enjoyed. Or I guess I did stuff and things to him that we both thoroughly enjoyed. I guess I’m bi and a whore. Good to know.
I don’t have a good segue here… I can try though I guess. Uhhh… So speaking of Tyler, and how I dated him for like 2 weeks then unceremoniously dumped him, it was June! See? Awful. I don’t really want to talk about my dating life too much, but I also briefly dated a girl I’ll call Abby. Abby dumped me after like 2 weeks much like I dumped Tyler, and for similar reasons, so I guess karma evens out (sort of like how my Karma count on reddit evens out from all the downvotes I get arguing with TERFs in news or thisubisnotabouttransissues.) I guess I should be all introspective and serious again now. As a recap, it was June, less than 2 months after my wife had ended our 10 year-long marriage, and I had blown through 2 relationships already. Clearly, I was not ready for this kind of thing. I am about to be scathing in my review of myself: I was relying on other people to be my source of happiness. Tyler was too into the idea of me to be actually into me and so I didn’t feel validated enough, and I was too clingy with Abby and demanded far more of her emotional resources and attention than was fair. At that moment I needed someone who could shower me in genuine attention so that I could focus all of my internal insecurities onto an outside source and use that as my primary fount of happiness. Which, in case it’s not super obvious, is just a really terrible thing to do to someone.
So faced with this situation where I desperately wanted external validation, but clearly could not handle the responsibility of that, I made the only decision I could: be alone. Oh, and cut my bangs. Btw, that’s my real hair. I was wearing a wig in public at that point still, but this was my real hair I cut. Anyway, I turned off my dating apps ending my brief experiment. I needed to figure out who the hell I was. Ugh, I need to wax poetic again. Is that getting tiring??? I bet it is. Well, bear with me a few more times while I pretend myself to be a Greek philosopher. I had to figure out who I was without relating that self-perception to other people. Who am I in a vacuum? If I am alone and have no one to bounce off of, what is the… me that exists there? Cause if my problem is that I seek too much external validation, then the solution is that I need to find internal validation, and then project that outwardly as confidence and leverage that into making better relationships; both romantic and platonic. So I tried to do what I had done before and kind of look back at the most recent save file for my base identity and work from there. Except I’d corrupted my save files by modding in the gender switch, and now I couldn’t use any of that data. Crud.
I’m not gonna lie, I felt lost. Like REALLY lost. I was this essentially new person who I barely knew and I had just lost a huge portion of my identity with the separation. I had been referring to my marriage and wife as “Anchors”, because I realized just how much of myself I’d rooted in her and our relationship. That and being a mother were pretty much all I had at that point in my life, so when I lost her and the relationship (and the 2 more that followed) I was kind of screwed, existentially speaking. My problem was that I was essentially floating free. No anchors anywhere in sight. I’d need to make a new one… Or several.
I think that this is a good time to bring up my friends, though honestly they’re really more like sisters. I’m going to use their real names because I love them and they deserve all the recognition that a minor reddit post will bring them (plus I specifically asked all of them and they all consented): Julie (and her wife Luna), Saoirse (pr. Se’er- Shuh), Olivia(Liv), Alexandria(Lexi), and Aeris. Anyway, through a series of ridiculous coincidences I met all of them and we formed a group together. All being trans and in somewhat different stages of transition, we’ve been able to help each other and talk through anything that any one of us is dealing with. They are a friend group, therapy group, meme exchange, venting channel, political discussion group, and other stuff. I’ve leaned on them a lot. When I said earlier that I talked to my chosen family, it’s these girls I’m talking about. They are amazing and I love them all. I’m bringing them up here because I think that it’s easier to do this now so that I can reference them all later. I don’t have anything else specific to say at the moment. Just that my girls exist, and I love them xoxo.
So… Anchors. I needed to figure out what in my life made me, me. I decided that I would take this in two steps. Step 1: figure out who I am alone (I’d need at least a few months to do this). And step 2: figure out who I am in relation to other people (my girls, mentioned above, helped out with this as well as future dating partners). I started with just focusing on step 1 by itself, but have moved on to doing both more or less concurrently. I want to be able to pass down some answers from on high about how I figured out my existentiality and reached nirvana, but I’m just not that cool. I think that I’ve gotten closer to figuring myself out irrespective of my relationship to other people, and I am learning a LOT about my “self” as it relates to others right now. About my interdependencies and self actualization, and blah blah blah. This is all just a sort of self-discovery, right? Btw, doing this in month or 2 is a laugh. This is gonna take me years, I think. Maybe when I’m done I can go be a famous you-tuber passing along my proto-philosophical wisdom to the masses ala our Dark Mistress Contrapoints. But for now, I’ll settle for a middling reddit post.
Anyway, let’s move on. I don’t have any answers about my existential crises for now, but just know that I was kind of floating blindly and trying to figure myself out. June is also the anniversary of my coming out. June 22 specifically. I’d left my ex the letter on my computer exactly one year prior on that day. She’d later given me this really cute print out of the position of the planets in our solar system that day. My first day being honest with myself and her. I’d framed it and hung in the hallway. I took it down when we separated because of what it represented to me and how it had felt like this amazing thing before and now felt… tainted I guess. I still have it down. I’m not sure if I’ll ever appreciate it the way I used to, but I will absolutely acknowledge just how sweet that picture is. I did not feel like celebrating my coming out day this year… Maybe I’ll feel like it next year. I felt the same way a month later on my 1 year hormone anniversary on July 28, 2020. I just didn’t want to celebrate it at the time. I hope that my 2 year anniversaries are significantly better.
My wife ended up moving out in mid-June or so too. She went to go live with her mom and we started to work out a way to split up our time with the kids. She was planning on doing one of those tech boot-camps to give her some new workplace skills and move into a better career (a thing that she has since done and enjoyed a lot). But the gist here is that I was now alone at home for extended periods of time for the first time since before I’d met my wife about 12 years prior. I was ALWAYS with her or kids or something. I had an hour or two here or there, maybe a day or weekend, but not like this. Not LIVING alone. It was crushing in its emptiness… What I really needed to be able to get more human contact in. What I needed was to be able to go out and have fun. See my friends. Get a little drunk and give out my number at a bar. Buuuuutt… COVID. I couldn’t really even leave the house. Ugh, what a year 2020 was… In lieu of being able to go out though, I did the very next best thing, which I still do to this day, and talked regularly with my girlfriends.
I think maybe one of the best ways to make sure that you can stay grounded and not get lost in that despair is a good friend group. And in times like this, that can be just so important to have that contact and companionship. Going through all of that turmoil and discontent alone probably would have pushed me to a different result… Having my girls to talk to and bounce off of was a really great thing. There were a few times when I would talk to them late into the night about whatever was ailing us! It was cathartic and helpful in a way that few things are. There was one night I remember distinctly that Julie, Luna and I all stayed up till like 1 in the morning drinking wine and champagne together over discord till we were all drunk and rolling around on the floor laughing together (me alone in my empty house and them in their place in California). They are some of my best friends and I have no idea what I would do with out them!!! We would all of us meet up at least once a week too, and have a zoom call. Just talk for hours and discuss the problems of the world, our individual problems, HRT, emotions, good stuff, bad stuff, stupid stuff, whatever. It was, and is, a blast and something I look forward to every week. Get yourself some girls like this. Trust me.
But as you may be able to tell, I have this whole sadness that’s still sort of worming it’s way into my life here. I was still not on my anti-depressants at this point, that wouldn’t happen till August, and I was struggling to cope. My friends and my kids were keeping me around and engaged, but I was not doing well. Everything felt so suffocating. And I was avoiding my therapist too. I’d had one session with her in like early May and was now verging on 2 months of not talking to her. Not a great thing to do when you feel this bad btw. And then it was Father’s day... Do I celebrate Father’s Day? I’d had people tell me happy Mother’s Day, and that felt appropriate, though perhaps not… deserved? I was super confused about what I should do here… We decided to kind of half celebrate it… We went up into wilderness and did a hiking trail. It was nice!! I just felt so… weird about it all. There’s this super interesting shift between celebrating Father’s Day last year to feeling like that’s inappropriate this year. Ugh, it feels so jumbled up… Mother’s Day, Father’s day… blah. There should just be 2 nongendered parent’s days. All I felt was like I was in between and didn’t deserve either day anyway, so that made it even worse.
There’s I think a lot to address in that last paragraph… See, there was this period where I felt like I didn’t deserve to be called a mother, or even a woman. Like it was something I had to earn. It was this feeling like I had to be worthy of being a woman and that I was somehow falling short. That’s crap btw. I “deserved” it, whatever that even means, whether I thought so at the time or not. I am a mother through and through and I do deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day. I am a woman in every sense and that is not something that has requirements other than just being one. Like, being a woman is a state of being, one which I am in, and not something that is a question of desert. People simply are their gender. TERFs and other pieces of shit contribute to the notion that there is something unworthy about trans women. That they are women* and not just women. I‘ve even rather recently argued with a TERF who basically told me this exact thing. And fuck her. Don’t internalize any of that bullshit if you can help it. Whoever you are that’s reading this, you are valid, and amazing and uniquely you!! Never lose sight of that!!
Anyway, back to me being an upside-down depressed girl. I was sinking into this boredom and malaise and I wanted out of it. I needed to do something. I needed to get out and be reckless and try something interesting and new. I needed to be alone… kind of. I just needed something to change and get me away from all of the depression and melancholy that I was wallowing in. So after going around on a few different things, I decided that I was going to go to California! To Napa, specifically, and to go get drunk for a few days with my girlfriends. That felt like JUST the thing I needed. Girlfriends and wine. God I’m such a basic white girl. I did some research to try and get the emptiest airport I could so that I could avoid as much COVID as possible, we got some hotel rooms, scheduled a driver in wine country and we were off!!
Primarily I met up with Julie and her wife Luna. We had rooms in the same hotel and spent a few days together in Napa. We went to nice restaurants and sat outside all done up in our best makeup and prettiest dresses. Everywhere we went we were greeted with “Hello ladies,” which I thoroughly appreciated (proper gendering euphoria ftw, yo). It was a BLAST!! We went to 4 different wineries, all with something different and unique to offer us. We spent way too much money on bottles of wine. We absolutely spent the entire day, and then some, pretty drunk. A waiter lightly hit on me in a rooftop bar. It was amazing!! I feel like I could write a whole thing on just my few days in Napa. Maybe I will for my poorly reviewed self-published book that I’ll release in 2025.
The following day, Julie and I drove back to her and Luna’s place (which was also in CA) while Luna took their car back. We tried to visit Saoirse, who was on the way, but unfortunately she was having a super rough week and wasn’t really up to it. We dropped off some wine and well wishes, waving at her through the window, and continued on. At Julie and Luna’s we played video games and ate wonderful homemade food and generally relaxed. It was really nice. I was SOOOOO not ready to go home at the end of my 3 days. I’m not sure what else to say here honestly… I probably could, but like, do I keep just going on about it? Nah, seems good to stop here. And it was definitely what I needed. A distraction, and comfort. A way to let go of all the crap I was dealing with, even for a few days. Forgetting about all the tribulations and the hectic slowness of my life. Back to the grind I guess! I came back to my home and just sort of sunk back into things. I want to tell more interesting stories about things that happened, but when you’re depressed there just aren’t any. I was just sort of… there. I was able to get out of bed every day and I didn’t die due to self-negligence. That’s really all I can say here. I was playing a lot of FFXIV too. That was fun at least.
My one year HRT anniversary came and went with little fan-fare. In my journal I apologized to myself for how trash my entry that day was. It was lamenting the fact that I had nothing good or inspirational to say. And that, plus the fact that I was slipping back into a heavy malaise, is what drove me to FINALLY call my therapist again and set up a new appointment. I talked to her and I cried through the entire session. I told her that I felt inhuman. That I wasn’t in control of my emotions and I was sad all the time. That I needed to be severely distracted or drunk to not feel lonely and awful. That I wished I was dead. That I needed help. She gave me a recommendation for anti-depressants, and I set an appointment with my GP that same day. I really should have done that a LOT sooner. I’m going to repeat the lines that I put in the previous section discussing this. They bear repeating:
For anyone who needs to hear this; YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! And it is NOT your “fault” that you are trans. There is no fault and no blame to be had anywhere. Your existence is not “wrong” and you are not “bad” for existing. You are being true to yourself and working on being the best you that you can be. And that’s exactly what we should all do. Work to be the best self that we can be!! Find a place where who you are and what you’re doing makes you happy. That’s what’s important. But please, please, please, if you’re having a rough go of things, don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, family, therapists or dumb bitches on reddit giving you unwanted lectures about your mental health. (here’s the number and website for the Trans Lifeline, in case anyone needs this right now: (877) 565-8860 / https://translifeline.org) And legit, please feel free to DM me if you want.
August was a big month. I stopped wearing my wig because I finally felt like my hair was long and femme enough to present femme reliably. I’d get extensions in September, but we can talk about that later. August is also when I started taking Prozac. And I do want to talk a bit about anti-depressants and the stigmatization that I think many of us still buy into. One of my girls was feeling pretty down for a while and she told me that she didn’t want to start on anti-depressants because the HRT should be enough. Let me say this very, very clearly – Being trans and being depressed are not the same thing - You can be trans and not depressed and you be depressed and not trans. Or, and this is important, you can be both. They are NOT mutually exclusive. When I first started on HRT I felt AMAZING. It really did lift my depression! And for a bit, for months really, I felt like I didn’t need to take anything else because the HRT should be enough. I bought into that crap too. But the more depressed I got, the more I realized that my HRT had nothing to do with depression. Depression is usually to do with a lack of sufficient serotonin (more or less). It has nothing to do with primary sex hormones (I mean… it does… but lets not get TOO into endocrinology and neurology here). And please, don’t get me wrong: HRT is a life saver!! It made me feel so much better and more human!! But it did not cure or treat my depression. That was independent of my transness and required a different treatment. Prozac, to be specific.
It took a few weeks on my anti-depressants before I started to feel better. I’d been crying hard every single day and was totally losing myself. At first, it sort of turned me off… I wasn’t sad, but I certainly wasn’t happy. I was a little… nothing. I didn’t like that, but I kept on. For like 2 weeks I couldn’t cry. I almost stopped because I wasn’t willing to give up my emotions, but they did return. And here’s what I felt when I started to feel what I’d describe as normal again. I found that I had a bit of a volume knob on my emotions now. Not like complete control, but it was like I could tune it between the nearest 2 notches or so. Like if I was feeling 9 sad, I could let it creep up to an 11 if I wanted or hold it back to a 7 or so. I still felt it all!! I just had some control over it. That really let me understand just how badly I was letting my emotions run my life. I had lost control and it took regaining some of it to see just how much. E is a ride!! It’s sort of like riding on the air drifts around those huge dragons in Breath of the Wild. I was just drifting along, running out of stamina, losing control and about to careen into the spikes on it’s back. Riding the dragon is such a trip. It takes practice and determination, and sometimes, help. Don’t be afraid to ask for that help.
Alright, I think I’ve imposed on all y’alls time enough for today! Know that things start getting better from here on out. This is more or less the end of this depressive phase I was going through. Not to say that things are rose petals and rainbow poptarts after this, but the Prozac saved my life and really turned things around for me. By September I was trying to date again. I have a one hell of a story about a wonderful woman I met whom I’ll call River, both as a Dr. Who reference and because it’s a bit of a pun on her real name. I met a few guys too. I made new friends and did more interesting things. Relationships ended. Elections happened. I got an RTX 3080. I think on the next entry I should probably get pretty well caught up to real time so that I can take another 9 month long break from writing this. I hope all you wonderful folks have the best weekend or week or day or whatever. Be happy and go forth into the world with confidence and vigor!! Be yourselves and be your best self. Bye-bye lovelies!!

Following the stressful Let It Be sessions (that would not be mixed into the album we know as Let It Be for another 2 years) Lennon called it quits.
McCartney’s instant response was “well if you’re not announcing it to the press it didn’t really happen did it?” And begged Lennon to let the group record one final effort to wrap up the legacy the group had created.
Thus Abbey Road.
Possibly the only Beatle album to showcase Harrison’s songwriting more than Lennon or McCartney’s.
Here you can hear Lennon breaking the album down track by track. Notice his distaste for the latter halves medley. In his opinion Abbey Road was half a record and half a mish mash of tying up loose ends.
It really is largely indicative of his feelings towards the group as a whole as of 1969.
1969 also brought about the first solo endeavours from Lennon, the first in the form of “Give Peace A Chance” which was recorded on the 1st of June that same year at one of John and Yoko’s famous Bed-Ins.This period of time, post Abbey Road and pre Lennon’s first solo album, would see John and Yoko tour the world on a political mission to bring about world peace through a series of non violent demonstrations supplemented with musical projects to further back up their points.
The bed ins, as they sound, consisted of John and Yoko sitting in a bed at the Queen Elizabeth hotel in Montreal Quebec waiting for anyone from the press that wanted to question them. They allowed any persons to ask any questions and entertained many famous names during their residency in Canada such as Timothy Leary, Allen Ginsburg and Petula Clarke who all contributed to the “Give Peace A Chance” recording. September of that year saw Lennon kicking his heroin dependency that he had picked up over the past year due to the increasing skepticism surrounding him and Yoko. This led him to write the song “Cold Turkey” which detailed his withdrawal symptoms and also showcased some of Yoko’s musical ability through the means of intense vibratory screaming to paint a picture of what the pair were going through.
Pitched to McCartney as a Beatles single, which was quickly rejected as one can imagine, the release of Cold Turkey was after its first performance at the infamous 1969 Toronto Rock and Roll revival show that marked the first performance of “The Plastic Ono Band”.
Not a Beatle in sight, Lennon scrambled together a band at short notice and made his way to Canada. Snorting a decent amount of heroin backstage, Eric Clapton was reportedly slapping Lennon back into consciousness minutes before they hit the stage, despite this the debut performance of “The Plastic Ono Band” would actually be a great success.
Playing a mix of contemporary self authored pieces alongside Rock and Roll classics like “Dizzy Ms Lizzie” and “Blue Suede Shoes” the set ended with a boundary pushing performance of “Don’t Worry Kyoko” which, penned by Ono, still feels dangerous today in 2020.
That year wrapped up with Lennon taking the stage in London alongside an all star line up, Clapton, Keith Moon, Billy Preston, George Harrison) for a festive time performance of “Cold Turkey” and “Don’t Worry Kyoko” which honestly still rock harder today than most so called “rock bands”. (Seriously, check it out).
This performance was followed up by the well known single “Instant Karma” which in no sly manner throws accusations at his former band mate such as “who in the world do you think you are, a superstar? Well right you are!” And “What in the world are you thinking of, laughing in the face of love?”.
It would be a fitting end to year of great change for Mr Winston Boogie.
This stark change in creative direction can be seen as a want to get to the truth.
The outpouring of emotions on Cold Turkey would foreshadow the entire “Heavy” rock genre to come and its subsequent off-branches such as metal and punk. The idea of putting ones pain into music was nothing new, Lennon was simply taking what had been done decades earlier by slaves to make the precursor to Rock and Roll, The Blues and taking it one step further.
One can start to see the difference between the late Beatles artistic direction and what John had in mind at the time. The following summer John and Yoko went through what was known as Primal Scream therapy with a man called Arthur Janov. The basic premises of this therapy is that you scream until you cry, forcing the soul to deal with any repressed trauma you may be carrying. For a man who lost his mother at a young age and showed classic displays of a repressed emotions whenever his sexuality was questioned, John obviously had some backed up emotion that had been bubbling over for quite some time now and the resulting musical project shows the fruit of this process.
The self titled debut release from the Plastic Ono Band released in the summer of 1971 and showcases all of the above across short but sweet 11 song track listing.
Bipolar by design POB displays the tenderness of John’s want for a mother figure in his life on songs like “Mother” and “Love" whilst “God” takes philosophical swipes at any fallacy Lennon has ever come up against including ones of his own construction whilst rockers like “I Found Out” and “Well Well Well” thump along with bluesy riffs and a pulsating beats that can only be described as “hard rock” years before the genre’s mainstream acceptance.
If there is one word to describe this album it would be “honest” and after years of playing hide and seek with allegorical compositions honestly would be exactly what Lennon was aiming for with this project.
As you can imagine by this point Mr McCartney was not best pleased with the events of the previous year. The public has been fairly unbeknownst to the dramas that had been occurring in the Beatles camp but they would be read into the situation with the announcement of Paul’s own self titled solo effort in April of 1970.)
Paul announced the album at a press conference and despite his wishes for John not to publicise the groups split, announced it exclusively at the conference to promote his first solo effort.
A move the other members of the group were not best pleased with.
This miscommunication was possibly instigated by the arrival of a gentleman called Allen Klein who can be seen as the successor to Magic Alex in some respects.
Whilst Madras was mearly influencing Lennon’s outlook, Klein was brought in to relinquish Bill McCartney’s control over the Beatles’s finances.
From the moment Klein entered Apple HQ, Paul boycotted anything to do with the company including speaking to his former band mates.
Hence the resulting misunderstanding amongst the group.
At this point in time it is actually a contribution from Ringo Starr’s 1973 self titled album that gives us the best impression of the camp at the time of “Early 1970”.
Lennon was brutal regarding McCartney’s first solo effort and slandered his decision to announce the groups split citing it as “another move from the worlds best PR man”. These events led to the two former collaborators to take part in what could be seen as the first public “beef” between two musical artists, again foreshadowing an entire branch of the music industry as of 2020.
This bad blood would continue to boil throughout 1971 and on to 1972 where we would see the release of two albums that are inherently connected due to this ongoing “beef”.
Imagine) by John Lennon and Ram) by Paul McCartney.
Ram would feature the bitter albeit still rather conservative “Too Many People” that shouted accusatory tones of “Too Many People preaching practices, don’t let them tell you what you want to be!” directly in the direction of John and Yoko’s camp, to little effect I might add. Backed by the voice of his new wife, Linda McCartney, the piece imitates the wailing vocals that could be found on many Ono Band tracks and paid tongue in cheek homage to the simple guitar licks Lennon was famous for. The icing on the cake would be on the reverse cover of the LP, where McCartney chose the fitting image of two Beatles copulating, perfectly summarising the situation from Paul’s point of view.
Imagine is best known now for its title track which went on to become probably Lennon’s best known solo effort whilst Ram would fairly moderately in McCartneys lengthy discography. The relevant song on Imagine regarding this beef would be the scathing blues inspired “How Do You Sleep?”.)
Footage from inside the studio during the recording of this song shows Lennon in a notably enthusiastic mood whilst showing George Harrison the basic structure of the track on a piano and the sneering grin that emerges when he sing the infamous “Those freaks were right when they said you were dead” is a great indication of the atmosphere in the studio that day.
They cherry on the cake would be the footage of Lennon aggressively singing the chorus of the song with the extra addition of “How Do You Sleep You Cunt!” to an unused take.
Legend goes that Ringo even turned up and left in disgust saying “That’s enough now John”.
This spat would be as far as the beef went with John and Paul finally meeting face to face after nearly two years of only telephone or letter based conversations. The agreed not to let their fall out spill into the press any longer and even cited the meeting to be of “good spirits”.
By the time Imagine was released, John was done with British establishment.
The Plastic Ono Band had seen harsh press since their inception, Yoko had been the victim of a literal racial witch-hunt and the interviews with the British press that Lennon was allowing himself to be a part of were becoming more and more explosive by the day.
He wanted creative freedom and therefore set sail for the land of the free.
America.
Despite his intentions, it is this trip to the land of possibilities that would ultimately lead to his demise.
John and Yoko arrived in New York City in the autumn of 1971. Their first action of business was to record and release the well known Yule time song “Happy Xmas (War Is Over) which triggered a retaliation from the Nixon administration that they detailed as “a strategic counter measure” against Lennon’s “attacks”. This would set the precedent for Lennon’s entire stay in the USA and would begin his infamous fight for a green card and US citizenship. Lennon’s songwriting in this era would take on a inherently political stance covering the liberal protests against the Vietnamese war and the decriminalisation of marijuana.
This led to the recording and release of “Sometime In New York City” which featured a cover adorned with the image of Chairman Mao and Richard Nixon dancing fully naked and the lead single “Women Is The Nigger Of The World”.
It’s fair to say that this release can be seen as a watershed moment in Lennon’s solo career and would mark a distinct change in his attitude following the fallout SINYC would cause.
Continuing the British exile of Lennon the NME made their review of the album a open letter to Lennon and Yoko calling him an “ageing pathetic revolutionary” and begging him to “Stimulate. Not alienate” like he “used to” in their estimations. On its home turf the album fared better with Lennon even performing the lead single on the “Dick Cavett Show” after giving a iconic interview laying out his plans whilst in the Americas. He also performed his only ever solo concert at Madison Square Garden that would see him take on classics from throughout his career backed by New York’s own Elephant Memory band.
This performance would be the last time Lennon would perform at a arranged concert of his own name and mark the last time he’d perform with Yoko on a stage.
MSG will end up being a significant venue for Lennon and the events of 73-74 will show you why.
Following the re-election of Richard Nixon, Lennon was somewhat disillusioned with the entire endeavour he had come to the US to pursue. Lennon can even be quoted as saying backstage after his MSG performance that” this was the last time you’d see John and Yoko perform together” and this quote would be indicative of what was to come. 1973 saw the relinquishing of Allan Klein as financial manager for Apple Corps which in turn improved relationships between the former Beatles substantially. Lennon admits in an interview that Paul was right and shortly after a incident at the activist Jerry Rubin’s house where Lennon slept with another women, he and Yoko split up.
This period of time is known to Beatles fans as John’s “Lost Weekend” and can be seen in retrospect as the last gasp of Lennon’s macho bravado attempting to solidify its place as the forefront of John’s psyche and public image.
It begins with Lennon recording his “Mind Games” album with a brand new iteration of the Plastic Ono Band called the Plastic UFOno Band” continuing John’s ongoing intrest in the topic.
This re-titling of the group can be seen as a nod to the on-going saucer wave that began in the 1950’s and still continues today, a phenomenon that Lennon would experience first hand in subsequent years.
This period of time would see Lennon descending back into the pits of debauchery and excess that would make the young Beatles exploits in Hamburg seem tame. He had a new young mistress, set up for him by none other than Yoko herself, May Pang and spent a large amount of time with other musicians such as Harry Neilson, Keith Moon, David Bowie and Elton John collaborating and partying. This would lead to scandals in the press and Lennon gaining a new reputation as a hard rocking bachelor with nothing to loose.
The infamous bootleg “A Toot and a Snore” captures one faithful night on March 28th 1974 when McCartney and Lennon are actually in a recording studio in Los Angels with none other than Stevie Wonder and Jesse Ed Davis jamming whilst partaking in a bit of recreational activity.
Namely Cocaine.
This recording is a good indication of where Lennon was at during this turbulent time in his career. He is scattered brained, brash and frankly a bit annoying in the just under half an hour recording, snapping at the engineers to find a headphone mix this author is sure never existed and ignoring Paul’s attempts to actually play a rendition of “Stand By Me”, who knows Lennon’s 1975 album “Rock n Roll” could have been a collaborative effort had it not been for his distractions.
Another amusing anecdote from this period of time is Lennon listening to Joni Mitchell’s 1974 release “Court and Spark” prior to its release and telling Mitchell that the record was a product of her “over education”.
This is a great signal that John’s working class bravado was leading his emotional path at this time, something that would shortly come to an abrupt end.
Following the expulsion of Allan Klein, their time spent in LA and Yoko’s departure from John’s life it’s easy to see how Paul McCartney must have felt during this period of time.
The origins of their original drama had all been wrapped up by this point and all that was really stopping him and John from collaborating was John himself.
The occasion in LA must have left a bad taste in his mouth because it triggered him to contact Yoko with the news that John was in a bad way.
He asked what what it would take for her to take him back, which in retrospective of the late 60’s is quite ironic after all the suspicions that Paul was trying to get rid of Yoko, but now he found himself singly handedly bringing them back together.
She said John would have to submit to her ideals and morals and build their relationship back up from the bottom to the top.
The bad behaviour would have to end.
And so the story goes, during the recording of Lennon’s 74 album “Walls and Bridges”, he and Elton John would record the well know single “Whatever Gets You Through The Night” and during this session Elton wagered a bet with Lennon that if the track went to number 1, Lennon would have to perform the song live with him.
Thinking that the song hitting number 1 was a ludicrous concept (another indication of John’s low self esteem at this point in time) he agreed without giving it much thought.
The song released in late September of that year and by the first week of October it was number 1 in the US making Elton’s upcoming Thanksgiving concert the perfect venue for John to cough up his end of the bargain.
The 28th of November 1974 came about and Madison Square Garden was sold out.
Lennon was backstage throwing up.
Paranoid about his live vocals the nerves were getting to him.
Unbeknownst to him Yoko was in the crowd.
Subsequently he said if he had know she was there he would have never been able to go on stage.
Fortunately this was not the case and Elton and Lennon appeased the audience with a stomping rendition of WGYTTN, Lucy in The Sky with Diamonds and a version of I Saw Her Standing There.
The crowd went ballistic and the night was a great success.
Upon leaving the stage John indeed, saw her standing there and according to the man himself Sean Ono Lennon was conceived that very evening.
It is at this juncture we see a stark change in Lennon’s mentality beginning with the way he portrayed himself in public.
He withdrew completely.
1975 - late 1979 is a particularly difficult period of Lennon’s life to chronically as there are very little sources of information regarding this period of time.
From the innocent bystanders point of view he was simply looking after his new born after not managing to do so with Julian and taking a well deserved real from the hum drum beat of the music industry.
To the well read fanatic, Lennon was biding his time planning a comeback to right all the wrongs of his past, reunite with his former Beatle brothers and possibly change the world all over again.
What we can be sure of is that in 1975 Lennon finally received his long awaited green card which finally enabled him to travel to and from the US at will.
This combined with his newly announced retirement allowed Lennon to take stocks of who he had become since being introduced to super stardom.
It allowed him to ask himself important questions like “Why do I need to be wanted?” & “Now I don’t believe is fallacies, what is John Lennon?”, the answers to which would dictate the final 5 years of his life.
Namely he would address the moral and personal issues that had cropped up whilst he had been busy being a Beatle.
The last stand of his boyhood.
This issue include but were not limited to:
His relationship with Julian and Cynthia.
His overall respect for women.
His short temper and sharp tongue.
His relationship with his fellow Beatles.
His juxtaposed relationship with the music industry.
Dispelling his macho bravado image.
His fear of Homosexuality.
& as always
Why are we here?
Taking full advantage of his newly established freedom, the Lennon family now completed by baby Sean, began 1976 by heading to Yoko’s homeland, Tokyo, for a well deserved holiday.
At some point in 1973 John had started subletting an apartment at the world famous Dakota hotel in NYC. Well known as the filming location of Roman Polanski’s horror classic “Rosemary’s Baby” the iconic hotel housed Lennon all the way up until his death and by that time his residency had taken up most of an entire floor.
Elton John would sing in jest;
“Imagine six apartments
It isn’t hard to do.
One is full of fur coats
The other’s full of shoes.”
This location would be the HQ for John’s self imposed hiatus and the manner in which they lived in the Dakota speaks volumes about their intentions for their late 30’s and 40’s.
Namely Yoko began collecting Ancient Egyptian to store in a room of the Dakota known as “The White Room”.
There was also a corresponding “Black Room”.
The purpose of these rooms was contemplation and meditation in line with the colour of the room.
White fro positive sessions.
Black for more morally ambiguous sessions of contemplation.
These rooms were adorned with the artefacts Ono and Lennon would begin collecting i the latter half of the 1970’s.
A ritual space.
A constructed alter.
It’s clear that ceremonial magic played a big part in Lennon’s life by the middle of the 70’s.
Paul and Linda at this point in time we’re making an abundance of attempts to reconcile with John and Yoko. This would include the infamous Saturday Night Live event where John and Paul would nearly scoot on down to the live filmed event and perform and the following event where John turned Paul away citing “Its not 1963 anymore Paul” which obviously knocked Paul’s enthusiasm for a collaboration.
It must have been quite a confusing time for Paul as John in his immediate actions was being warmer than he had been to Paul in years but still keeping him at arms length regarding a musical project together.
This bipolar esque behaviour can be attributed to the many Tarot card readers on the Lennon payroll circa 1975. The first account of magickal activity affecting the career of Lennon can be seen in 1975 when the other 3 Beatles met on NYC no less to sign a contract dissolving their former partnership allowing them to move freely as musicians. An event that it had made perfect sense for John to attended, despite this he was no where to be seen.
The reason being Yoko’s psychic had checked the cards and decided it was a bad decision to venture out that day leaving the rest of the group bewildered.
Now here is where we really reach the meat of this discussion regarding Mr Lennon.
A strong case can be made that the career of John Lennon was massively steered and inspired by works of esoteric knowledge and methods of divination.
Any Beatles fan worth their salt will have heard John talk of his distaste for writing a song for the sake of it and his preference to write when the spirit has taken over him, a possession of you will so due to this being the method the man made his name in we can say that methods of divination and a relationship with “the other” were massive motivations for John when it came to his creative output and as we all know the man had a fairly successful career so is it fair to say that belief doesn’t really come into the conversation, it’s about how you apply ancient principles to your day to day life, as Lennon was doing all through the 70’s?

Why does it matter?

The legitimacy of the majority of information from this period of John’s life falls to your understanding of a man called John Green and his book “Dakota Days”, published in 1984.
The book claims to be an account from 75-79 written by one of Yoko’s many Tarot card readers, in this case Mr John Green, referred to in the book as Charles Swann as to not confuse Lennon and himself at Lennon’s apparent request.
This book is considered to be controversial for a myriad of reasons:

• It shines light on a period of John’s life no one else seems to be able to cover.
• It makes some fairy outrageous claims regarding John’s intentions for the coming years, the state of his and Yoko’s marriage and his general mental state during the late 70’s.
• It was released so close to his death and therefore flew under the radar at the time of release as a cash grab.
• There is minimal information regarding its author apart from one quite informative Amazon review where the reviewer claims to have known Mr Green himself and corroborate the book’s legitimacy.

It is the opinion of this writer that Dakota Days is a faithful, if not highly edited, version of the events of John Lennon’s life from 1975 - 1979 and when paired with Phillip Normans book “The Life of Lennon” provides the reader with a pretty comprehensive overview of Lennon’s unknown years.
With that in mind let us press onwards. If we recall back to the middle of the 60’s we remember Lennon’s want to buy a Greek island for the band to live on in peace and harmony and wants of this nature still resided within John circa 77. The couple started to search for “Scotland 20 minutes from New York” and began travelling the globe in search of a hidden paradise for the family to reside in.
This included trips to Tokyo, Kathmandu, The Bahamas and South America.
Despite having his green card, there is still fair evidence to suggest that the US government were still monitoring Lennon’s goings on.
It’s probably worth mentioning at this point that in 74 Lennon and his appointed mistress May Pang witnessed a UFO from the balcony of their 434 East 52nd Street apartment.
Followers of the UFO phenomenon will see this event less as a supernatural one and more of an intelligence operation.
The work of Whitley Striber and Budd Hopkins allow us to view the abduction experience as an imposed breach of ones spiritual facilities and Hopkins has done extensive research into the markets left on abductees after the event has long passed leaving subjects with “antennas” so to speak.
As an individual that dabbled with his own meta programming as it was the idea that a UFO may have manifested in front of Lennon to postulate his esoteric beliefs and “push him over the edge” is one worth pondering at least.
So the intentions of the Lennon family circa 1977 would be to:

• Clean up John’s previous misgivings regarding his macho bravado, his abandonment issues and his relationship with other human beings.
• Give Sean the upbringing Julian never had and mend his relationship with Julian.
• Fix his damaged reputation with his family and fans across seas in Britain.
• Let the world know that (again) Love is all you need but this time from a man who walked the walk and talked the talk.

The methods by which they intended to achieve this were of an esoteric nature.
Let’s take a look at the birth of Sean for example.
The subsequent body of work that followed his birth was titled “Double Fantasy” and there exits reams of information where John speaks candidly about their intentions to have a child.
From the late 60’s John referred to Yoko as an extension of himself and by the time the late 70’s had come around this had developed into the couple desiring to view the same vision as one another, completely.
To share the same world view, to bring the exact same vision to fruition, they figured two minds are better than one?
This sort of thinking can be considered sexual alchemy not unlike the narrative of a Aleister Crowley book entitled “Moonchild” in which a established writer comes across a ritual that makes a “Scarlet Women” appear at his door.
The two then collaborated in a sexual manner whilst both desiring and meditation upon the same concept for the child that they were to produce.
Therefore bringing about what is know in the Occult as a Moonchild.
A product of direct intention.
This is the meaning of “Double Fantasy”.
The songs that appear on Double Fantasy were all written in the June of 1980 on a trip John took to Bermuda and during the interviews that followed the release of DF Lennon claimed his guitar lay behind his bed, untouched for the most part.
Back in 1980 this all lined up chronologically. The public hadn’t seen John for 5 years, all of a sudden he had a burst of creative and 5 months later boom, new album.
But there are several recordings that throw this narrative to the wayside, just more evidence of Lennon’s crafty ability to perform psychological operations upon his audience.
Not unlike the “Get Back” sessions, The Dakota years are seen by most as a period of creative drought for Lennon. But also not unlike the Get Back sessions there are piles of unreleased material to unsubstantiate Lennon’s claims. The two most famous cases of this would be Real Love and Free as a Bird.
Both recorded as basic acoustic demos in 1977 these songs both go against the trend and show that least two compost were made by Lennon during this time. But then more come to the surface.
Now and Then, India India, Serve Yourself, One of the Boys, Life Begins At 40, The Great Wok, The Rishi-Kesh Song... the list goes on (as this bootleg https://www.discogs.com/John-Lennon-The-Househusband-Years-The-Complete-Home-Recordings-1975-1980/release/7156946 will show you) so why the radio silence regarding these tracks. Surely this casts some doubt upon the bread baking house husband image Lennon has tried so hard to push during the press run for Double Fantasy.
And here’s the crux of the matter folks.
Lennon was aware of his influence upon culture. Interviews linked in this very write up show that self awareness had been the entire philosophical basis for Lennon’s creative output.
So let me try this one on you for size.
The wave of John Lennon’s career that started with the release of Double Fantasy would have been a complete rebirth and turn around in ethos and PR for not only Lennon but his audience too.
Audiences spend so long looking at Lennon’s own psyche and traumas that they manage to end up ignoring their own issues whilst also ignoring the fact that we live in a culture inherently influence by Lennon.
There is some decent commentary from Lennon around 75 talking about his resentment for The Rolling Stones and the idea that they were ever in the same league as The Beatles.
He states that what the Stones do is theatre.
Glam.
A fallacy.
Yet they are still rolling today in 2020 as is, I imagine, John in his grave.
The issues one can see Lennon dealing with throughout his life are not unique to him.
They are quite severe on one hand but on the other people survive with much less.
This implies that the lessons the man learnt across his career can also be useful to us right now, as abandonment, sexism, domestic violence are all still in abundance in today’s society.
As we head everyday into an ever changing world of uncertainty one begs the question, had Lennon been able to continue his ideological turnaround would we have seen an impact on culture such as the Beatles once did in the 60’s?
The group split up due to each one of the songwriters coming into their own creatively. What was once filled by one another, was now fulfilled by their respective spouses. Yet still, this odd dynamic of John, Paul, Linda and Yoko still remains the crux of the emotional basis of this whole debacle.
If those 4 human begins could have worked out a way to be amicable with one another’s outlooks we may have seen a creative collaboration the likes of which have been seen.
Because that is what the entire Beatles message is all about no?
All You Need Is Love.
Love and sex are concepts that are intertwined but can be seepage from one another, most of the time this is how they are found unfortunately. The emotional ground shared by John and Paul runs (to this day) deeper than most participants of regular platonic relationships can really understand.
This whole drama can be seen as a sort of alchemical Rubix’s cube that was never quite completed.
Personally, I believe that when take to its furthest logical conclusion the liberal ideology trumps the conservative view every time.
I mean who could argue against world peace ect?
But what I will say is that whilst their hearts in the right place, most liberals (hippies as they were once called) fail to understand the nature of the systems in front of them.
That is to say that whilst philosophically the liberal ideology is sound in implementation it falls flat on its face, something Mr Lennon witnessed first hand on multiple occasions.
A strong knowledge of the systems that exist in our society allows one to then “play the game”, most never get to do this and remain in the “armchair philosopher” category, banished to their local drinking hole to sceptically criticise our governments without ever making any sort of tangible change.
Through going through the ranks of the entertainment industry of first Britain and the the US, Lennon was able to navigate the bureaucratic mine field that lies between any citizen and true freedom.
So to see his legacy steeped in his past wrong doings, of which he was well aware of, and about to attempt to rectify the situation is truly tragic.
I shall not speculate on what could have been, I shall only say that the 80’s, now a decade known for its excess, its war and its yuppie culture, and the 90’s (famous for its rise in emotional based music Grunge, Black Metal, Punk Rock leading to Emo) maybe would have been seen differently if John and Yoko had been able to pull off their final performance to the world.
———————————————————————-
If you have made it this far I applaud you and hope it has been worth your time. Below I will link all the sources I used to put this piece together and hope that this post provides you hours of research during this time of deep uncertainty.
Youtube Playlist of Videos Used
Chronological Beatles Playlist
Quick shoutout to YouTubers John Heaton and breathless345 for their comprehensive knowledge on this topic, could not have done it without them.
unme
🙌
ølund

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https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace,_Love_and_Understanding
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https://community.atlassian.com/t5/Off-topic-discussions/Miscellaneous-Monday-Quotes/td-p/1309015?tempId=eyJvaWRjX2NvbnNlbnRfbGFuZ3VhZ2VfdmVyc2lvbiI6IjIuMCIsIm9pZGNfY29uc2VudF9ncmFudGVkX2F0IjoxNjA1NjMxNjE4NTkwfQ%3D%3D#U1535666
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https://quotesarea.fandom.com/f/p/4400000000000016269
https://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rain_(artist)#Externa_l%C3%A4nkar#Externa_l%C3%A4nkar)
https://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/AFI%27s_100_Years...100_Movie_Quotes#Externa_l%C3%A4nkar
https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/313271/english-equivalent-polish-saying-dumb-people-are-not-sown-theyre-born/552062#552062
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https://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemliga_Markusevangeliet
https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/422324/does-capitalistic-enterprise-mean-capitalism-in-this-sentence/552064#552064
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https://ast.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Graduate
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Previous episodes: Flamengo, Vasco, Fluminense, Grêmio, Botafogo, Atlético Mineiro, Internacional, Corinthians, Santos
In this series I will present each of the 12 Brazilian teams that together compose the "Big 12". My point is to make them more knowledgeable to you, since each one of these teams have their share of the Brazil national team success and of Brazilian club football accomplishments as a whole. I'll try to be as smooth, efficient and non-boring as I can. If the feedback is positive, I'll keep bringing more to this series. So ok, let's do this!
Method: I'll present the teams in a chronological order, from the oldest foundation (Flamengo-1895) to the latest one (São Paulo-1930). The order will be: Flamengo, Vasco, Fluminense, Grêmio, Botafogo, Atlético Mineiro, Internacional, Corinthians, Santos, Palmeiras, Cruzeiro, São Paulo. How many of these have you heard of?
Extra clubs: Due to a high number of requests, I'll also present 3 teams who don't belong to the Big12, but are also considered big clubs in Brazil: Bahia, Athletico Paranaense and Coritiba. Welcome to the club!
Geographical reference: Before we start, I'd like to ask something very simple from you. I want you to keep in mind that these 12 teams are spread in 4 different States in Brazil. The club's State name is written below, next to the club's name. It has a direct link to Google Maps, so that you can check it out to make this experience more accurate.

Episode 10/12: Palmeiras (State: São Paulo), founded in 1914

State rivals: Corinthians, São Paulo, Santos

Stadium: Allianz Parque (New) / Parque Antarctica (Old)

Mascot: Pig

Major achievements: 1 Copa Rio (1951), 2 Copa Libertadores (1999, 2020), 10 Brazilian Leagues (1960, 1967, 1967, 1969, 1972, 1973, 1993, 1994, 2016, 2018), 3 Copa do Brasil (1998, 2012, 2015), 1 Copa Mercosul (1998)

State League titles: 23 (Against Corinthians' 30, Santos' 22, São Paulo's 21)

PLAY AND LISTEN TO PALMEIRAS ANTHEM WHILE READING - Click here
Palestra Italia and the first decades
Palmeiras was founded as Palestra Italia in 1914, by Italian immigrants in São Paulo. In the 1920s, they acquired the ground of the Antarctica company, which included the Parque Antarctica stadium. On this decade, Palestra won 3 State Leagues and finished 2nd on three other opportunities. At this time and until 1959, there wasn't a national league yet, due to Brazil's huge size and weak infrastructure, so the State Leagues were the main tournament, which Palestra would win 5 more times in the 1930s. They also won the 1st edition of the prestigious Rio-São Paulo Tournament, a regional league attended by big teams from São Paulo and Rio only.
1942: World War II and Palestra becomes Palmeiras
Brazil were neutral in the 2nd World War until 1942, when they declared war against the Axis (Italy, Germany, Japan). This forced every club name related to these countries to be reconsidered, so Palestra Italia became Palestra.
However, the Brazilian government demanded that Palestra was also removed from the club's name, despite it being a greek word. Palmeiras was then adopted, to keep the letter P and in honor of the Associação Atlética das Palmeiras, an extinct club that helped Palestra on their early days.
In the 1940s, they won 4 more State Leagues titles, but were still behind their rival Corinthians on the overall counting - they would only surpass Corinthians in State League titles for the first time in 1972, keeping the record until 1982, to never surpass them again.
1951: Copa Rio, Palmeiras' first club world title
The Copa Rio was the first attempt of a club world cup, preceding the creation of the Intercontinental Cup in 1960.

Group	Club	Qualification
A	Palmeiras	1950 State League champion
B	Vasco (Brazil)	1950 State League champion
A	Juventus (Italy)	1950 Serie A champion
B	Sporting (Portugal)	1950 Portuguese League champion
A	Red Star (Yugoslavia)	1950 Yugoslavia Cup champion
B	Austria Wien (Austria)	1950 Austrian League champion
A	Nice (France)	1951 French League champion
B	Nacional (Uruguay)	1950 Uruguayan League champion

Palmeiras placed 2nd inside their group, beating Nice 3-0, Red Star 2-1 and losing to Juventus 0-4. In the semis, they beat Vasco 2-1 and tied 0-0 in the return leg, before facing Juventus in the final.

Stage	Result	Attendance	Venue
Final	Palmeiras 1-0 Juventus	56.961	Maracanã
Final	Palmeiras 2-2 Juventus	100.093	Maracanã

In the final 2nd leg, Juventus opened the score at '18, but Palmeiras tied at '47. Juventus scored again at '63, but Palmeiras equalized it at '77. The match ended 2-2, and Palmeiras were crowned club world champions.
The 1960s: the first Academy of Football
After the Copa Rio title in 1951, Palmeiras won one more Rio-São Paulo Tournament in 1951 and one State League title in 1959, beating Pelé's Santos 2-1 on the last and decisive match.
In the 1960s, the Brazilian press gave Palmeiras the alias Academy of Football, due to the extreme class and technique of their teams. Players of the caliber of Ademir da Guia, Djalma Santos, Dudu, Julinho Botelho, Zequinha and Tupãzinho won Palmeiras several titles in the 1960s: 4 Brazilian Leagues (1960, 1967, 1967, 1969), 2 State Leagues (1963, 1966) and 1 Rio-São Paulo Tournament (1965). The 1960s Palmeiras are notably known for stopping Pelé's Santos from winning almost everything in the decade.

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Ademir da Guia	1962-77	902	153	14	-	1 (1974)
Dudu	1964-75	609	25	13	1	-
Julinho Botelho	1958-67	269	81	24	11	1 (1954)
Djalma Santos	1959-68	498	10	100	3	4 (1954, 1958, 1962, 1966)
Zequinha	1958-68	417	40	16	2	1 (1962)
Tupãzinho	1963-68	231	122	-	-	-

They also reached two Copa Libertadores finals: in 1961, Palmeiras lost to Peñarol (0-1, 1-1), and in 1968, to Estudiantes (1-2, 3-1, 0-2).
The 1970s: the second Academy of Football
The second wave of Palmeiras' Football Academy took place in the 1970s. Still led by Ademir da Guia and Dudu, the club was reinforced by Luís Pereira, Leivinha, César Maluco and Leão.

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Luís Pereira	1968-75	346	19	38	1	1 (1974)
Leivinha	1971-75	268	108	27	7	1 (1974)
César Maluco	1967-75	327	182	13	1	1 (1974)
Leão	1968-78	617	-	105	-	4 (1970, 1974, 1978, 1986)

Together at Palmeiras, these monsters won 2 Brazilian Leagues (1972, 1973) and 2 State Leagues (1972, 1974). In the 1974 World Cup, Palmeiras provided Brazil with 6 players (Leão, Luís Pereira, Leivinha, César Maluco, Ademir da Guia and Alfredo), finishing in the 4th place.
In the end, the Palmeiras Academy won the same number of Brasileirão titles as Pelé's Santos (6) and reached the same number of Copa Libertadores finals (2). However, they won 6 fewer State League titles (4x10).
Highlights to the 1973 Brazilian League title, with only 3 defeats in 40 matches. In the final stage, Palmeiras beat 1-0 the strong Cruzeiro of Nelinho, Piazza, Palhinha and Dirceu Lopes, away at the Mineirão stadium, with this goal from Edu Bala at '74. Then they beat 2-1 another strong team, the Internacional of Figueroa, Carpegiani, Valdomiro, Falcão, Claudiomiro and Escurinho. After Internacional opened the score, Palmeiras tied at '77 with Ronaldo and Luís Pereira scored the winning goal at '80. On the last match, a 0-0 tie against São Paulo was enough for Palmeiras to be declared Brazilian champions for the 6th time. Only 35 years later, in 2008, would a new team (São Paulo FC) reach the number of 6 Brazilian League titles.
In 1974, Palmeiras met their archrival Corinthians in the State League final. Corinthians were on a 20-year title drought (since 1954) and desperately needed a trophy. In front of 122.522 supporters at the Morumbi stadium, Palmeiras won the final 1-0, with this goal from Ronaldo, and left their rivals trophyless for one more season.
In 1976, Palmeiras won their last title before a drought that would last until 1993. They won the 1976 State League title against XV de Piracicaba, 1-0 at home. It would also be Ademir da Guia last title at the club, before he left in 1977.
1993-2000: the Parmalat Era
Between 1976 and 1993, Palmeiras didn't win a single title, finishing 2nd in one Brazilian League (1978) and in two State Leagues (1986, 1992).
In 1992, however, the Italian company Parmalat signed a huge deal with the club, bringing expensive and talented players. In 1993 already, they won 1 State League, 1 Rio-São Paulo Tournament and 1 Brazilian League. In 1994, they once again won the State and the Brazilian Leagues. Until the end of the decade, they would win one more State League (1996), one Copa do Brasil (1998), one Copa Mercosul (1998), one Rio-São Paulo Tournament (2000), one Copa dos Campeões (2000), and the most important title, the 1999 Copa Libertadores. Therefore, in 8 years (93-2000), Palmeiras won 2 continental titles, 4 national trophies, 3 state leagues and 2 interstate tournaments - totalizing 11 major titles.
The coach appointed to start this new era of the club was Luxemburgo, who had done good works for Bragantino, winning the Serie B in 1989 and the 1990 São Paulo State League. He stayed at the club from 1993 to 1994, and in 1996.
1993-94: back-to-back State and Brazilian League titles
The 16-year title drought ended in the 1993 State League final against their archrival Corinthians. On the 1st leg, a 0-1 defeat, with a historical teasing by Corinthians' forward Viola, who imitated a pig when celebrating his goal. On the return leg, Palmeiras smashed them with a 4-0 victory (6mn33 video), with goals from Evair (2x), Edilson and Zinho.
Two months later, they won the Rio-São Paulo Tournament, again against Corinthians (2-0 and 0-0). In the Brazilian League, Palmeiras dominated with 81% of points, and only 2 defeats in 22 matches. In the final against Vitória, two victories: 1-0 away with a goal from Edilson, and 2-0 at home, with goals from Evair and Edmundo. Palmeiras became Brazilian champions for the 7th time, the first club to achieve so - the second would be Santos in 2002, then Corinthians in 2017 and Flamengo in 2019.
Four Palmeiras' players were elected to the League Best XI: Antônio Carlos, Roberto Carlos, César Sampaio and Edmundo.
Of the 1993 team, three great players were there since 1991: César Sampaio, Amaral and Evair. Parmalat brought Antônio Carlos, Cléber, Roberto Carlos, Mazinho, Edílson, Zinho and Edmundo. All of them (except Amaral, Cléber and Evair) played at least 25 matches for the Brazil NT, with two winning the 1994 World Cup (Zinho, Mazinho), three reaching the 1998 World Cup final (Roberto Carlos, César Sampaio, Edmundo) and two winning the 2002 World Cup (Roberto Carlos, Edilson).

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Antônio Carlos	1993-95	58	5	37	3	-
Cléber	1993-99	372	21	13	-	-
Roberto Carlos	1993-95	162	20	126	12	3 (1998, 2002, 2006)
Amaral	1991-97	107	3	12	-	-
César Sampaio	1991-94, 99-00	304	25	47	6	1 (1998)
Mazinho	1992-94	127	2	35	-	1 (1994)
Edílson	1993-95	151	59	25	6	1 (2002)
Zinho	1992-94, 97-99, 01-02	460	95	57	7	1 (1994)
Edmundo	1993-95, 06-07	269	141	39	10	1 (1998)
Evair	1991-94, 99	245	126	11	5	-

In 1994, the team increased with the arrivals of Rincón, from América de Cali, Flávio Conceição, from Rio Branco and Rivaldo, from Mogi Mirim.
They began the season winning the 1994 State League, gathering 78% of the points, and losing only three times in 30 matches.
In the 1994 Brazilian League, Palmeiras led the 1st stage and then won 5 of the 6 knock-out matches. They beat Bahia twice in the QF (2-1, 2-1), and the strong Guarani of Luizão, Djalminha and Amoroso twice in the SF (3-1, 2-1).
In the big final against Corinthians, Rivaldo opened the score with this nice goal at '45. He scored again at '63, and Edmundo this nice 3-0 goal at '65. The match ended 3-1, and Palmeiras only needed a tie in the 2nd leg - which ended 1-1, with Rivaldo scoring the tie at '81.
Palmeiras were back-to-back Brazilian League champions, and had now 8 National League titles, a record only reached in 2004 by Santos.
Four Palmeiras' players were elected to the League's Best XI: Cléber, Roberto Carlos, Zinho and Rivaldo.

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Rincón (Colombia)	1994, 96-97	93	30	84	17	3 (1990, 1994, 1998)
Flávio Conceição	1994-96	103	5	45	4	-
Rivaldo	1994-96	97	78	74	37	2 (1998, 2002)

However, in the 1994 Copa Libertadores, Palmeiras were knocked out by São Paulo in the ro16 (0-0, 1-2), but they applied a sonorous 6-1 victory against Boca Juniors, with this great goal by Roberto Carlos, assisted by Evair.
The team got dismantled, and in 1995 they only finished 2nd in the State League, 5th in the Brazilian League, and got epically knocked out in the Copa Libertadores quarter-finals against Grêmio (0-5, 5-1).
The 1996 superteam: 102 goals/30 matches and State League champions
In 1996, the coach Luxemburgo returned to Palmeiras, after a year span at Flamengo.
From the 1993-94 Palmeiras squad, Velloso, Cléber, Amaral, Flavio Conceição and Rivaldo remained.
New stars arrived at the club: Cafu from Real Zaragoza, Júnior from Vitória, Müller from Kashiwa Reysol, and Luizão and Djalminha from Guarani.
Together, they gathered 92% of the points, winning 27 of the 30 State League matches, scoring 102 goals and conceding only 19. Since a 100%-rate title campaign in 1932, the closest a team got to this 92% rate record were 1961 and 1965 Pelé's Santos with 87%, 1945/1953 São Paulo, 1939/1951 Corinthians and 1933/1934/1942/1947 Palmeiras with 88%, and 1946 São Paulo with 90%.
In terms of goals scored, they rank #9 in the history of the tournament, and have the highest record since 1962.

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Cafu	1995-97	101	13	149	5	4 (1994, 1998, 2002, 2006)
Júnior	1996-00	337	20	22	1	1 (2002)
Müller	1995-96	69	38	59	12	3 (1986, 1990, 1994)
Luizão	1996-97	91	56	17	3	1 (2002)
Djalminha	1996-97	83	45	14	5	-

With the departures of Flávio Conceição, Rivaldo and Müller, Palmeiras had a certain quality drop. Nevertheless, they still finished 2nd to Cruzeiro in the Copa do Brasil (1-1, 1-2).
Luxemburgo left at the end of the season for a bigger salary at Santos. He won 149 of 232 matches (64% win rate), lost 36 matches (16%), and had an overall rate of 71%.
The 1997 season was a bit below due to the lack of titles, but Palmeiras finished 2nd on the league, and reached the semi-finals of the Copa do Brasil, of the State League and of the Rio-São Paulo Tournament. But it was the arrival of the coach Scolari, the Felipão, in mid-1997 that would ignite Palmeiras into higher flights.
1998-2000: the Felipão (Scolari) Era
In this period, Palmeiras won 2 continental titles (1998 Mercosul, 1999 Libertadores), 2 national cups (1998 Copa do Brasil, 2000 Copa dos Campeões) and 1 regional league (2000 Rio-São Paulo Tournament). They also finished 2nd in 1 club world cup (1999 Intercontinental Cup), 3 continental cups (1999 and 2000 Copa Mercosul, 2000 Libertadores) and 1 state league (1999 Paulista).
With the 1996-97 team dismantled, Scolari rebuilt the team by using more Marcos, Roque Júnior and Galeano, and bringing Arce, Junior Baiano, Oséas, Paulo Nunes, Euller and of course, the maestro number 10 Alex - the most capped Brazilian player (49) not to be called to a World Cup.

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Marcos	1992-2012	534	-	29	-	1 (2002)
Roque Júnior	1995-00	206	15	48	2	1 (2002)
Júnior Baiano	1998-99	72	16	25	2	1 (1998)
Arce (Paraguay)	1998-02	242	57	61	5	2 (1998, 2002)
Galeano	1989-02	477	27	-	-	-
Oséas	1997-99	172	65	2	-	-
Paulo Nunes	1998-99	138	73	2	-	-
Euller	1997-00	115	39	7	3	-
Alex	1997-00, 2002	200	60	49	12	-

The team lacked the offensive talent and quality of the previous generations, but had a more solid defense. Palmeiras supporters wanted the Copa Libertadores more than anything - their state rivals Santos and São Paulo had two already, as well as Grêmio, while Flamengo, Vasco and Cruzeiro had one each. Scolari had the experience of winning the Libertadores in 1995, with Grêmio, along with the Paraguayan right-back Arce and the forward Paulo Nunes that he brought to Palmeiras.
The first step was the 1998 Copa do Brasil, which would give one Libertadores spot. Palmeiras didn't have difficulties until the semi-finals against Santos: they tied 1-1 at home, and Santos opened the score in the return leg. With these two nice goals, Palmeiras overcame the score 2-1 and left with a 2-2 tie that put them on the final, against Cruzeiro. They lost the 1st leg 0-1 away, and opened the score at '12 with Paulo Nunes in the 2nd leg. At '89, Oséas scored the second and title goal after a free-kick, as Palmeiras became Copa do Brasil champions for the first time.
Later that year, Palmeiras destroyed their Copa Mercosul group: 2-1 Independiente (Argentina), 5-0 Nacional (Uruguay), 2-1 U. de Chile (Chile), 3-0 Independiente (Argentina), 3-1 Nacional (Uruguay), 1-0 U. de Chile (Chile). Highlights to this assist by left-back Júnior against Nacional from Uruguay.
With their reserves, they beat Boca Juniors 3-1 in Brazil, and tied 1-1 in Argentina, for the quarter-finals. Olimpia from Paraguay didn't offer problems in the semis: 2-0 and 1-0 to Palmeiras. In the final against Cruzeiro, Palmeiras lost 1-2 away in the 1st leg. At home in the 2nd leg, Cruzeiro opened the score at '3, but Palmeiras overcame with Cléber at '8, Oséas at '52 and Paulo Nunes at '85. On the 3rd match, this goal from Arce at '62, at home, gave Palmeiras their first continental-second tier title, the 1998 Copa Mercosul.
The 1999 Copa Libertadores title
After finishing 2nd twice in their golden era (1961, 1968), Palmeiras finally conquered South America, with 7W-2D-5L.
Palmeiras shared their group stage with archrival Corinthians and the Paraguayans Cerro Porteño and Olimpia. At that time, three teams would advance, and Palmeiras qualified in the 2nd place, behind Corinthians.
In the ro16, they met the current champions Vasco, of Juninho, Ramón, Donizete and Luizão. They only tied 1-1 at home, and saw Vasco open the score at the Maracanã. Palmeiras scored twice, before conceding the second goal. In the second half, Palmeiras scored twice again, and won the match 4-2.
The derby against Corinthians in the quarter-finals saw two same results: 2-0 and 0-2. Their rival could have scored once in the 1st leg though, at '78, if this crazy shot that hit the upper post and then the back of goalkeeper Marcos had gone a few centimeters into the other side. In the penalties, Palmeiras won 4-2, with Dinei missing the target and Marcos saving Vampeta's shot.
In the semis against River Plate, Palmeiras left Argentina with a 0-1 defeat. At home, in Brazil, Alex opened the score with this great goal, and two minutes later, Palmeiras scored the second with Roque Junior. In the 2nd half, Marcos kept the goal safe, and Alex closed the Argentine coffin with this fine touch.
In the big final against Deportivo Cali, they lost the first leg away 0-1 like in the semis. At home, Palmeiras opened the score only at '65, from this penalty kick, but Deportivo tied 5 minutes later, also from a penalty kick. Five minutes later, however, Palmeiras scored the second with Oséas, and the title would be decided in the penalties.
Palmeiras missed the first shot with Zinho, hitting the upper post, while Deportivo scored. Both teams scored the second and third shots. Palmeiras scored the fourth, and Deportivo hit the right post. Euller scored the fifth, and Zapata lost Deportivo's final penalty. Palmeiras conquered South America for the first time in their history.
This title qualified Palmeiras to the 1999 Intercontinental Cup in Japan, against European champions Manchester United.
Palmeiras played a far better match than the Red Devils, but this unfortunate mistake by goalkeeper Marcos let them open the score at '35. Palmeiras also had this wrongly disallowed goal at '50, and Oséas missed this absurd opportunity at '74.
In 2000, Palmeiras kept the good shape, and began the season winning the Rio-São Paulo Tournament, beating 4-0 the strong Vasco of Edmundo and Romario in the final.
Five months later, they won the Copa dos Campeões, after beating Cruzeiro (3-1, 1-1), Flamengo (1-2, 1-0) and Sport (2-1), therefore picking a spot in the 2001 Copa Libertadores.
But the peak of the season was the Libertadores, which they finished in the 2nd place, losing to Boca Juniors in the final (2-2, 0-0), in the penalties (2-4).
First, Saint Marcos (Palmeiras goalkeeper), saved two penalties in a clutch moment against Peñarol in the ro16.
In the semis, the biggest derby in South American history: Palmeiras met their archrival Corinthians, current back-to-back Brazilian League champions, of the stars Dida, Kléber, Vampeta, Ricardinho, Marcelinho Carioca, Edilson and Luizão, once again in the knock-outs, just like in 1999. The first leg was a crazy 4-3 match in Corinthians' favor and the second leg, another crazy 3-2 match in Palmeiras favor. In the penalties, nobody had missed their shot, until Corinthians biggest idol, Marcelinho Carioca, had his penalty saved by Saint Marcos, who put Palmeiras in the final. No other derby played in South America have been higher than Corinthians x Palmeiras encounters in the 1999 and 2000 Copa Libertadores knock-out stages.
Unfortunately, the final against Boca Juniors was a refereeing disgrace: Boca had one goal wrongly disallowed and Palmeiras had at least two penalties not awarded in the 2nd leg at home, which ended 0-0, leading to penalties. Palmeiras played better football, while Boca parked the bus.
2001-2013: end of Parmalat Era, and humble times
In this period, Palmeiras got relegated twice (2002, 2012), won 1 State League (2008) and 1 Copa do Brasil (2012).
The peak of this period was the controversial elimination by Riquelme's Boca in the 2001 Copa Libertadores semi-finals: on the 1st leg in Argentina (2-2), the referee invented this penalty to Boca, which Schelotto scored, and he didn't concede a clear penalty in Palmeiras' favor on Fernando, sending the player off for "simulation". Boca were a great team, but it is generally agreed in Brazil - even by rivals - that Palmeiras was better, and if not for the referees shameful displays in 2000 and 2001, they would very likely end up with 3 consecutive Libertadores titles (1999, 2000, 2001).
In 2002, Alex scored this masterpiece of a goal against Rogério Ceni's São Paulo.
In 2009, Palmeiras led the Brazilian League for 19 rounds, but ended up in the 5th place, not even qualifying to the Copa Libertadores.
2014-today
In 2014, centenary year of the club, their new stadium Allianz Parque was inaugurated.
In 2015, Palmeiras won their 3rd Copa do Brasil title on the penalties (4-3) against Santos, in a crazy final. The 1st leg in Santos ended 0-1, with their rival missing the opportunity of the century at '95. In the 2nd leg, Palmeiras scored their second goal (2-0) at '84, but Santos scored at '86, leading it to the penalties, won 4-3 by Palmeiras.
In 2016 and 2018, Palmeiras won their 9th and 10th Brazilian League titles, a national record. They were led by the league MVP Gabriel Jesus in 2016 and by the most recent club idol Dudu in 2016 and 2018. They also finished second in 2017, and reached the Copa Libertadores semi-finals in 2018, losing to Boca Juniors (0-2, 2-2).

Player	Period	Apps	Goals	Assists	Brazil NT caps	Goals	World Cup att.
Gabriel Jesus	2015-16	83	28	10	39	18	1 (2018)
Dudu	2015-20	305	70	75	3	1	-

As of 2020, the club won the State League (0-0, 1-1, p.k. 4-3) after 12 years, against their archrival Corinthians, coached by Luxemburgo and led by the young midfielder Patrick de Paula. Gabriel Menino and Gabriel Verón are the other young bets of the club for this season.
To this day, Palmeiras has the 4th largest fanbase in Brazil with 12 million supporters, and a stadium attendance average of 28.000, as of 2019.
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